Extreme Panic and Existential Anxiety Over Relatively Trivial Issue(s)?
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Hello. This is a layered issue with a lot of baggage behind it; it'd take me a long time to describe the various different facets of this, so I'll summarise. I need to stress that it's not simply the issue I'm going to describe here that's causing trouble.
I'm a natural worrier and things easily upset me and cause me to stress. I'm a writer. I've struggled with what I call creation neuroticism for a long time and with trying to get short stories published. Suffice it to say, this is difficult to achieve. If I were to summarise a complicated set of issues and neglect a few other important points related to it, I can say that I have a story published I do not want to be published anymore. But that can't happen because it's in print and it's in people's homes. It's not something I'm completely embarrassed about, nor is it one of those things one creates then feels shameful about a long time after. It is, however, in a magazine I'm not sure I want anything to do with now. I wrote it perhaps six or seven months ago, but I don't feel that it represents my values as much anymore and I regret some word choices. This is exacerbated by the fact that, well, I only have this and one other story published. I've written hundreds of pages, but because this is one of only two stories out in the world, I feel like it defines me. I wrote it in two days because I wanted so much to get a story acceptance, won a contest, and now it's in print forever. I regret not considering it more. I'm talking about 1 page of text and primarily one word choice. This word choice, believe it or not, probably changes the entire meaning of the story for most people. I only realised this recently. The problem is that it may indicate to people that I'm interested in something that in reality I want nothing to do with. I'm not going to give details as they don't matter here.
Now, I know what the vast majority of people will say. This is laughably trivial. It's not to me. I have deep anxiety about being defined by the things I create and being viewed in a certain light because of what I include in my stories. This is egotistical, I know, but it's true. I have to say that I've been so anxious about not being able to remove this story from print--it's completely out of my hands--that I've experienced something close to a panic attack many times in the past few days. Even after thinking about this issue constantly I still can't get past it. I know in the grand scheme of things it's trivial, but I also just keep thinking that it will never go away. I can't ask the editor to unprint it. I can't ask everyone that has a copy to destroy the issue my story is in.
This is how much I suffer from anxiety and worry. I also may have OCD as it's almost physically painful at times that I can't have this story removed. I want neatness and simplicity, a clean slate, too, however this is for other reasons I won't go into. It's this acute feeling of wanting something to be under my control so much, but I know it can't ever be. I can't even feel like in time I'll feel better about it by writing more things or regret its publication less as time passes.
Again, there's a lot more here I'm not saying, but this is the main issue. The frustrating part is I know it's trivial, but my brain keeps telling me it's not because if I die, well, this thing will define me forever. I regret one word in a single page and yet, somehow, it's causing a sense of plunging dread in me every time I remember it. This isn't right. This isn't how brains are supposed to work. It's clear I have some serious issue that needs to be fixed.
It's such an issue for me that it's affecting everything that's related to writing. I don't want to read or do anything else concerning books... It also feels like people will get the wrong impression of me and think of me in a certain way for the rest of time. I can't even be happy because I keep remembering this thing exists. It's absurd.
I feel like even if I ask the editor to take down the website version and remove any mention of it from my own site, I know it'll always exist in print and that's maddening. It's existential in nature. I'm aware I'm amplifying this and extrapolating it unhelpfully, but it also feels like because this word and potential interpretation exists for the meaning and theme of the story, doing things or thinking about things that are in any way opposite to this in meaning will always remind me that this story exists because I imagine that people will think of me what I don't want them to think.
I think I may have some form of autism because this is a single word on a single page of text.
0 likes, 2 replies
jan34534 Sepulchrave93
Posted
i’m really sorry you are so upset about this. And that it’s constantly bothering you. But the truth is I really believe that you are more worried other people will think poorly of you than they actually will .
people are so caught up in their own lives that reading that one word is not something they are going to be thinking about. In reality, most people don’t care. They read it and go on with their lives. Many of us think that people dwell on what we say or what we do or in your case what we write. But they don’t! They really don’t care. People are rushing all over the place involved and wrapped up in their own lives. That’s the honest truth. Most people don’t even remember what they read anyway. So try to relax about this. And another thing, it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks.
when we define ourselves by what other peoples opinions are about us, then we are controlled by them. You know who you are now and that’s all you need to know. So.....
Sepulchrave93
Edited
Thanks for the kind and considered words.
I think that the rational side of my brain knows people won't think much of this one story, but it still bothers me a great amount. I'm realising that it's more to do with my own principles and self-image. It's silly to say, but I regret writing this thing as it hints at ideas that I don't fully support now and never really did. I'd honestly feel better if this was something I wrote when I was a teenager as it's normal to look back at something and feel regret because we change. I wrote this, as I said, only half a year ago or a little over half a year. It's not anything majorly negative, it's just that I seem to be hyper focused on this issue to the point that I simply can't get over it.
I think I just can't handle how permanent it is. I've never experienced not being able to instantly delete work that I've done.
Edit: An important point I forgot to mention is that I believe a lot of my anxiety stems from the fact that writing, the thing that's supposed to be my joy in life, has caused this much worry and has ultimately acted against me, even if it's just one or two words on a page. I would suggest maybe I was never cut out to be a writer, but I have something else in print and one other thing published online and I'm proud of them.