Entering into a new phaze.. I dont know whats going on

Thank you I am glad I am not alone because I feel like im in my own little world. I feel really disasociated. I feel like I am so checked out and not apart of life. My husband just tells me all the time "you arent here". Its so hard because I kind of thought things were getting better.. and its been almost like a huge let down.  Becuase I am feeling a little better but I am not feeling better does that make any sense to you? like the medication is forcing my mood up but I dont feel any better.

A long story short just so you understand the history.. I was put on Ambien in Oct of 2015 I woke up one day in Nov 2015 feeling absolutely nothing. I feel like I have been through hell and back. I went off Ambien cold turkey and went through the most insane withdrawals.. it was the worst thing I have ever experienced. I wish I could discribe how awful it was but there are no words. I continued to be numb and very low just not feeling anything at all.

Becuase of this I went to a Psychiatrist 30 days ago and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder I was put on Wellbutrin 150. He wants me to up the dose to 300 but I think instead of upping the dose I want to be done with the anti depressant all together. 

I am almost feeling so lost and crazy and I dont know the cause of these issues I am having anymore. Nothing makes sense.  

Hi tan

it's interesting you mentioned going cold turkey at one point. I did the same and crawled through 30 days of misery. Now back on and feeling like you. You said it spot on ...feeling better but kind of not better! With you all the way with that statement!

It's probably a time limited phase which will pass soon god willing.

wishing you better xxx

Oh I am so sorry you had to deal with this.. its so awful. Seriously going cold turkey was the worst decision.. thanks a lot nurse practitioner is all I have to say. They did nothing for me but make things worse.

I am so sad to hear you are feeling the way I do but I am happy to know I am not alone. I am really struggling today.. my husband doesnt think I want to be with him any more and he is scared that I just am accepting that I wont get better. I am scared.. I am scared that things are getting worse because I dont feel better I feel worse and I feel more and more disconnected with each passing day. The more my husband and I argue the more disconnected I become. I am just.. I am so tired of this. I just want to be back to my normal self again. I feel like my brain has completely given up.

ugh im so sorry to vent like that.. i am just sitting here at my desk crying at work so consumed by my issues and the fact that I dont feel love for my husband.. I just hate myself right now

Hi tan

bless you, this illness loves to trick us by making us believe we will never get better. It also is notorious for ruining relationships and stealing all our hopes and dreams. The good news is what you are going through now, will pass. We all seem to recover differently and with different time frames. My heart goes out to you, I could actually picture you upset at your desk. Where are you now in terms of medication? I am still up and down like a yo yo, one day I am so happy to be well, the next chronic fatigue and low mood.

It's clear from reading your post that you are still very poorly and this condition is really impacting on your personal and working life. Are you going back to the gp? I think it may be a good idea. Can you try and explain to your husband that arguing is making your illness worse. Perhaps have a good chat when you both feel calm. I honestly hope your health starts improving and your sunshine returns

god bless ♥♥

Lorraine thank you so much for being my angel on a day I was really beside myself. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to express your love and concern for me and this awful illness. It has stolen everything.. I find myself being okay and I think coping pretty well.. and then my husband and I will argue (and I cant tell if its because of me because I am not making sense or if its because he is frustrated and misses me.) He is extrememly stressed out and its really taking a toll on our relationship on top of what I am going through which is also taking a toll on our relationship. There are times that we argue that I dont even know how we got to that point.. it just sucks. I wish I cared that we dont get along very well. But when I try to just care I end up just being mad about it. I used to be a police officer and this is not at all who I am. I used to be in control of myself and my mind.. Now I cant even cope or hold relationships together. The worst part is I dont care and I know I should but I just dont.

I contacted my physician the day you wrote back to me and he switched me from Wellbutrin to Zoloft and also gave me an anti anxiety. I also have made an appointment for therapy to try and learn some coping skills through this. I did tell my husband the arguing is really shutting me down and its making things so much worse and I know he feels bad. I know it doesnt make him feel good either. I have also made an appointment for him to see a therapist so that he can learn some destressing coping skills becuase he is just not able to function with just normal every day things right now.

