emski

done this wrong was meant to be part of elmskis thread :cry:

Posting this reply in the hope that you check the forum again. If you would like to know which of emski's threads you wanted this to be part of then I'll move it but it looks like there are 3 threads started by emski.

Hilary

Patient Admin Team

Hi

This is the first time i have been here for a while, and i was so pleased to see someone had replied to me.

I thought i was getting better, then this weekend everything collapsed again. My Mum is ill, going to hospital for loads of tests. I am trying to be strong for her and my Dad by pretending i am ok now.

But i am not.

I am sick to death of everyone giving me advice like 'think positive', 'do something to make you feel better', 'give it time'.

Why do i feel no one is really listening. I feel to my CPN that i am just a statistic. She says i can call her when i feel bad, but what is the point?

Just when i felt a bit better, its like now my mind is punishing me and making me feel like crap again. I dont know what to do with myself. I wish i had the courage to end it all.

Hi Emski,

I would not patronise you as your CPN appears to do, but it concerns me that you can find nothing at all to make you smile at the moment. I have suffered from depression for years, and have been fortunate that my recent medical advice was good and I have found relief through Citalopram although not without some side effects.

There are many caring posters on this forum. I have found support here on many occasions, sometimes direct, sometimes through somebody's casual observation which resonated with me.

I found the hardest thing for me was when I was unable to organise myself. At one stage everything was just not worth it, I did not want to get up, could not sleep at night, could not stay alert after lunch. I went for days without a shower, did not eat properly, could not remember why I was standing looking in the fridge, threw out a lot of cold coffee because I had forgotten to put the milk in and drink it. I did not keep doctors' appointments because I forgot, (still do that sometimes), would write down a list of things to do then studiously ignore it, would watch the telephone as it rang out, almost fascinated by my apathy at not wanting to answer it.

My problems began when my 9 year old son was diagnosed with a brain tumour. (he survived). But it took a toll on my marriage, which failed after 32 years. I had an accident and was off work for 15 months with a broken knee. I thought I would never work again. Divorce, losing my 5 kids, broke ... it was a rough time. Yet others cope with divorce and take it in their stride. I found it very difficult.

I feel for you with your Mum ill and trying to be strong, but I wonder, as a parent of 5 (my oldest nearly 30), if your parents do not realise that you are trying so hard for them. Perhaps your Mum, in her illness, is unable to see things clearly, but \"Daddy's and daughters\" ... I doubt your Dad is convinced, and if that is the case, perhaps he is allowing you to do what you do as his way of supporting you. I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but as a parent I always think of my three daughters and two sons as they were when they were tiny and depended on me absolutely.

I wish you all the best in your struggle with this insidious demon, depression. My only suggestion to you, from my experience, having suffered with depression for more than 42 years, is to persevere with the medical fraternity until somebody says, \"how do you feel about this?\", and then actually listens to you. I was absolutely honest with my doctors and eventually one of them recognised this and helped. In the meantime if you are a reader, sometimes a humourous book like P G Wodehouse or TV comedies like Benny Hill etc can lift your spirits, if only temporarily.

Kind regards.

Thank you so much for replying.

I know exactly what you mean when you talk about going days without a shower and making coffee all wrong. It is so frustrating.

My main issue with my CPN is that she asked to use me as part of a CBT development course she is doing. Which i thought would be ok at the time.

But now i find its like being a specimen in a test. Each session seems to be based around the needs of her coursework and not me. I keep telling them i am self harming and suicidal again and i just seemed to be palmed off as its not part of the session she had planned. Its like i am screaming HELP but no one is listening. I feel i need to take drastic measures to get anyone to take notice. Then at the end of my last session in which i ended up in tears and telling her i wanted to die, she says she cant see me for 2 weeks as she is booked up.

I just dont know what to do.

Hi again Emski,

I feel your pain, I really do. I was in my own mind a man capable of looking after my family (I'm a Cancer) no matter what. My son's brain tumour and living with the knowledge that nothing we could do for him made a jot's difference, that it must take its course, was an enervating reality I would not wish on another parent. Then we entered an 8 year drought, my second daughter was raped and my oldest daughter left with her baby ... it went on and on and eventually everything broke. Including me.

