Feel Invisible, Unimportant and a Burden to My Husband

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In April of this year my depression was at its worse, I had never actually been diagnosed as being depressed. i was a great actress to others, as problems/ trials would happen, I tucked them away inside. but it began to affect alot of areas in my life. Within a 2year period I went through 5 tramatic life  changing events as well.  In April, I could not think clear and didnt have the support at home that I needed, and my husband didnt show interest in learning how to deal, cope and help with depression.  As I said my thinking was only negative, and with that combined with no interaction from my husband and not much from the rest of my family. What im about to share is not a story I am proud of. I attempted suicide by overdose. Per ambulance report, upon arrival I was 4 breathes per minute, then stopped breathing, cpr was done and I was in ICU on life support for 5hrs. When I woke up, I didnt remember what happened, I was in a cloud. I had to stay under Watch for 3days at the hospital and then was admitted to a mental behavior hospital for 6 days, with intense therapy. It helped me see that I wasn't alone and showed me some coping skills. I was asked to write down who I could depend on at home (positive influences), I wrote my husbands name thinking he would really try to understand and help me feel positive about myself. I have brought books for him to read, tried talking with him (he takes every word negative) , I even tried writing letters..Nothing has changed . I was diagnosed with reoccurent Major Depression with suicide attempt. My meds help me, as well as my therapist. I realized yesterday I had been depending on my husband to help me get better for 3months and I'm back to feeling invisible, unimportant etc.  So, I am hoping that I (just me) can slowly baby step to feel at least a little positive. I have to do something because now the depression is causing aches in my body.  I would like to eventually go back to work, even if p/t, then f/t again. I loved being independent and being able to pay my own house note. I know my husband carries alot of responsibility, and I tell him im thankful for him. But inside, i do feel resentment for him not even willing to understand Depression.  I'm just looking for suggestions from others on how to defeat depression by yourself ,along with therapy,  when your family  life is not a positive surrounding. 

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  • Posted

    First of all I just want to say thank you for still being with us and giving us the opportunity to read your story smile

    I've spoken on here for a while about the downside of taking medication and I think when it comes to major, inherent depression, there is a time and place for it.

    I will say this, however: Depression cannot be beaten; it can only merely be tamed. When it has been tamed, however, that is when you seize the opportunity to do more with your life, and only when you feel that confidence should you be able to do it with ease, with clarity and with focus. That is the time you become self-sufficient. Use that opportunity to invest your time in things you enjoy - hobbies, creativity, exercise, socialising.

    At this point in time, none of those 4 things are appealling. I know what depression does - I empathise - but over time, you will gain more confidence to stand up on your feet and know exactly what you are going to do in the morning when you wake up but most importantly, how you are going to go about doing it before you go to sleep.

    Therapy may help but it requires your input just as much as theirs, so it's important you find the right therapist that will listen to you, an it's doubley important that you convey to them what you feel the problem is. Doing this takes a lot of serious introspection, and patience.

    When it comes to therapy - it really depends on what you feel is a problem. If you deal with a lifetime of woe and don't have the opportunity to speak about it then maybe counselling is your first port of call. If it's something about the environment you're in now that makes you feel and behave a certain way, maybe CBT is an option. If you are dealing with a particularly traumatic event that just seems to linger at the forefront of your mind, possibly EMDR is an option.

    Whatever the case, I hope you find you find what you are looking for and whatever is missing in your life, I hope you find again.

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  • Posted

    Thank you boing333...for kind words and advice.  I'm new to this site,so I hope you get to see this message. First, you have no idea how much the words meant in the beginning of your reply. I dont even know you, and you have already said important words--that I needed to hear and never have, until you. . I will look into your advice.  I think my therapist is great, I feel comfortable with her, she listens and offers suggestions as she can. Sometimes it hard sessions because the depth of the session depends on how much you open up. But as my sessions continued I opened up big time. We decided I had been depressed for 20years, but hid my problems ,because I was the one that always volunteered to help others. So, in turn it helped me forget my problems, while making others feel better (great feeling when you help someone else) Again, thank You
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    • Posted

      Any time smile

      20 years is a long time to have suffered from depression (I'm at year 15 now and I'm 30, so half of my life) but something I think both of us can look at, just as anybody can if they read this and have suffered as long, if not longer, is that the fact there's still air in our lungs means we haven't given up and there's still an inner strength there. There are people who are fighters and people who aren't - you are the former rather than the latter, and I'd encourage you to keep fighting. There will come a time for peace and that's what you need to focus on. Just take care of yourself and if you need any more advice then please feel free to send a private message on here.