Thank you so much for listening to me and actually taking care in what I have to say. There are so many days that I feel like I have no one to talk to and no one who understands. I feel like when I talk I make things negative and situations so much worse and I really really dont mean to. I really just am trying to work through what is happening and its been very hard to do that. I even feel dismissed by my Psychiatrist at times and it really makes me sad because I feel like he thinks I am crazy. I dont think I am crazy but I do know that I am not myself right now and I am not in denial that there is something very wrong. You just dont know the impact you have had in my life and I am so grateful for you. Hopefully someday the light will return and hopefully this wont take away everything I loved and cared about before this happened.

I would love to know even more about you and your progress. If you feel comfortable sharing please do. I hope too you are on the up and up and things are getting better for you as each day passes. <3>

Bless you tan, you have made my day! Also made me teary..i get emotional easily these days! I from the heart feel for you. It sounds like you now have to get use to different meds and potential side effects. I am glad you have made an appointment for your hubby to see a therapist. I think it must be so hard for people to understand depression if they haven't experienced it. You are right this illness makes your feelings numb. That's what makes it so cruel. I also understand the loss when reminiscing over my past job responsibilities and then looking at life now. Some days I can't manage to drag myself out of bed and be responsible for myself! Depression effects everything, my thought process has become shocking eg go to grab milk from fridge and open the microwave! I became ill for the first time last year in May.

I was on citalopram for six months and spent those months mainly in bed wishing for an end which never came. In December I was switched to mirtazipine which yanked me out of depression. Three weeks into the med I had gone from a quiet placid person, into a raging bull! Huge rage which made me feel scared. So doc told me to stop cold turkey and that's when I experienced the same awful withdrawal you had. Then had to reinstate, now after a few weeks the anger is back! So need to come off again! I have my first psychiatrist appointment scheduled, so not sure if that will be any help.

Anyway back to important things. ...you! Have you got an idea if your new meds have a multitude of side effects? If so did the doc give you something to help you over the adjustment period?

I was given a great website which has lots of tools to help cope and adjust thinking. If your interested let me know and I will pm to you.

It would be great reading material for your husband too.

try not to worry about feeling like you 'don't care about things'. This is the illness, not you. When I went to see a consultant for my stomach, he read in my notes I was depressed and told me to get high strength omega3 apparently it's so good for the brain as well as the body, if you haven't got some, it's worth a shot! You will come out of this abyss, the sun will shine again for you, it's so important to not lose sight of that. (I did last year)

I think we dwell on what was, it is soul destroying anf destructive. We need to think pass this illness, and focus on 'what will be' (giving us both a pep up talk there! Lol)

I will certainly pray for you and hope you stay in touch.

God bless ♥♥

Hi Stevo

It is such a weird place to be in. I try to continue to be spiritual and keep myself positive but its almost like some one is in my brain sitting on the "dont care about anything" button. The things that were helping me in the beginning of this depression now have zero effect and dont bring hope any longer.

The Psychiatrist I went to on February 2nd put me on Wellbutrin 150 and I just went and saw him on March 2nd and he wants to up my dose to 300.. however I have thought about going off medication all together because I dont like that it is making/forcing me feeling better but I really dont "feel better" does that make sense? 

Totally makes sense and I know your pain, has your doctor considered Citalopram maybe theres good reason you havent being prescribed it however I hear a lot of very good feedback about it and it worked wonders with me after side effects normalised. See what your doc says that have the bigger picture hang in there

Hi steve pls how long did the citalopram take to work properly for you i have been on it 3mths its better but not good Waking is bad .cheers

 

Hi Jran, unfortnately everyone is different however there is light at the end of the tunnel I am sure of that as everyone on the forum reports a long but successful result taking citalopram, sleep can be effected as things adapt just hang in there and make sure you help things by keeping faith that it will work

I am trying to hang I just.. I dont know I completely hate this so much. I just want to have my life back.. I want me back. I am really struggling today. This is so freaking hard to deal with. I just want to feel love for my husband. I cant care or forse myself to care about my situation right now it sucks.

Hi Tan, I would look up some information around depression and the effects on people and expose him to how you feel compared to the material this worked for a friend of mine who had issues with his partner dont really getting the depression thing? I guess it will hopefully reinforce any doubts partners may have as its very hard on everyone! Try not let the frustration use up your good energy keep fighting this thing cant beat you remember that the fact you are fighting like this is powerful!!!