During this time I spent 15 months off work with a broken knee, which was not reconstructed properly and I must have it replaced soon. It just seemed at times like, \"What the hell's the point?\" But I have a 10 year old daughter. She needs her Dad to be strong, and with the help of Citalopram I have turned the corner.

In my discussions (read \"arguments\" with some medical people, I have found that there are several types of animal practicing in this field. There are those who are dedicated to patient welfare, and their first consideration as \"Do no harm to the patient.\" There are those who love the sound of their own voice, and who will waffle and pontificate until your time is used up, when you suddenly appear like a tramp in a ballroom. You are dismissed at this point. Then I have found the one, like your last one, who is intent on carving notches on her or his CV \"belt\", and you are merely a guinea pig participant observing the demoralising aspect of being a lab rat in someone else's plan. I hate that, and the two of those I have come across were both reprimanded by their senior colleagues because I was prepared to challenge both their professional right to practice and their comments as taken at the time of interview. And I was cogent enough to prove that whilst suffering from major depression, I was not necessarily therefore a psychotic personality incapable of making decisions. They are the worst of frauds, because they leave the patient in a worse state than before the appointment. So here is one fellow sufferer who knows exasctly what you mean. And I say to you, don't ever let another human being determine your value in YOUR mind.

Without wishing to offer medical advice, for which I am not qualified, I say only that if you were my wife, sister, cousin, close friend and confidant, I would be asking you what it is that you most urgently want right now. Having decided on a vague general idea of what that is, I would go to another medical centre or another doctor, cancel all future association with this ignorant go-getter, and tell your story to someone who will listen. I have found that very often nurses will confide, quietly, that Dr Bloggs is hopeless and so is Mr Peters, but Mr Robinson is a caring man who will tell you if he feels you should see a specialist, who he will not hestitate in referring you to. Nurses are the most wonderful, overworked, underpaid, caring people in the world. They see when you are distressed, and they offer help. Of course, you will find an occasional one who is having a bad day, but help is at hand, Emski, trust me in this, there are willing, wonderful caring people out there just hoping that you will walk into their life, because your welfare is what motivates them. So think carefully about the sort of help you are willing to accept.

In my case, I was prescribed Efexor, with some horrific side effects. The only way I could be changed from the maximum dosage I was on, was to see a psychiatrist. I was concerned at the fact that this data would follow my medical file around for ever, but at the end of the day it was the only way to climb back out of the hole, which I had been trying to do for some time. 42 years, in fact.

I wish you well in your quest for a way out of this miserable fog of depression. I suppose it is to some extent a personal journey, though there are many contributors to this forum

I am so sorry for what has happened to you and your family. I would never dream of comparing my life to the suffering you have been through.

I have no reason for this depression. I am married, have a house, a job, a family. Yet i feel like this.I feel such a failiure and waste of space. I cant work and that brings me down. I dont know what to do with myself. I dont know who i can talk to or who i can trust anymore. My days are full of sorrow. I try and do things to bring me joy, i started photography a few weeks ago and loved it. But now again i can hardly get out of bed. And nothing seems worthwhile.I am such a shy person that i dont feel i can go to the doctor and tell him my CPN is not working out. I would feel so bad. I tried 2 weeks ago and he phoned her. In my next meeting with her she told me this, and said i should not be so impatient and things would take months to improve. This left me feeling stupid. I want to be so ill almost that someone has to look after me. This sounds selfish i know, but i need help.

Emski, you are not selfish, and yes, you do need help. Not what you've been copping under the guise of help.

My purpose in relating parts of my story was not to beat my chest and impress or try to denigrate. I tried only to put a perspective on the fact that 1) I have suffered with this cursed debilitation for a long time, 2) my circumstances were such that I denied having the problem for longer than (years!! longer than) I should have, and 3), we feel the way we do about our world because of our experiences. We are where we are because of where we've been. You know, if you had a twin sister, and she was riding her bicycle one day as a child and fell into a blackberry bush, she would probably hate bicycles and blackberries. If you had been riding your bicycle and enjoyed every minute, then went picking blackberries with your favourite uncle, you would possibly love both bicycles and blackberries. And those childhood conceptions stick like a burr in a blanket. They are very very hard to dislodge.

