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Let me try and explain this or try and understand it myself. This evening I've registered for a 4 week fitness programme as I thought it would help me motivate myself to attend more classes than just two a week. also help me to loose the weight I'd put on while taking mirtazepine which I stopped under supervision almost a year ago. This is the positvie me. BUT also today while at work I was ready to walk out leave my watch, handbag which i carry my passport and letters in (so people know who I am or was), finance keys etc and walk across the road and step off the pier into the sea, the weather has changed drastically now it is very cold etc hopefully wouldn't take long to get hypothermia and die.
I've got home following an aqua class, it was ok went through the motions, chated to the fitness instructure joking etc, not eaten much today as can't be bothered, helped a work colleague who was having an occupational assessment today to consider retirement on ill health due to her having a stroke, she thanked me for my suggestions and support. While doing this I was thinking about suicide. Why can i seem to talk sensibly to people but not myself? it is as if I am two different people.
I'm trying to be positive but negative at the same time, i feel as if I need to be punished, self destruct because i am a bad person. tried talking about this during my therapy earlier in the year she was quite shocked and upset I think at some of the stuff i said and wrote that I think should be done to me looking back so am I but that is what I feel. I should be punished for who I am and has happened as i feel the only way is by hurting myself or destroying myself because I deserve it.
Does this make some sense to anyone don't worry if it doesn;t i just needed to put this down to try and get it out of my head again!!!!
Life is a bit rubbish at the moment yet again.
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