Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas..

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Hello there.

Exactly a week ago from today I woke up in a swanky hotel room in Vegas about 1pm in the afternoon. The sun was squeezing through the crack in the curtain as searing pain was searing into my head. 

I felt like a pile of warmed up sh*t. I began the oh so familair and futile exercise of trying to peice together what happened the night before. 

Immediately I felt dread. Didn't want to look there. Feel sick. 

What happened? 

Lucklily for me, my husband was with me and unluckily for me, he filled me in on all the gory details. This included meeting people I can't remember..a very stressful drunken walk back to our hotel in heels and apparantly me getting very upset with him over something and hitting him. He has no idea what that was about as I was absolutely incoherant. He eventually succeeded in getting me back to the room where I obviously passed out. 

I am a successful, confident and attractive 48 year old woman. WTF was I doing???

I thought about it very hard all that day. Finally it came to me. I was doing what I've been doing since I was around 16. Drinking.

You know that thing...it's the thing that we grow up and look forward to doing. Our parents showed us the golden light of booze and it looked glorious. 

Anyway, I won't go on too much about that right now.

On the day in Vegas I could of had a drink to 'level me out', but I felt so bad that I just couldn't. That night I went back home to LA (it felt like the longest journey in the world as we were delayed after missing the morning flight due to my state) I went and ran a bath. Then I put on my dressing gown, sat down and cried for a while. My husband comforted me and right then I told him that enough was enough. I had an alcohol problem and I stopped drinking. 

I had a bad night physically and I got the sweats so much that I shook at certain points and hardly slept.

That was Day One. I'm on day 7 now. I have not touched a drop.

I've had support of a very loving (and relieved) husband who's done it with me. My best friend stopped drinking 2 years ago and she's messaging me all the time with love and support. I haven't been to an AA meeting yet, but I may well do. Not ruling it out, but not ready for labels and doctrines quite yet. If I f*ck up, I'll pull in more support, but for right now, this very minute, the sun is shining and my head is clear. My appetite has returned and I feel energised. 

I actually feel happy. I realize that I haven't felt like this in a long time. Since I had my baby 6 years ago. That's the last time I was really sober.

Very very early days, but let me tell you, there is a world of not actually that bad alcohol free beer and wine out there. Plus many other delicious drinks you can have which don't make you act like a complete tw*t.

Who knew.

Good luck to you all in this journey of freedom.

 

1 like, 14 replies

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14 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi take it one day at a time, wish u luck we have all been there done embarrassing things , at list u are doing something about, please update us of your progress.
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    • Posted

      went to a bar last night to meet some friends. Everyone was drinking beer and wine...some of them had one too many. After the initial knee jerk reaction of wanting to join them and getting alcohol fumes in my face for a couple of hours, I got over it. It made me uncomfortable at first , but nobody actually cared (or noticed) that I was drinking cranberry and soda and quite frankly, they were too p*ssed to care. They loudly and clumsily interrupted my conversations only to trail off without getting to the point.

      I saw myself. It was pretty powerful and actually empowering to me as I walked back to my car to drive home. 

      One more challenge under my belt. 

      One more day to tick off.

      One more success for me. Me 1: Evil booze 0  

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  • Posted

    You write very well.  I could feel the "hangover" you experienced by the way you so elequently wrote your story.

    I too have struggled with alcohol my whole life.  I had 2 months sober and drank again 2 nights ago. Felt like sh*t yesterday when I woke up and I'm pretty proud that I did not continue to drink the next day (yesterday).

    I understand the GOOD feelings from being sober...I was sober 8 years once.

    Maybe the "desire" has been lifted from you and you will suceed.

    I watched a show the other night...they put it like this....Do you want your 6 year old remembering that Mommy wanted to drink instead of pulling me in her lap to read a story?  Or do you want your 6 year old to remember a Mommy who did take the time to pull him/her in her lap to read a story?

    I wish you the best with this journey.

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    • Posted

      I'm intrigued by the fact you stopped for 8 years. To me that's unbelievable and a tiny bit disheartening. Do you feel you are right back where you were or is drinking different now? Sounds like you are able to have a night on and many off. I've never been able to be that disciplined since pregnancy and this current time.

      There is much talk of falling off the wagon..enough so that it almost tempts me to do it IYKWIM. But, like you said, I want my boy to enjoy me reading him a story without stinking of wine and slurring the words. I got quite good at strange voices and accents I could do to hide this. My favorite was an English Geordie accent. Somehow drunken speech favours it for me.

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    • Posted

      No..I'm tempting and risking my life EVERY time I drink.

      I understand how I can make it feel disheartening...Many people STAY sober....you can...you need to while your kids are young.

      My kids are SO messed up from my drinking...I'm at the point where I don't care about my life because of that....and that is why I don't care if I die from it (well I do)...but I keep thinking it helps me.  IT SO DOESN"T HELP ME.

      Please quit for your child NOW...so you dont end up like me.  ALONE...and the kids hate me...and have a bunch of stuff to throw in my face...like NO stories....I bought them out...bought them everything they wanted...but they weren't truly feeling any love from me as I was NUMB all the time.

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    • Posted

      Wow. You are so honest..makes me quite upset for you as I can hear the desperation in your words. How old are your kids? They sound like teenagers who might throw hurtful things at their parents..booze being the stick they (and you) beat you with.

      All is not lost. You clearly have compassion (to help me) and sadly a lot of regret.

      I think that the saying goes that today is the first day of the rest of your life. Guess we all need to make choices on what that life is going to look like and draw a line under the past booze fueled life.

      Your kids are not lost to you. They will come back to you when you come back to you.

      I will be with my boy next week and I can't wait. I will be armed with stories 😘

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    • Posted

      My kids are 25 and 30....(well 29 going to be 30 Jan 1).

      Listen to me...do whatever it takes to stay sober and PAY attention to your child.

      A drink is not really worth more than an hour...but since I can't put it down' after an hour and you apparently can't either.....before you damage all your relationships..do everything you can...to take care of yourself smile.

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    • Posted

      And don't do what I did.....well you can..but you will end up unhappy or dead....don't think...well that lady is OLD...I have years...

      The years fly by.  I will tell you, i was the most embarassing mother at all the games...yelling...thinking I was supporting my kids...I was embarassing them....I bought them whatever everyone else have...but I wasn't a "hugger" or someone who looked in their eyes and listened to how THIER day was.

      I was always about how stressful my working day was and how I just needed to have a BEER...and gave them baths...dinner...made sure homework was done...and then tucked them in....and then drank till I passed out.  I never thought I was impacting them.

      Now..I see it.

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    • Posted

      And I can't change it.....and you can...I don't feel guilty...well maybe a little...but I'm not sucidal over it..I just wish I was different....you can...I hope you can...smile
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    • Posted

      I will do my very best Missy1.

      Day 9 and still with it although Lord knows I wanted to last night. Watched Scandal on TV and fell asleep instead.

      The mind plays wicked tricks on you. Pretends to forget how bad you felt only a short time ago.

      I will hug and love that boy, as I always do, but now I will be 100% present. And I will think of you inspirational woman.

      Much love x

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    • Posted

      yea..it stinks your having cravings.  For me that usually means I'm going to drink again. sad.

      I will never forget the first time I looked .....really LOOKED in my sons eyes and saw HIM...for the first time when he was about 16...and I had stopped drinking....I was really listening to him.

      I had looked in his eyes before...but never with the presence...of being a MOM. 9 days! Congratulations...you have to be feeling good about yourself and good physically. smile

      Keep it up and if you fall....pick yourself back up for your boy.

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