Erectile Dysfunction; 25, Healthy, Lean, Sexually Broken

Hello All,

I'm glad I found a site where I can post about my issue, though I'm hoping that my post does not get lost among all of the STI-inquiry posts on this ED forum. I've been beating myself up mentally about this problem for about two years now and I'm finally at the point where I need to let this all out. I'm a 25 year old male of 6'4", 230lbs total weight (I know that this is considered overweight for my height, but I have a low bodyfat percentage, abs visible, etc.), and I typically workout between 4-6 times a week, incorporating both cardio (mostly rowing and assault bike) and weightlifting. I have no known physical conditions that would typically influence ED. I just had my physical and everything came back normal and healthy.

I start off like this, because when I search for answers to my problem, most of the results point toward physical unhealth-induced "low-T" as the primary cause. So if I'm healthy, then what's causing my issue? If I consider all times that I may have possibly contributed to the problem, two things come to mind - 1.5 months of "Test Booster" (P6 Black & P6 Red) use back in 2014 (5 years ago) and off-and-on use of a penis pump (for fun and extra size, used prior to possible sexual encounters; one use resulted in a moderately painful and somewhat frightening eggplant resemblance of my penis (much larger than typical, and darker with blood)).

Reactions to the P6: At the time I was 20 years old and I had noticed that my hair had just barely started to thin around my hairline. Like an idiot, I had used the P6 out of competition against a friend who had said he was using it and had started beating my weightlifting capability. After 3-4 weeks of use, I noticed that every time I would take a shower, especially when shampooing my hair, that I would have what looked like 100 hairs by my feet (and on my hands) in my shower. This slowed down greatly after I had discontinued use at about 6 weeks, but obviously the hair never grew back as it's in my genetic future to lose the hair anyway.

As for the penis pump, I threw it out and haven't used one again since the "eggplant experience."

Lets make this more complicated:

The runner-up response for ED in young males is stress/anxiety. Over the past few years I've held more than my fair share of stress, anxiety, and depression. I've done military deployments to Afghanistan and Djibouti, I was denied positions (twice; after screening) in the special operations unit I had spent my career working toward, my father, grandmother, and other family members passed, my brother (who lives with me) drove 2.5 hours away and tried to kill himself (for which I had to chase and stop him), and I made the stressful swap back to civilian life.

On top of all of that, I ended my last long term relationship (~3 years together) in the beginning of 2016, right before my Afghanistan deployment. I loved her when I broke up with her, but decided it was in my best career interest for us to split up after she mentally broke down during a 2-week pre-deployment combat training due to me being away. (I was about to go to Afghanistan and was preparing to screen for a unit that would have me deploy 1-2 times a year) It wasn't until about two years later, in the beginning of 2018 that I had sex again, due to a lack of sexual and overall confidence, low self-worth, and guilt of being capable of breaking someone's heart whom I'd loved and promised so much to. -End of the soppy bit

Shortly after that encounter, 2 months later, I started what would be a 1 month relationship with another girl. I was actually fairly aroused and would achieve erections during foreplay fairly easily, until after we had sex the first time. Long story short she shamed me for not ejaculating fast enough and eventually stopped us and asked me what was wrong with her, trying to point herself as the cause of my lack of ejaculation. She said that it had never taken a man more than 7 minutes or so with her (lol) and that I must have not found her attractive.....

I was actually extremely attracted to her and I can take much longer than 7 minutes even while masturbating to porn (depending on the porn). My ex from 2016 and I would have sex for hours (not 7 minutes..) while I most enjoyed making her orgasm as many times as possible before I did. Maybe this practice was bad for my prostate? Regardless, that one-month stint certainly resulted in some additional confidence damage, especially after my father went on hospice, and then died, and she broke up with me shortly after, stating that "it sucks that there aren't any guys that have their s**t together AND are fun." Well of course I wasn't the most fun guy in the world, I had only been at my new job for a month after being unemployed for 5, and spent the weekends seeing my dad on hospice, until he died and she broke up with me. I attribute most of the breakup to me not being able to perform with her after the first time. Honestly, all that was on my mind was inevitably displeasing her while trying to make her orgasm for the first time while she had "never had an orgasm in her life during sex."