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  • Posted

    Oh my god I know exactly how you feel my partner only wants to hear things positive anything negative he ignores I know how lonely it is in fact I'm sat crying right now while he sleeps! He knew I was feeling bad before he went to sleep by the way! It's more lonely than being on your own when they are beside you I don't know why but it just is. So now I got Adele on my headphones and having a good cry, feeling very very alone! Life is sh*t and lonely x 
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  • Posted

    Hi Denise, I’ve had to reply using Word first, as twice I’ve tried to post a reply and  twice I’ve been knocked off now.

    Although you feel you are invisible, you are not and you are worthwhile strong and you should not be ashamed of how you ended up in hospital. 

    You came on here and told us what had happened to you.  That took guts, so remember that you are a strong, beautiful, unique and wonderful woman.  Maybe your husband no longer appreciates that or maybe he is just too scared and too proud to admit that he doesn’t know what to do, so perhaps he is burying his head in the sand hoping it will all go away.

    You need to boost your self-esteem right now, so that YOU realise that you deserve to be loved, appreciated and taken care of, as you’ve given to your family while you were well.

    If you have real friends, they can be worth their weight in gold, talk to them.  Find hobbies or interests that you can love.  Perhaps a Community Choir, art group, photography, anything that will make you feel part of something, instead of being totally on your own.

    If there is a Family Action group near you, phone them, as they should have courses that can help you recognise others behaviour (which generally says more about them than it does you) and how you can deal with it without losing your cool.  See if there are any other support groups or other organisations that may be able to offer help to you.

    Talk to your therapist about how you feel.  There are many different therapies out there so if the one you are on doesn’t work, there are others and some of them may be free.  You need to look for them.  There is the internet and yellow pages and also the library, community centres, doctors’ surgeries where you can look.  Boing mentions CBT and EMDR, both good therapies, but CBT helps you to change how you react to how your react to your thoughts and emotions, which can be beneficial and EMDR can help overcome negative beliefs, especially ones that have been held for a long time and have been reinforced throughout your life.

    Try not to let things get as bad as before.  The Samaritans are always there to help.  Talking really can help.

    Above all, and it is worth repeating, you are strong.  Depression, anxiety and panic attacks are NOT a sign of weakness.  They are signs of having remained strong for too long.  One in three of us will go though this at some point in our lives.  I have, so many people have, you are not alone.

    Please,  if you need to say how you feel on here, do it, we shouldn’t judge you, not unless we judge ourselves.

    Good luck with your journey, it is a journey, but I hope when you find yourself again, it will have had some fun and love along the way.

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  • Posted

    Dear Denise I really feel for you to have reached the point of no return and still be here to share the experience I to am a great actress and for too many years I have ignored the symptoms thinking I could deal with this myself in my own way, I to have the ability to solve everyone else's  problems well I don't but I think I can so I take on so many things so I don't have to think about my own thoughts eventually I had a breakdown and asked for help, I always thought my feeling were not worth worrying the doctor about, his time would be better spent dealing with people who were really ill. How silly was I this was just as bad as it could get at the time I couldn't cope physically or mentally my family didn't know anything about how bad I was feeling I'm lucky my husband was sympathetic but didn't know how to deal with me just kept saying I had to go to the doctors. He still is supportive but he has never suffered with depression so he really has no understanding but he's there if I want a shoulder to cry on and a hug when it's needed but when I'm feeling so low no one can help it really is up to us with the help of medication and therapy to find a way forward, I know you will get there eventually but the road is long and until we find this inner peace in ourselves we need to take baby steps, your not alone except this will not be a quick fix and when you get some good days cherish them.

    take care of yourself


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  • Posted

    Dearest Denise, