Fed up, just want my life to be over
Posted , 7 users are following.
I had enough now.
My perfect life is over ever since I moved in Sept last year. It has been one bad thing after another. I waited so long to finally live in my own house without any in-laws but who knew I would be so homesick and miserable. I cannot take it anymore. I celebrated my son's 10th birthday on Monday. I feel now that his birthday is over I can go ahead with ending my life. I hate this life I am living now. I feel as if I am living in hell and everyday I go through this nightmare and cannot believe I am living this nightmare day in and day out. I was happy, healthy and carrying on my normal routine in my old house when all of a sudden everything changed when my husband suggested we move. Now I am depressed, homesick and have tinnitus on top of all that due to my pregnancy which ended in a miscarriage when I was 4 months.
I know most of you will say it will get better and that I need to give it time etc. but its been 1 year now and I am still miserable. All I want is my old life back but that's never going to happen ever. I cannot go back and live with my in-laws as they turned the outbuilding we were living in into a gym / workshop and anyway my husband and son refuse to go back there as they say they are happy in the new place even though they didn't like it when we first moved and wanted to go back home in a weeks time. I stopped them and told them to give the new place a chance. Now they love it and I hate it. The tinnitus I have is not helping either. I am really not coping well with it. My family hate me also and my two sisters don't talk to me. My husband and I don't speak unless its regarding my son. My life is so miserable yet just last year my life was so good. I am on anti-depressents but it's not helping. What do I do as I don't want to end my life but how can I carry on just existing instead of living ?
1 like, 19 replies
Murray1967 shabs40533
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I totally hear u in that I also feel my life is over. Every day is hard and I know exactly how u feel. I have had depression for 5 years but last two have me living under a dark cloud that won't leave me. I feel like everything wrong happens to me.
Does this sound familiar as I too feel like ending my life every other day... But even though my three boys don't live with me they actually keep me alive as I don't want my death to be a death cent acne for them. Without them I want to die. Your son needs u and u have to fight like all hell through this. There are many of us who need to keep pushing on and beat this horrible life. Please don't give up. I'm here for u x
shabs40533 Murray1967
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Thanks for your response. I am a good person who has a good heart and go out of my way to help people in any way I can. I have always been this way but yet only bad things happen to me. I feel that life is just so unfair to me. It's like good things happen to bad people and vice versa.
From the time I was born I had endless problems with health, being unpopular and teased at in school, being in abusive relationships, living with in-laws that hated me and made me feel like an outsider instead of being part of the family. Just when I thought my life was finally beginning at 40 in my own home all hell breaks loose.
I am struggling everyday and I don't know how much longer I can take it. I am just existing and don't have any enthusiasm to do anything anymore. I know my son needs me but how can I fight when I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball and die peacefully.
This life is truly horrible. It's so unfair that some of us have to go through life being miserable while others go through life being so happy.
I feel so alone in this world like no one cares. If I die it won't make much of a difference to anyone.
I keep thinking that I must go through this nightmare until I am 80 or 90 years old if I live that long and knowing my luck I will live until a ripe old age just so that I can suffer. I don't think I can do that !
Thanks for listening, glad to know I am not the only one who feels like this.
Murray1967 shabs40533
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shabs40533 Murray1967
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julian33896 shabs40533
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shabs40533 julian33896
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Yes I have been for counselling and am on anti-depressents and anxiety meds for almost a month now. The only reason I am still alive right now is because of my son but I don't know for how long I can do this. My family and I have been through hell this year with all the bad that has been happening to us.
Yes I did survive one year but I was just existing and not living like I used to. I carry on day to day but I am dying inside and hate my miserable life. I don't even smile anymore, why smile when you feel like crap and you know that no matter what you do you your life is not going to change.
I wish I could believe you that things will get better. I am stuck and don't know how to move forward from here.
Thanks for your advice.
julian33896 shabs40533
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shabs40533 julian33896
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julian33896 shabs40533
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helen23957 shabs40533
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So sorry to read your message.
Probably everybody reading your message here, has felt like you at some stage, or maybe still do. We never think that anybody could possibly feel as bad as we do, do we?
I think it's important to keep reminding yourself, that you dont really want to die, you just want 'it' to stop. There is a big difference, and from your message it seems that you dont want to die, but you cant bear living either, and this is duly down to your present situation and predicament. The move and loss of your baby, would have had a profound impact on you. These two things are right up there, in the most stressful life events list.
I'm not a Doctor, but it is clear that you're very depressed, so your thinking patterns are warped and twisted. You cant think straight, or see a way through, but I promise you there is one. That's not just a saying I'm churning out, but I know from bitter experience, that you will look back on this awful chapter in your life and remember how god awful it was, but you will be in a happier more relaxed state and everything will seem clearer.
Nothing can stay the same, not even the things that we want to, so please just keep telling yourself that this period will pass. Depression lies to us. It tells you that everything is negative, nothing will ever change, you'll be like this for the rest of your life - BUT THAT'S ALL BS.
As I'm not there to give you a hug, I can suggest a good book to read by Matthew Haig, called Reasons to Live. He's been exactly where you are now, and is now doing just great. Have a look on amazon.
Please keep checking in to let us know how you're doing.
H X
stevo1975 shabs40533
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shabs40533 stevo1975
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Thanks for your advice. I did see a counsellor but she didn't help much. She just wasted my time and money. I am seeing a psychatrist who put me on meds but I still feel so down.