Next bit - a month or so ago:

At this point it's been more than a year since the one month stint, and I haven't had sex again since. A month ago, after pub crawling with friends and drinking moderately that night, I wind up dancing, flirting, and making out with this gorgeous travel nurse who eventually brought me back to her condo. I know that alcohol has an ED effect on some people, but I had absolutely no sexual response whatsoever while dancing, making out, or even later. By the time we had gotten to her condo, she was exhausted but invited me up to her room, I went downstairs to grab some water first (in part to bide myself some time to control my anxiety, plus I was actually super thirsty) and she was dead asleep for the night by the time I got to the room. Part of me was extensively relieved at the lack of disappointment and/or embarrassment that I'd have to deal with, but I laid awake all night, just absolutely loathing myself for laying next to the most beautiful woman I've ever attracted and not being physically capable of having sex. I was fully mentally aware, extremely so. Because of this, it's hard for me to pin this on the alcohol.

So where do I stand now? Well I know the problem isn't libido; defined as the lust for sex or sexual activity with a partner. That is ALL that I want, however the inability to perform once starting inhibits me from trying to meet anyone much anymore. All that I want is to be able to physically love and show affection & have sex. The problem is that I see women that look sexy, or even interact with me sexually, I'll usually have no sexual response, even though I remember being extremely aroused by very similar sights / acts / experiences when I was younger (I'm only 25 damnit) where I'd easily achieve erections just by a thought. I still identify so many things as being very sexy and my brain wants to take action, but my friend does not react.

Do I receive random erections anymore? Sometimes, and it's often when I first wake up and I'm cooking eggs in the morning and haven't eaten yet. Weird? Yes, definitely. Maybe coincidence or due to the lack of blood and energy being utilized by digestion and metabolism at the time, while being able to fuel more important things like my penis (lol).

I watched a video from Barstool today and it's what prompted my post here. Two men were being asked questions during a Barstool (usually sexual) questionnaire, and the question was, "Would you rather lose an entire leg, or never be able to use your penis again?" They both quickly answered, "My leg, for sure." People would rather lose an entire leg than to deal with what I'm dealing with. I would LOVE to enjoy my penis that much. I don't even fully remember what amazing sex is like anymore, but I definitely know I've had it (3 years ago).

So what could the cause be?

Am I still having trouble getting over my last long term relationship? No

Do I still feel guilty for it? No, luckily I've since been forgiven

Am I desensitized from porn? I gave up porn 4 months ago

Can I still jerk off and orgasm? Yes, but it's less fun, I don't get as hard, and I cum less. My penis also becomes soft much faster now after ejaculation, and my testicles have shrank noticeably from when I was younger

Diet-based? No, I usually meal prep (brown rice, chicken, spinach, broccoli, almonds, etc) no refined sugars. I've tried intermittent fasting and keto, but I've found that just eating well-rounded meals works best for me.

Do I have low T? Maybe; it's remarkably harder to keep off body fat now, even with great diet and vigorous exercise, my muscles aren't as dense as they used to be, plus the penis and testicle shrinkage noticed above

Did I break myself? Not sure, the penis pump was a dumb idea I didn't need, but the "eggplant experience" did not have any noticeable symptoms after that day.

I know that most of the responses here will involve "talk to your doctor," and I'll probably wind up printing this off and bringing it to my next appointment (haven't talked about it much yet because my doctor is attractive, it's an awkward / embarrassing conversation, and I feel like as a 25 year old muscular man, I'll just be seen as "testosterone seeking."), but I'm hoping that sharing the experience helps someone else and maybe elicits some insights that could help me out too.

As a side note, I manage my depression well without medication, and I'm hoping for some insights outside of "see a therapist," as that route, while potentially value-adding, seems to be the most intensive as unwrapping and re-wiring the human brain is one of the most difficult things to do. I know because I've been working on it.

With that being said, thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to reading your thoughts and opinions!

Thanks!

Matt

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