Extremely complex times
Posted , 4 users are following.
So here's the thing, in order to really understand online, people should take what I'm saying at face value.
A big problem for me with it all is people undermining what I put, playing it down, and trying to have an answer for everything. I understand that's sometimes peoples way of trying to help but having advice which isn't relevant at all just doesn't help.
My drinking is all down to how much suffering is happening in my own life. On the very few periods that life has been ok, my drinking has been minimal. When times are hard, harder than I can actually manage, my drinking increases significantly. Any thoughts about drinking affecting my health go out the window and I take the buzz of booze over the suffering and misery of life.
Onto the face value stuff. I wont go into extreme detail as I would be here all week but trust me when I say I've gone through some really horrific things, beyond what the vast majority can ever imagine. Abuse, medical negligence, misdiagnosis, seeing terminally ill family going downhill and dying. I was so strong to go through all of that and worse still, I had nothing in terms of support even though I really needed it.
I took on more than I could handle, it was forced onto me which I had no control of (i.e family illnesses, I didn't make them ill, but had to go through seeing it all). I went for medical help and nobody wanted to know or help. I had to battle on alone.
After all that suffering, all that being strong for some 15 years, what happened in the past year, my "reward"? I was forced out of my own housing association home by neighbours from hell (HA and police didn't help), I ended up having to go back to the family home where abuse from a family member continued. I tried opening up to another family member about the abuse to be completely dismissed, not believed and in fact, they just saw it as me trying to cause trouble so forced me out of the family home to be.... homeless.
An old friend let me sofa surf at theirs. They've been a bit of a help but there's only so much they can do. It really is horrific at theirs. A house in the middle of nowhere and I don't drive. I have no independence, no freedom, all my stuff is in boxes, no bedroom. I can't even go shopping for myself due to the house being in the middle of nowhere. I hate it here so much it's affecting my mental health.
That alone is enough to drive me to drink at times, but you know what really does it? The let downs and disappointment of trying to move forward....
In terms of housing, I now earn too much money to be eligible for social housing. I don't earn enough to rent and my credit score isn't good enough anyway. The only option has been my friend offering to buy a place for me and I cover the mortgage payments.
I am SO desperate to move. More desperate than I've ever been in my entire life for something. Simply put, I'm only in this position now because my closest family members died and the evil abuser one didn't, and, because I had neighbours from hell. None of that is my fault but I have to live with the consequences which until I move, I can't move on from.
Of course though, house buying is filled with let downs. Too many buyers, not enough properties. We have to find somewhere, I have to like it and then every single time we are let down or don't manage to get it and it's too devastating to cope with.
At the weekend a property was seen and an offer was put in. Yesterday I was at the pub with the friend I live with, having a pint of coke. No intention to drink alcohol. That was until they had an email from the estate agents and yes.... another let down. Truly devastated and unable to cope with any more I drank 8 pints of beer. It wasn't exactly drinking to get completely drunk, but more, wanting to drink for as long as possible. I'd have been happy if I could sit there for 5 hours drinking 8 pints and just sustained the feeling after having 1.
So that's the thing with my drinking. I'm hurting so much inside that I just can't cope with any more bad or upsetting things. I don't crave alcohol, I just end up being so let down or unable to manage any more that I don't care about alcohol affecting my own health and so I turn to it for the buzz, the boost, to perk myself up.
I can't go on with any more pain. I've been to hell and back already. There's nothing anyone can do either unless it's move me into my own home. Nothing else changes my situation.
Certainly in future if I ever move, I'm likely to need some counselling or therapy regarding my mental health but in my current circumstances, it just wont do very much for me.
Just to finish, now there's "calm" after getting through the let down (with drink), I know I drink too much. Some 18 pints of beer a week is doing me no long term good at all. Yet as much as I know this and want to cut down or quit, I can't predict or control the future. The house move is so important and desperate, more than anyone can ever understand, and with potentially more disappointment and let downs incoming, I know all too well that it will be so unbearable that at that time, all thoughts of the damage alcohol does will go out the window and it will be another 8 pint session.
2 likes, 4 replies
barbara66703 sam22506
Edited
now from reading the first few sentences you have identified why you drink....
addressing the many issues of addiction is the first step in accepting professional treatment .
no one can do it alone. and you are NOT alone.
some can never accept or stop addiction for many mental health issues are complicated and started by AUD and many mental health issues are masked or complicated by using alcohol as a coping tool.
There is the pharmaceutical downing the amount of alcohol the brain demands . note brain scans of AUD Patients the only areas in the brain working are the pleasure centers .
AUD is as much a brain disease as taking a toll on the body.
you sound very bright and have a excellent understanding of how and what you have suffered and why. you can change how you suffer , manage your life as well and believe in yourself while developing a different outcome thru the tools and coping skills learned thru treatment. remember alcohol is a depressant and makes coping in difficult days harder .
sam22506 barbara66703
Edited
Many thanks for the comment, I really do appreciate it.
The thing here though is ultimately what came first, the alcohol or the health problems and really difficult times. If it was the alcohol then sure, more emphasis could be put on it being an addiction, but if it's health and other problems, then more emphasis is put on that.
In my case it was the health and other problems first. These needed to be resolved but ultimately weren't because medical professionals simply put, got it wrong.
One thing for certain is if someone is extremely suicidal, to such a point of truly wanting to end things, is this a problem because of alcohol or not being able to manage in life? At times like that I've turned to drink to feel some happiness and in many cases, it's actually been the reason I didn't go through with suicidal intent.
