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Fed up

Posted , 2 users are following.

annie_16257
annie_16257

I've always had OCD, but symptoms had been mild.

Recently I gave birth. As you might know, babies mean no sleep. So I was obsessed with sleep all the time. Three month ago I had an instructive thought about sleep: what if I wake myself up? I was totally freaked out by it. Since then, sleep time had  been like torture. During the day I was always worried about sleep. At night, sometimes I sleep, sometimes I'm awake from anxiety. I always told myself I can take sleeping pills for the rest of my life. But reading about the side effects of sleeping pills didn't help. It sounded sometimes I would be better off without sleep.

My husband does everything to help me. He earns money, changes diaper at night. I feel so useless and guilty since all I  have been doing is to enjoy what he gives me since we met. I wish I could start working soon and pay him back, sharing his burden, but I find myself crippled by my mental problem.

?Last night, I tried a OTC sleeping pill called Phenergan. My husband took care of the baby. Disappointedly, it didn't work at all. I feel kind of empty, like there is nothing to be done to cure my problem. As long as I exist, it will be there.I also hate the fact that I'm so strange. If it's a physical problem, like real insomnia, I could accept. But what the f**k, waking myself up because I want to sleep? Why do I get this brain? It's like being haunted forever . My husband is upset with me for last night, since he didn't sleep well with the baby waking up multiple times during the night, Phenergan didn't work, so it was a waste. More and more I feel he deserves better. More and more I feel this world is not attractive to me anymore. I feel if I'm gone, my dear husband can find a better woman and my son a better mother. I was never particularly passionate about living. I lived happily, because I had a happy life with my husband, but now I feel I'm becoming a burden for him, I start considering leaving, like killing myself. On top of that, I'm so tired of struggling with my sleep anxiety and OCD. I don't feel depressed, just rationally considering life is not worth living anymore.sad

1 like, 2 replies

2 Replies

  • Adldiane
    Adldiane annie_16257

    Posted

    Hi Annie. I wonder if you're not suffering from post partum syndrome. Women have it after giving birth I had it after giving birth to my first born child. I can't diagnose you I'm no doctor but many many many women suffer from it and it is very real and painful and treatable. Have you heard of this. I think you might ask your doctor about it. You are not messed up or weird. Diane

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