Feel constantly restless, getting flashbacks, mixed emotions, do not even know where to start.

Well Hi I am new on this site, and yeah I just need to get some things off my chest, honestly I have no idea where to start, the last 2 years have been more than difficult more so than all the previous years.

So on October 22nd my mother passed away, unexpectedly, she was diagnosed with severe heart failure about 5 years ago, I think it was, and honestly did not expect her to go so soon, she was 56, then 19th December I had to put my mothers/my dog to sleep.

On September 26th 2019 I had to do CPR on my next door neighbor who I had known my entire life, little did I think the next year, I would also be having to do CPR on my mother for half hour before paramedics arrived.

I get random flashbacks from the night my mother passed, and when they happen just a massive wave of dread follows the whole thing, dread, guilt, feeling like I failed both my mother, and my dog and my next door neighbor even though there was nothing that could be done.

I have always been self critical, I was a carer for my mother prior to this, and now I am a carer for my father who has MS, I have basically spent most of my adult life looking after both my mother and father due to their health issues.

I am struggling every day since those events, everyday feels like groundhog day, everyday tasks feel pointless, I still do them, I have to push myself, on one hand I no longer want to be here, on another, I got to keep going, even more now my dad depends on me more so since my mother has passed away.

What really plays on my mind mostly is the last images, I have of my mother before she passed away, telling her not to panic, telling her to try to relax, and holding her hand and telling her I am with her, some people would say they wish they had that opportunity.

But for the 2nd time, I have looked into a family members eyes, and seen death, and it feels like the whole world is standing on your chest, moments later my mother was slumped over, and my brother, and I had to start CPR for a little over half hour before help arrived.

They worked on her for another 50 mins, but I knew from having to do CPR on my next door neighbor as soon as we started it, she was going, and god it kills me, it really does, I cannot even find the words to express how i actually feel.

Add to the fact that I had to put the pooch down under 2 months after my mother passed away, that was just like, honestly why, just kill me now, kill me already because I am tired of seeing everything I love die.

Yes we all have to die sometime, but my mother was still young, the pooch was 13/14(she was a rescue so not sure of her age) but she was as much support for me when my mother passed as I was for her.

Even now writing this, it just feels heavy, physically, mentally I just honestly can't find the words to express how I feel in regard to my state of mind.

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