Fear of going crazy

Hello!

I'm new to this forum. I'm posting a discussion as a way to explain and, in a sense, put my anxieties into greater perspective.

I've struggled with anxiety my entire life, it's something that runs in my family and has prevented me from doing a lot of things. The odd thing is I didn't recognize it was anxiety until only three years ago. About three years ago I was placed onto an anti-depressant after a family member passed away. While my family member passed away there was a lot of stress within my family and a lot of personal stress because I recently graduated from highschool and started college, and was also getting a better taste of "freedom." Anyways, while I was on this anti-depressant I started to have really intense anxiety. At this time, though, I was also smoking copious amounts of weed. The mixing of these two drugs lead me to experience panic attacks daily and to feel a sense of paranoia consistently. I was acting like a complete fool. With the death of my family member also came an existential dread that felt overbearing, I questioned life's purpose daily.

My anxiety issue eventually developed into 'derealization' which was a terrifying sensation that lasted for six months. Every day I would wake up, drifting through life, feeling detached. There did come a point where I did reach a crossroads, though, and I had to choose whether or not I wanted to continue this constant, harrowing feeling. I took myself off the anti-depressant (it's odd to say, but I was terrified to do this, I thought I would die if I stopped taking it) and quit smoking weed. I started to journal and took up meditation. During that time period I also had to drop out of college and quit my job, I essentially isolated myself. Yet, after several months without either, I eventually forced myself back into the rhythms of work and school. This was challenging to do, because anxiety was on my mind constantly still. But two years have gone by now, and I'm doing much better after that whole experience. I'm at a much more comfortable state of mind, but I struggle with anxiety daily.

Now what I struggle with a lot, today, is the fear of going crazy. This fear stems from the experience I eat through with the derealization, the paranoia, and the constant panic attacks. Why did I experience that stuff? I know that it is because of all of that which was going on in my life, but I genuinely thought that I was going crazy during that time. I still do wonder if I'm going to go crazy every day. Its odd. My biggest fear is hearing voices. Have I ever heard voices? No. Yet what if it does happen? What if I just wake up one day and find myself completely insane? What if I'm at work or at school and I just begin talking to myself? These are the type of thoughts that persist in my psyche daily.

I decided to post this discussion because I had a panic attack earlier today. When I had it, I focused in on the thought of hearing voices. I felt like there was nothing I could do, it was inevitable that it was going to happen. Then my heart started racing and I began shaking.

Sorry if this is so much writing. Anyways, what can I do for anxious fears that stem from my own thoughts? I guess I'm mainly fearful for my own mental health. I've quit smoking weed and cigarettes, I quit alcohol, caffeine, and begun working out and taking vitamins. What else can I do? How can I just accept that it is just a thought?

Thank you

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