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For the last month or so, every time I look at something - ANYTHING. I immediately think about the most disgusting, evil or perverse thing that could happen to it or that I could do to it and I have NO idea why. These thoughts are constant and make me feel like I'm going to turn into a violent, sexual predator or a serial killer or a pedophile despite knowing I would NEVER carry out these thoughts. But I feel like I'm walking around with this big secret and I feel guilty because anytime I look at something, my parents or random objects and even children, these thoughts come into my head and I DON'T WANT THEM. Like I said, there is zero percent chance any of these thoughts would come true but I don't know why they're filling my head when I am usually someone who is a GOOD person who does the right thing.
Why do I have these pervasive unwanted thoughts? Why do I imagine horrible acts of perversion when I look at something as innocent as a child or a dog or my grandparents. I would NEVER hurt them but it hurts to be around them and I just wanted to shut myself away.
I'm 24 now, since I was 13 I've been diagnosed with depression, then generalized anxiety disorder, then bipolar disorder type 2 in addition to other medical conditions. I now take 20 pills a day & have tried every pill in the book. Currently on Lithium, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Lyrica, Saphris, Lorazepam, Valium, hydrocortisone, Seasonique et. al.
I also had brain surgery last May to remove a pituitary adenoma (tumor) that grew as a result of a severe case of Cushing's Syndrome which was caught 10 years too late. So my hormones are a MESS because my pituitary gland isn't working properly and I'm on hormones to replace the cortisol my body can no longer produce but craves since my levels were 1742 when 350 is considered high-range, but the removal of the tumor brought my levels to zero so my brain is like a junkie starved for its fix.
If you've read all this, THANK YOU. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person because I have these thoughts and I can't break the pattern. Every time I look at an object normally,its like my brain goes 'Hey! You're thinking normally. Remember when you were thinking the other way?' and then I think the other way again and the images come back.
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