Empty Nothingness

I did go to a psychiatrist he diagnosed me with majer depressive disorder and they have put me on Wellbutrin. I have been taking it for about 2.5 weels. They are starting me really slow because I seem to react very adversly to any and all medications. This depression all started after being perscribed Ambien Nov 2015 and I had very uncommon adverse side effects. Before the Ambien I have always been a very natural holistic type of person that medicates with proper diet and vitamins. I guess because I am so new to this whole thing.. nothing makes sense. Also just the way I feel makes zero sense. If you dont mind me asking what has happened with you?

You answered my question before I had a chance to ask it:  Ambien.  The Z drugs are not tame!  How regularly and long were you using Ambien and did you stop suddenly?  The z-drugs need to be tapered like the benzos and ADs.  I would say that what you're describing is withdrawal from Ambien.

The other things to look at are diet.  Apparently intolerance of milk products and gluten can cause depression, as well as disruption of gut flora - our gut flora influences our mental health!  I would advise taking a good probiotic, and maybe eliminating gluten and/or milk, one at a time, to see if that helps.  

I'd read an aricle recently about waking with anxiety in the night, panic attacks, feelings of not being able to breathe, and that this could in fact be caused by diaphragm spasms that cause the breathless feeling that leads to the anxiety rush...and gluten and milk can cause this!  I'm curious as to why you needed the Ambien to begin with.  Was the depression the adverse reaction or were there other symptoms?

Betsy!! Oh my goodness can I just tell you how grateful I am that you commented what you did thank you!

 Just so this makes sense and you understand where I have been and where I am now maybe it will make more sense. Long story very short 2 years ago I got really really sick.. I always had an upset stomach I was always nauseated and at the time I was a Police Officer. It got to the point where I was so sick that I thought I was going to have to quit my job. My anxiety was out of control and I was about to go on anti anxieties.. before I did that I went to a holistic doctor who told me to get off the gluten and see if that helped. Within two weeks I felt so much better. My anxiety was ten million times better that it had been. Although not all of the symtoms are completely gone I did start to feel so much better. I got married to the most amazing man and love of my life in September 2015, we both quit our dream jobs as Police Officers, started new jobs and we moved into a new apartment.  I went to a nurse in October 2015 about having an upset stomach and headaches still. The doctor asked me about my sleep and I told him I havent ever really slept well and that wasnt uncommon in the law enforcement world. He said that if we fixed the sleep that we would fix the other problems.. I believed him and he put me on temazepam and after 2 weeks on that medication my anxiety and depression (saddness and hopelessness) was so bad I quit taking it. I went back in and told him and he said oh okay thats an odd reaction lets put you on a different sleep med Ambien. I regret every day since taking this medication for I am a completely different person. The Ambien effd me up so badly. I was only on it for about 5-6 weeks and I woke up one day feeling NOTHING AT ALL. I didnt have any feelings. I was such a happy, fun, sweet, huge hearted person.. I am now just trying to survive everyday and trying to find where my emotions and feelings went because I feel nothing. The day I woke up feeling nothing at all is the day I started to reflect on my time taking Ambien.. the warning signs.. I didnt notice it while it was happening but I would get angry at things and stay angry.. which is not like me.. Things that normally would make me cry or make me happy I didnt react that way and I just thought I was stressed at the time. But after waking up feeling that way I know for a fact it was me slowly losing myself to this drug. I stopped cold turkey taking Ambien and I went through the most insane horriffic withdrawels.. I have never EVER experience anything like it. The shakes.. the crying spells.. the panic attacks.. the confusion.. I was taking the drug as perscribed.. the nurse told me to take it every night. When I went to the doctor after all of this awfulnes they said "well you have only been on it for 2 weeks.. I said uhm no I have been on this drug for 5-6 weeks" the doctor looked at me and was shocked I had been put on this for longer than 2 weeks. Then she said "well we cant prove it is Ambien unless you go back on the drug again" I couldnt even believe what I was hearing.

I am sorry I got so in to detail with you about this but I feel like its the only way to help get the entire picture. I have since gone in for an endoscopy, ultra sound and colonoscopy and they only thing they have found is that I do infact have issues with lactose as well.

I really dont think I needed the ambein and my husband is so angry at the doctor who perscribed it he wants to sue the doctor for mal practice. Every doctor I have talked to since this whole thing happened doesnt understand why he put me on sleeping meds when that was not my complaint in the first place.

I am so afraid I will never get back to who was. I am terrified I am going to be stuck like this forever.. disasociated with my reality and completely lacking any and all emotions. It is killing my marriage my husband loves me and knows me well enough that he tells me.. "honey I know you are trying but you arent here.. I am afraid you dont have any feelings for me anymore" I know I love him. I know I do. But I cant feel anything and its so devastating. This has been the most awful thing I have ever been through.. seriously I just.. I am really struggling.

Also (ironic) I forgot but my memory.. IS GONE. It has taken me a solid two months to get back the memories of my wedding.. the most perfect day in my entire life.. When I woke up feeling nothing I couldnt remember anything.. While I was on the Ambien the memory loss was horrible but after the fact .. I am still having major issues with memory.. It scares the sh*t out of me

OMG tan77, I am SO sorry you have gone through this!  What a bloody nightmare!  You have been gravely harmed by your doctor's actions and the drug - I would go after both of them!  No joke, this is a adverse drug reaction to the nth degree.  You have what is called anhedonia.  I would NOT add any other psych drugs to your situation because it could go paradoxical and make things worse.  I am going to send you a private link.  I don't want to scare you since that is the last thing you need on top of it all.  You can heal from this but it will take some time.   Other psych meds are not going to hasten that, I'm  sorry to say.