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END OF LIFE HELP..

Posted , 3 users are following.

john74899
john74899

I am struggling with a descision to withdraw fluids and everything from my very elderly Father. He has recently had a stroke, can't swallow, won't have a feed tube or peg feed (pulls them out) has dementia. Has got Aspirated Pneumonia. Drs suggested we consider stoping all intervention, and let nature take its course. We have done this. It is a nightmare, feel we are starving him to death, but what else can we do? There must be a better way than this. Know if we treat the Pneumonia, put a drip in we will likely prolong his life but to what end?

Some of the nursing staff are great, some don't care. Would really value comment if you have been where I am.

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • lily65668
    lily65668 john74899

    Posted

    Dear John,

    I really feel for you. My case was slightly different but I've faced similar issues. My mother, who also had dementia, starved herself to death eight years ago. She was in hospital for the last three months of her life, but just stopped eating. She was still conscious and able to drink, so it took a very long time for the inevitable to happen. I still remember how terrible it felt to watch her fading away like that.

    Now I'm looking after a friend with vascular dementia. She's only 79 - not much older than me - but is completely psychotic. She shouts and yells that she's hungry all morning, but as soon as lunch arrives she screams and runs away from the table, yelling about "the people on her plate". I go into the psycho-geriatric unit where she's locked up for life at least three or four times a week to try and get her to eat, but I often find myself wondering whether I shouldn't give in and let her die. At the moment, it feels as if that would be wrong. She's perfectly able to swallow, still runs around the place.

    In your father's case, it really sounds as if you've made the right decision. As he can no longer eat or drink anything, he would die anyway in the natural course of events, wouldn't he? And even if you treated the pneumonia, it would come back again. My mother had three bouts of pneumonia in four weeks. The first two bouts were treated with antibiotics. The third time, the doctor said: "I'll give her antibiotics if you want me to". I said no, and she died the following morning.

    Cruel though it seems, death comes very quickly after withdrawal of fluids - usually about a week. By now, your father's kidneys will be in the process of shutting down anyway, so giving him intravenous fluids would just overload his system and make it even more difficult for him to breathe. Be with him, talk to him sometimes, even if he doesn't seem to be responding. Hearing is usually the last sense to go. But let go of him. He's on the home stretch now, and your suffering is greater than his.

    My thoughts go with you.

    Lily

    • john74899
      john74899 lily65668

      Posted

      Thank you for your kind response, it really helps. As you say what can we do? To be honest he has had a very poor quality of life for over a year, and lost interest in food a long time ago. I think he has made it this far due to the Fortisip type drinks, but he can't manage them any more. It just seems wrong somehow to not treat him, even though we know this will just keep happening. The Drs would not give any idea of timescale, but I think we need to be prepared for him to go very soon, he has been having tiny sips (sucking sponge) and odd teaspoon of desert only since Sunday. So we are probably talking days not weeks now. 

      We want him to go quickly so he doesn't suffer, but at the same time can't reconcile "wishing him dead" it is a nightmare. 

      If he were one of our beloved animals we would have ended it months ago, but of course we don't do that for people. 

      Thanks for replying smile

    • marie2486
      marie2486 john74899

      Posted

      I know your last post was over a week ago but just wanted to say you have my deepest sympathy everyone has different opinions on what you should do with people such as your father. In my opinion it is worse to watch someone you love suffer knowing they won't get better. I would do what ever your father wanted if he wants to be fed or be given drinks in what ever way possible go along with that if not don't force it on him. I went through similar in 2013 with my nan she could eat and drink but didn't want to. Me and my mum both had different opinions she would go on and push my nan to eat and drink I didn't see the point spending her last weeks arguing and getting annoyed with her. I'd much rather have less time with someone and them be happy and you be happy than have a bit longer watching them suffer or arguing. As I say it is matter of opinion.
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