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So here's the thing, in order to really understand online, people should take what I'm saying at face value.
A big problem for me with it all is people undermining what I put, playing it down, and trying to have an answer for everything. I understand that's sometimes peoples way of trying to help but having advice which isn't relevant at all just doesn't help.
My drinking is all down to how much suffering is happening in my own life. On the very few periods that life has been ok, my drinking has been minimal. When times are hard, harder than I can actually manage, my drinking increases significantly. Any thoughts about drinking affecting my health go out the window and I take the buzz of booze over the suffering and misery of life.
Onto the face value stuff. I wont go into extreme detail as I would be here all week but trust me when I say I've gone through some really horrific things, beyond what the vast majority can ever imagine. Abuse, medical negligence, misdiagnosis, seeing terminally ill family going downhill and dying. I was so strong to go through all of that and worse still, I had nothing in terms of support even though I really needed it.
I took on more than I could handle, it was forced onto me which I had no control of (i.e family illnesses, I didn't make them ill, but had to go through seeing it all). I went for medical help and nobody wanted to know or help. I had to battle on alone.
After all that suffering, all that being strong for some 15 years, what happened in the past year, my "reward"? I was forced out of my own housing association home by neighbours from hell (HA and police didn't help), I ended up having to go back to the family home where abuse from a family member continued. I tried opening up to another family member about the abuse to be completely dismissed, not believed and in fact, they just saw it as me trying to cause trouble so forced me out of the family home to be.... homeless.
An old friend let me sofa surf at theirs. They've been a bit of a help but there's only so much they can do. It really is horrific at theirs. A house in the middle of nowhere and I don't drive. I have no independence, no freedom, all my stuff is in boxes, no bedroom. I can't even go shopping for myself due to the house being in the middle of nowhere. I hate it here so much it's affecting my mental health.
That alone is enough to drive me to drink at times, but you know what really does it? The let downs and disappointment of trying to move forward....
In terms of housing, I now earn too much money to be eligible for social housing. I don't earn enough to rent and my credit score isn't good enough anyway. The only option has been my friend offering to buy a place for me and I cover the mortgage payments.
I am SO desperate to move. More desperate than I've ever been in my entire life for something. Simply put, I'm only in this position now because my closest family members died and the evil abuser one didn't, and, because I had neighbours from hell. None of that is my fault but I have to live with the consequences which until I move, I can't move on from.
Of course though, house buying is filled with let downs. Too many buyers, not enough properties. We have to find somewhere, I have to like it and then every single time we are let down or don't manage to get it and it's too devastating to cope with.
At the weekend a property was seen and an offer was put in. Yesterday I was at the pub with the friend I live with, having a pint of coke. No intention to drink alcohol. That was until they had an email from the estate agents and yes.... another let down. Truly devastated and unable to cope with any more I drank 8 pints of beer. It wasn't exactly drinking to get completely drunk, but more, wanting to drink for as long as possible. I'd have been happy if I could sit there for 5 hours drinking 8 pints and just sustained the feeling after having 1.
So that's the thing with my drinking. I'm hurting so much inside that I just can't cope with any more bad or upsetting things. I don't crave alcohol, I just end up being so let down or unable to manage any more that I don't care about alcohol affecting my own health and so I turn to it for the buzz, the boost, to perk myself up.
I can't go on with any more pain. I've been to hell and back already. There's nothing anyone can do either unless it's move me into my own home. Nothing else changes my situation.
Certainly in future if I ever move, I'm likely to need some counselling or therapy regarding my mental health but in my current circumstances, it just wont do very much for me.
Just to finish, now there's "calm" after getting through the let down (with drink), I know I drink too much. Some 18 pints of beer a week is doing me no long term good at all. Yet as much as I know this and want to cut down or quit, I can't predict or control the future. The house move is so important and desperate, more than anyone can ever understand, and with potentially more disappointment and let downs incoming, I know all too well that it will be so unbearable that at that time, all thoughts of the damage alcohol does will go out the window and it will be another 8 pint session.
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