Feel as if I'm two different people

Posted , 3 users are following.

Let me try and explain this or try and understand it myself. This evening I've registered for a 4 week fitness programme as I thought it would help me motivate myself to attend more classes than just two a week. also help me to loose the weight I'd put on while taking mirtazepine which I stopped under supervision almost a year ago. This is the positvie me. BUT also today while at work I was ready to walk out leave my watch, handbag which i carry my passport and letters in (so people know who I am or was), finance keys etc and walk across the road and step off the pier into the sea, the weather has changed drastically now it is very cold etc hopefully wouldn't take long to get hypothermia and die.

I've got home following an aqua class, it was ok went through the motions, chated to the fitness instructure joking etc, not eaten much today as can't be bothered, helped a work colleague who was having an occupational assessment today to consider retirement on ill health due to her having a stroke, she thanked me for my suggestions and support. While doing this I was thinking about suicide. Why can i seem to talk sensibly to people but not myself? it is as if I am two different people.

I'm trying to be positive but negative at the same time, i feel as if I need to be punished, self destruct because i am a bad person. tried talking about this during my therapy earlier in the year she was quite shocked and upset I think at some of the stuff i said and wrote that I think should be done to me looking back so am I but that is what I feel. I should be punished for who I am and has happened as i feel the only way is by hurting myself or destroying myself because I deserve it. 

Does this make some sense to anyone don't worry if it doesn;t i just needed to put this down to try and get it out of my head again!!!!

Life is a bit rubbish at the moment yet again.

2 likes, 6 replies

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi tina!

    Sometimes i get this feeling too. Somedays i do nice stuff for myself, like eating healthy, compliment myself in the mirror, etc etc. But I am CONSTANTLY trying to cheer up my friends, make good things for them. Some of them have bad anxiety and depression problems, and i have the constant thought that they deserve best. That they are great ppl and i need to do my best to make them happy.

    On the other hand, i dont make much effort trying to make me well. I mean, I take my meds and try to mantain a routine, but sometimes i feel like i dont deserve good things. A lot of times i've come to realize i sabotage myself in small(sometimes big) different ways. 

    But I've also realized that my friends do the same with themselves. While they try to make everything better for me, they feel like they dont deserve better things. I don't know if i'm making myself clear?

    But I think I understand what you're going through, and all i can say is that i think this is common for us, humans. 

    Sometimes we have to look from a different perspective. Try to talk to ppl closer to you, and try to see what they do for you, so you can see how you are worthy of good things.

    We are taught that we have to be harsh on ourselves because its the best way to get good things from us, but it is not true. Each ppl work differently. 

    So it is hard to realize that you dont have to constantly (or ever?) hurt yourself.

    I hope i could make myself clear, and I hope I could help you in any way. Stay strong, and you deserve happiness.

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  • Posted

    Im similar in that while doing mindless tasks or talking to someone i am thinking about stepping infront of that passing bus, will it kill me, will it hurt if it dosent. I find myself crossing roads mindlessly without looking and then feeling angry i made it to the other side. I wish i was just bedridden by an accident so i didnt have to talk to anyone. Dont think i have the guts to do something to myself but that does not stop these thoughts in my head 24 hours a day.
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    • Posted

      Well this makes me feel good in one way but bad in another. I wouldn't like to be bedridden as that would be a burden on the person who would have to care for me, not that i have anyone to do that, death is the right way for me trouble is you have to get it right. I;m sure it would hurt being hit by a bus or lorry yes i have thought of that too, but then it is not fair on the poor driver so i wouldn;t do that, have even thought of turning my car into the path of a lorry but not fair again.

      I;ve been to the weigh in for this fitness thing I'm now a big fat f..., I really hate myself even more. I've got an OHS phone call tomorrow as my work are talking about possible must improve etc due to my behaviour I thought I ahdn't been doing too bad but my manager is very concerned about me and my suicidal thoughts and supposedly flippant comments I've made which I can't recall. I know he has to cover himself amd make sure he is doing  all he can to help me i've told him not to feel responsible for me if I do anything it is me who is responsible as he keeps telling me I am repsonisble for my behaviour while in the work place. Not sure what i'm saying really I'm trying to stay in as I want to go out and take risks driving in the dark, rain, sleet. The other night I found myself driving towards a rock pile, crying and screaming and like in a trance had to do an emergency stop at the last minute. Went to Dr's yesterday too for advice before this OHS interview, He could sign me off again but feels it is better me being occupied at work. I will end up getting drunk tonight most probably then I won't go out driving and take drugs to make me sleep. 

      What a messed up message, bit like my head. I just want to smash myself up, I hate myself so much...can't see much point today. 

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  • Posted

    hey Tina, look i feel the same way about alot of what you said, and even though i feel this way i still feel very sorry for you and your situation.Though im the oppisite in that i really dont eat anything. Im only 16 and cant remember the last time i had an apetite. Food im given for school i usually throw out or give to someone else. No one really knows what im going through because i put on a happy face infront of friends and family, i havnt told anyone about this except on this site. Infact i think i find this site by looking up quick suicide methods. Kinda just looking for a way out atm. If i do go to a doctor i would probly tell him half truths and not everything i am feeling which will probly lead to a misdiognosis or none at all. 

    I was wondering when you first saw a doctor and how you delt with talking about your negative feelings.

    I dont know to much about your background or what is causing u to feel this way, but I really have no reason to be depressed and so it must be something in my head.

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    • Posted

      Hi Will

      I;ve had a long think about how to answer this as I am not that great at giving people advice or words. You are so young to have these thoughts, do you know the reason why these have been triggered. Why are you not eating properly has this been going in for a while. You should really talk to someone you trust, teacher, what about your parents or even a relative,

      You shouldn't have to face this alone.

      Yes I know about putting on the face I had done that for years, blocked taumatic events etc etc. It has all come back to bite me now.

      I have found it very hard to open up to people, dr's, psychiatrists, it has taken me a lot as I have hidden things for a very long time. When I first saw the doctor it was after the death of my husband to get medical certificate to be off work. i saw a bereavement councillor and got assistance from MacMillan nurse too. Things went down hill until I attempted to drown myself ended up involved with the police and got referred to the mental health team. I have had assessments, therapy and have learnt to tell the truth however painful, hurtful, embaressing it is otherwise you are only kidding yourself. 

      you should see your doctor, other people have suggested before to write things down so you don't forget things or just give them it to read to start off the conversation, how you feel, the thoughts you have been getting.

      you say you don't really have a reason to be depressed but if you are thinking of suicide, not eating properly there must be something bothering you. Your not being bullied at school?

      I hope this helps you even a little bit just please talk to your Dr.

      Regards Tina

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  • Posted

    Hey tina

    I realize i am quite young for these thoughts and im very confused as to why, i just find i have zero motivation to even do the smallest of tasks. I really dont have a good reason for all this, not being bullied just keep to myself and a small group of friends who i havnt really told about my depression, i think because everyone jokes about deprssion and suicide at school then its hard to bring it up seiously. My parents are nice, fairly supportive. No deaths of close relitives or friends I cant think of a good reason for this happening to me.

    I have very recently stated talking to my step Mum about how im feeling but havnt told her the extent of it i.e suicidal thoughts. I cant talk in person so i text her even when we r a rorm apart. The eating thing, I dont think its the most serious, ill eat dinner with my family but i seriously cant remember the last time i had breakfast. Im not losing weight, as far as i can tell, and apart from depression i dont have any major health problems. I have said to my step Mum i would like to talk to someone and she said shes working on it. 

    So im just waiting now i guess.

    (Sorry about any spelling/punctuation errors typing in a rush)

     

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