Life hasn't improved, life isn't any better and the reasons for that isn't alcohol. It's a complete lack of support from the services for my health problems, and things other's have put me through such as emotional abuse.
The repercussions of the emotional abuse was I was made homeless and I'm just sofa surfing at a friends house now. Crazy eh? Surely it should be the abuser out on the streets, not the person being abused.
The fact now is what is there in life? Next to nothing and it's not just me who thinks or says that. The other night was a suicidal night and 3 ambulance staff came out. They were here a good hour or so listening to what I said, and just like you said, they said I've got an excellent understanding. They thoroughly agreed with me and told me "Even the services anger us at times because we can see you need more support and so can your friend here, but unfortunately the funding has been cut so much that there isn't much available".
It was understood why I drink and what triggers happen and one of them, the woman even said "I completely understand and while I drink very rarely, I think it's fair to say if I'd gone through half of what you've been through, I'd probably turn to the bottle as well".
If I could do anything to improve my life, then I would but people don't generally get how painful it is.
One problem I did have previously was gambling. it was used through rough times just like drinking is now. I was in close contact with gambling recovery charities and they thoroughly agreed with me that my main issue wasn't gambling, it was a lack of support for health problems. They encouraged me to see my GP again (I did and was fobbed off) and told me as these underlying problems are the sole reason why I gamble, I wouldn't really benefit from their recovery program.
Ultimately when the gambling losses were having to great an impact on my finances and quality of life, the only way for me to stop was to block all gambling sites and limit access to my cash. Making it so I couldn't actually gamble at all.
Life has never really improved at all since then. It's just remained stable to some extent. Yet "stable" isn't good enough, because all it takes is one big incident, the straw that breaks the camels back and I'm back into an unbearable misery filled with suicidal thoughts.
Alcohol then comes into play because let's be honest here. If something has happened through no fault of my own but is entirely down to the actions of others (evil neighbours from hell making my life a living nightmare with abuse, elderly relative putting me through emotional abuse, an evil sod having their dangerous dog running off the lead which came and bit my hand and savaged my dog), it just puts me into that state where I firmly believe life isn't worth living any more. Incidents like that are just a reminder of how cruel life is and how badly I just want to be dead and be at peace.
The problem though is, often I'm too much of a coward to just end things. Yet when actually suffering that badly, alcohol does become a massive temptation. Why wouldn't it as even though alcohol is named as a "depressive", is it as black and white as that? I.e a group of lads might have a tough week at work and then go out drinking at the weekend. They aren't "depressed" as such when drinking, it allows them to forget their troubles, have a laugh and often have an incredibly enjoyable evening.
I'm incredibly resourceful, I've had to be with being a child and teenage carer for 2 family members with Parkinson's disease. To have spent much of my life isolated. I've had to push myself and keep trying to move forward. Unfortunately though, in this situation here, I'm completely powerless to improve things until a move happens, which sadly just keeps the temptation of alcohol going.
barbara66703 sam22506
Edited
I have must make a confession. I have lost my son to AUD. I have been a mom who gave my all for many years and maintained hope to a son who had alcohol use disorder and lost the battle. He could never stay sober very long. It's absolutely torture to watch a young promising life with so much hope for a future become lost in the constant struggles for sobriety and life for my son was hell. Its a horrible to watch, year after year a child that had his whole future ahead , so talented and so bright get lost in the alcohol abyss, over and over , in and out of hospitals, jails, close to death from alcohol poisoning many times , heart attacks and liver failure . Sometimes living in group homes and on the streets.
Alcohol takes a toll on physical and mental health. It mimics mental illness and caused him to become bipolar and worse. It was horrible to watch. It broke my heart, split my family apart and left a hole the size of a the Grand Canyon in my heart. How do you mourn the life of a child who's is lost in a life of alcohol abuse over and over. It's a horrible brain disease. In the end my beloved son died homeless in the streets. I loved him so much I would give my life for him to had found freedom from AUD. He never could and in the end he became so mentally and physically ill . I will not want to go into all the years and years of heart ache and pain he went thru some things so unspeakable, police beatings and worse. No one wants that life and no one ever deserves to live with the pain and torture he went thru . He was never sober long enough to be free of alcohol for very long. It's a horrible disease.
My heart goes out to you and perhaps all this falls on deaf ears and denial. I hope you find sobriety and remain sober to build a better life for your future. Because you deserve a bright successful future ... a better life before alcohol takes it all away. And it will if you dont learn what addiction is about and continue this road you have described .
Your bright and can get help if you choose and accept it get help and move on to a better life . Or you can choose to stay where you are, its your choice now until its so out of control and your every thought is about alcohol and you have lost the choice to drink it becomes a demand , the brain and body caught in a full on ....out of control addiction.
I hope some day you can find freedom from AUD before it takes you and everything you could ever enjoy in your life. You deserve a life full of happiness, love, along with a rewarding family of your own and all that you need to sustain you to build a family and find that place in your heart to be free of alcohol. That is a decision you can make now and have a life full of all the things you want to achieve in life, before another beautiful life is lost to Alcohol Use Disorder forever.
Lots of love and healing sent your way.
Robin2015 sam22506
Posted
Sorry i am late. Not certain how to help you since you seem so trapped and it not even your fault. Rgs Robin not much of a reply! I know!