When you say, I have no reason for this depression, with respect, you are wrong. You have a very genuine reason for it. And it is very deep, and being married, even happily married, with a good job where you are valued, with a loving, supportive family, is no barrier to this insidious condition. I know a woman in a similar position, whose husband has done all the housewoprk as well as run a successful business for at least forty years that I can remember, and she still has dark days and spends most of her time indoors, or when she is out she is so euphoric as to create a tornado of energy which attracts attention and an embarrassed atmosphere around her. And yet she has been loved, cared for, raised three lovely children, and is a genuinely lovely person.

As fo being shy, I have always been shy. I have never asked a girl out. my wife said to me one evening when she pulled up alongside me in her friend's car, \"When are you going to take me out?\" And I said, \"When do you want to go out?\" So you see that I was also shy. But you can take a little time out every day, morning or night, to sit down with a cuppa and think, really think, what you would like to do. Learn to really focus on the thing you are doing at the moment, whatever that is. And be kind to yourself. You are a good person, a loving mum, a caring wife. So much is obvious. But you suffer with depression. Like cancer, this is a word, not a sentence.

Emski, there are so many wonderful ways to live life. It is, after all, the only thing which is yours. You start with nothing, you can't take it with you. What you do with it is entirely up to you. That is a wonderful thing, but you need to break it down into small steps or it can be very daunting. So please try to think of something you would really, really REALLY like to do before you are unable to do it. Do you want to go to Rome and see the works of art? Would you like to come to Australia and travel three thousand k's west from Sydney, knowing you have another 1500 to go before you get to Perth? Big sky country here. Would you really like to start a group of art/craft people, and revive the ancient art of linen weaving (if that's how it's made) just as your grandmother showed you? Is there a mature age course of study you know you can do, one which would lead to a fulfilling life helping others? Honestly, Life is bursting with opportunity if only we can focus on one path to get us to our goal. Which is why we need to sit down every morning and/or every night, and really really think hard about what could be in our future. Forget the past. It's gone, and going over it wastes more precious time. What is it you want? Does it conflict with what you have? Which is more important? Decision made, move on. What do you want? Is it more important than ..... ? At some point, and it may take 12 months, perhaps more, if you diligently focus on what you want, an ima

Thanks for replying. I am very greatful for your time. I was thinking maybe i should make a list of things i want from people, like my CPN. Maybe if you have time i could share it with you first?

I feel a little more secure knowing there is someone out there like you who actually understands me.

Thank

you

By all means Emski. I have found great support here from many contributors, and am happy to help in any way I can.

It is so very hard to understand depression. I often feel it's like a cloud shadow following me up a hill. I just beat it to the top, then it overtakes me before I can stop it. But this time, with a good doctor and with me having a really well defined, powerful goal - to get custody of my 10 year old daughter and give her a chance at life - I tried Citalopram until I got to a point where I wanted to give it up because of the side effects, and realised I was doing well enough to maybe get off it all together anyway.

So I do understand, and have been so very fortunate to have, I wouldn't say beaten it, but certainly I've begun to deal with depression on an ongoing basis. I doubt it will ever again get me to the point where I was 2 years ago, and where I think you seem to be heading now. I just could not organise myself to cope for a day! And I had owned two farms, had run a transport company at the same time with 18 semi trailers running Adelaide/Melbourne/Sydney/Brisbane, with a wife in hospital, a son who was ill and teaching my then 4 kids through correspondence school. As well as being president of the Distance Education Parents and Citizens Association, and a dozen other things besides. It was such a personal disappointment to me that I could not function. I was never suicidal but I had certainly lost my smile! To go from being a busy well organised dad to a dysfunctional failure was hard to imagine, let alone understand.

You may contact me at any time, and I will try to help. I think your idea of a list is a great step in a positive direction.

Kind regards.