Tinnitus is the worst thing to have. This constant loud noise just literally drives me crazy. I try to ignore it like you also but it gets so loud sometimes that I really don't know what to do. I also got other issues on top of that as well with my house, husband, family and everything else. I am at my wits end and I feel stuck in a situation where I am helpless and don't know what to do. Life really sucks !!
I am surviving each day but God knows for how long. I wish I was strong but I am not. I am trying, I really am but I keep thinking what-if I hadn't done this and hadn't done that I would not be where I am right now. What makes me more depressed is knowing that there is nothing I can do to go back and change the decisions I made. Its too late now as the damage has already been done.
stevo1975 shabs40533
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The best thing to do is write out all the issues and start thinking of how you can improve or get advice independantly non-family these things are probably the cataklayst to your issues I personally belive the tinnitus can worsen when we are stressed although there is no medical evidence ? you need to make sure you are maintaining your own health before fixing the situations be kind to yourself you are stronger than you realise asking for advice is strenght doing nothing is not strong so you are already working to improve your life style. Keep planning but most of all make sure you look after your own health ! Things will improve!
Tancam shabs40533
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However, I hear so much confusion: You wanted to move, then it was not right. You let your husband decide where to move and supported the desicion.
I hear anger: You tried to make it work when others (our son mainly) was in doubt.
Now, you're sitting at a dilemma: You might think you're part to 'blame' for being in this place, for wanting to move in the firts place and then defending the desicion that actually doesn't seem as if it was entirely yours. Was it even a discussion between you and your spouse?
You've had a lot of upheaval and I guess a better way would have been dealing with one thing at the time.
Did you feel supported at the miscarrage? Did your husband seem to understant? Were you able to explain what was happening to your son?
I'm not going to tell you it will get better. Whatever pain there is - it will still be within us (at least that is my belief). What we can do though; is to handle it and live with it. Why should we?: Because the world is not just about pain. It is also about charing our experiences, being creative, standing up, being oneself, give and take and pass on what you've given.
I believe you pass something on when you write on this site.
I also believe that you have passed on a lot of knowledge that you don't even think of as significant.. but it is.
As for suicide: It is not (as I believe it personally) a cop-put of life - even though it might, to some, seem like a shallow cowardly way out.
I think everyone has the right to take their life but, I also believe it is a very selfish act.
Let's put it this way: If my best friend, who've got to know my horrible traits and behaviours (being depressed is one of them); - let's say she, after hours of listening to my demise, goes home only to get a phonecall in the morning: can you identify this body.
Yet again, - It is your choice.
I guess the trick is, not to act on impulse and have a think or two before you make that 'no-going-back-decision'.. because that is the reality of it if you go through with it.
There is no going back. You will leave a mess and it might be your son clearing it up.
FIND A WAY - You Can!
hypercat shabs40533
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You traded this 'perfection' for the house you own to give your son a better, warmer home with a lot more space. You feel massive guilt coz your parents moved out despite your offer to make space for them? Is that your fault? If so why? From what you have said your parents (and indeed your whole family) took advantage of you and your father didn't even pay the taxes did he and left you to pick up the bill?
Are you only happy when people put you down? It sounds like it. Like I said to you before who put you in charge of your parents lives? They managed to survive long before you can on the scene you know and they will carry on surviving too.
You are seeing everything in absolutes ie life before was perfect and life now is completly awful. There was good a bad in both ie shades of grey and that's what you have to understand and accept. Maybe you can't manage this with your depression so bad in which case you might need stronger meds or something.
Why are you so thin? Is it with worry and stress? Can you make a conscious effort to put on weight so you can be give a different ad? You need to take some control every if it's only a little bit. It's a start at least.
Sorry if I have seemed harsh Sabina but I don't know any other way to try and get through to you. You need to give yourself every reason and chance to live before you decide on the ultimate step. I think you have the strength - do you? Bev x
shabs40533 hypercat
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I know I said my life "was perfect" but it wasn't. I just lived in the 2 room basement cos I had nowhere else to live.
I know we bought the house from my sister in 2010 but my husband didn't want to live with my parents so we carried on living with his family until 2014 while my parents lived in our house. He said my parents must live there on their own and when they are no longer around we will move in.
He suggested last year that we move as our son was growing and we felt the basement was not big enough for us anymore. I know we tried to accomodate everyone - my family and my parents. I know they left and we didn't chase them. I know I am not responsible for them and that my dad didn't pay the taxes and left the bill for us to pay and he ran away to live with my other sister in another province. I know all this but why do I feel I should have done something more to make sure everyone was happy.
I feel I was being so selfish as I couldn't believe it when my husband suggested we move that I agreed to whatever he said. It's like I always wanted to move away from his family and now it was finally happening and that I did whatever it took to get out of there and by doing that I agreed with my husband to give them a bedroom with an en-suite and a kitchen only. If I thought properly maybe I wouldn't agree to this and would suggest to put up a granny cottage for them on the premises but NO I didn't do this. All my 3 other sisters said they would never do what I did and just "shove" my parents at the back of the house with only a limited space in which to live. My mum complained and told me she has sugar and pressure and that she feels claustrophobic in the section we gave them but I never told my husband I think maybe we should move back to live with his family. I was only thinking in my mind that I am finally free from living with his family so why should I go back there when all my life I waited to move out. Again that is me being selfish !!!
I am thin cos I don't have an appetite anymore and lost loads of weight. I don't have the will to live anymore. Everyone says karma is catching up with me as I had the developed tinnitu, had a miscarriage, my house was broken into and someone smashed my car window at work. This is all my punishment for the bad I have done.
You don't sound harsh and I know you are trying to get through to me and I appreciate that but please tell me how to carry on my life and be happy. Any advice would help, thanks.