Extreme Unwanted Thoughts - WHY? Perverted, Violent, Debilitating, Getting Desperate

Posted , 6 users are following.

For the last month or so, every time I look at something - ANYTHING. I immediately think about the most disgusting, evil or perverse thing that could happen to it or that I could do to it and I have NO idea why. These thoughts are constant and make me feel like I'm going to turn into a violent, sexual predator or a serial killer or a pedophile despite knowing I would NEVER carry out these thoughts. But I feel like I'm walking around with this big secret and I feel guilty because anytime I look at something, my parents or random objects and even children, these thoughts come into my head and I DON'T WANT THEM. Like I said, there is zero percent chance any of these thoughts would come true but I don't know why they're filling my head when I am usually someone who is a GOOD person who does the right thing. 

Why do I have these pervasive unwanted thoughts? Why do I imagine horrible acts of perversion when I look at something as innocent as a child or a dog or my grandparents. I would NEVER hurt them but it hurts to be around them and I just wanted to shut myself away. 

I'm 24 now, since I was 13 I've been diagnosed with depression, then generalized anxiety disorder, then bipolar disorder type 2 in addition to other medical conditions. I now take 20 pills a day & have tried every pill in the book. Currently on Lithium, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Lyrica, Saphris, Lorazepam, Valium, hydrocortisone, Seasonique et. al. 

I also had brain surgery last May to remove a pituitary adenoma (tumor) that grew as a result of a severe case of Cushing's Syndrome which was caught 10 years too late. So my hormones are a MESS because my pituitary gland isn't working properly and I'm on hormones to replace the cortisol my body can no longer produce but craves since my levels were 1742 when 350 is considered high-range, but the removal of the tumor brought my levels to zero so my brain is like a junkie starved for its fix.

If you've read all this, THANK YOU. I'm tired of feeling like a horrible person because I have these thoughts and I can't break the pattern. Every time I look at an object normally,its like my brain goes 'Hey! You're thinking normally. Remember when you were thinking the other way?' and then I think the other way again and the images come back. 

 

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  • Posted

    For some reason your full of hate and you just might act on your thoughts some day. I would start with a new doctor and maybe start clean with new medication cause what your doing now isn't working. Nothing is normal from what you've told me. You should never have evil thoughts looking at an innocent child or anything else for that matter. For sure counseling is needed here. Did you have a abusive child hood or something. Are you with an abusive partner maybe. Somewhere it sounds like you've suffered some trauma maybe when you were very young and don't even remember, it's in your sub consience mind and it's coming to the surface now in ways you cannot control. Maybe you were bullied at school. Many things could be causing it but doubtful it's brain damage in anyway. I suffer from major brain damage from the last 16 yrs many issues, I'm not thinking mean thoughts and have taken groups and rehab with many people over the years and that does not happen. Some anger and irritibilty but that's it and it's easy to control with meds. Nothing to do with evil thoughts. Maybe you should go to church and find Jesus and soften that heart of yours and put good thoughts in your head.

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    • Posted

      I sincerely hope you respond with more kindness to others on this site when you have to me. I am a Christian and would NEVER throw words around like you just have. Reactions like yours are the reason why people are afraid to reach out for help with mental health. To suggest someone has been abused or to suggest they would act on thoughts with NOTHING to back you up is unhelpful and downright cruel. You should be truly ashamed at yourself - and if you think my answer is wrong, go and ask any of your own counseling groups. I have no doubt they'll correct you as you need to be. God bless you as someone so full of hate and a wish to hurt.

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    • Posted

      First off I'm not the one full of hate here. I was simply asking you questions to see what might be causing these horrible thoughts. You said you were feeling like you might be violent. Thoughts of hurting children and sexual acts just doesn't happen out of the blue. I was trying to help by seeing if something happened in your past. You said you've tried everything else.There wasn't a nicer way to put that,this is a nasty subject. It's hard to help someone who is reaching out if you don't know the whole story so I'm asking you stuff. No need to get angry at me I'm just trying to help. If a couple of questions is going to upset you that much than you shouldn't put out a post that is so concerning.

      If you are a christian maybe talk to your preacher about this, he might be able to do something.I'm truly sorry your going through all this...there must be something that's triggering it and when you figure out what that is then you can deal with it and it will stop.I hope

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  • Posted

    "Currently on Lithium, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Lyrica, Saphris, Lorazepam, Valium, hydrocortisone, Seasonique et. al. "

    Is it possible that side effects from the combination of medications you're on are causing it?

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    • Posted

      Yes I was going to mention medication also. Might be worth getting pharmacist to go over you're meds make sure there are no interactions between certain meds. For example lorazepam and valium are both of the same class of drug (benzodiazepines) so are not usually prescribed together.

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    • Posted

      I was thinking the same thing with what she listed.  Seems like some of that shouldn't be together, but I'm not a professional, so I didn't say anything specific.  Would definitely recommend the pharmacist thing.

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  • Posted

    Hi,

    That could be the side effect of the medication you've taken.

    Try to visit a therapist and ask an opinion on your condition

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