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anxiety & depression gives me headaches, i feel woosy, queasy, light-headed all of the time, in constant thought, no break from my mind, it eats up at me - when i'm feeling good it's 0.2s before i'm thinking. because my mind goes "wow... i'm feeling good! this is a good thing!" then i start worrying about going back to how i was. and i'm here again. i literally fall down the hole and i can see yourself falling. i know that thinking about this will make it worse but i cannot stop thinking. most meds won't cure me... being mindful and spiritual isn't enough but it helps, meditation can turn nasty if i'm in the wrong mindset. revision is impossible. all i'm thinking is: I can't do this, its' too hard, too little time - all i'm thinking about is how i CAN'T do this, how my head feels so heavy; some people begin to love something and it's their crutch - might be drinking, might be smoking; some people turn their lives completely AROUND at this point. some people love running & health, some love yoga & buddhism. some people love those things and they never come back, they learn to not let themselves fall down but for other's it is impossible. Trust me. for as long as i can remember i have been trying to remedy my problems. for as long as i can remember. i can remember being in primary school, on the school playground, and constantly thinking... always worried about something. i've missed so much in my life because im always in my head. i remember going to weddings, but not being there because i was too worried about my weight. i was so focused on my collar bones showing & that was all i thought about. i blamed my problems on everything else. i blamed them on my upbringing - the fact my mum has an eating disorder, the fact my sister has mental health issues, that my dad left when we were younger and he gets angry all of the time - i blamed it on my metabolism for not being quick enough & eventually i turned and blamed EVERYTHING on myself. now instead of it being my mum's fault I had ED growing up i blamed my mum's ED on me. i was never there. i never supported her when i could. i never told her how much i loved her and made her feel like she was worth something. i feel so neglected and empty and dry with emotion & i am getting to the point where i cannot see any other route off this earth other than suicide.
i'm where i should be. i'm finishing college, my grades should be good, i've got a place at uni and my boyfriend loves me. i've opened up to my family. before i was so stoic, so angry and so bitter. i've never had a longer conversation than about 10 minutes, most of that was filled by awkward silence, with any member of my family. but now we speak.
but i am so uncomfortable and alone. i'm skinny, i'm vegan, and i do honestly think that i'm pretty most of the time. my outlook is better, and now i have to face my problems. they're tearing through and i cannot deal with them. now they're not repressed; now that i'm now repressing myself, i have discovered how deadly mental health issues are.
i'm really struggling. if i look back on my life i cannot find worth. a lifetime of this is not worth it - trust me. no amount of happiness can make up for a lifetime of scaredness and sadness.
so what should i do? i've seen GP's, i cannot take meds, at the moment i just don't have time for meditation or mindfulness. when i told my boyfriend that i'd prefer my 2 last exams to be on the same day so i didn't have to revise for another week he scoffed, as most people would. but it's just so different in this mindset. another week of struggle isn't worth a good grade. my mental health is at breaking point again.
I never dealt with these issues as a child & they have completely ruined my childhood. i have barely any good memories to look back on. i feel like a special-worst-case-scenario in that i've dug myself a hole so deep i cannot get out of it. chants and mantras and cliches don't work. my mind consumes me, i just can't see how if i've been born with this and I'm supposed to get rid of it. it feels so innate in my nature.
i'm sorry if i reply sloppily as in here and there but my anxiety gets really bad about online forums
i guess i'm just asking if anybody can relate and what helped them
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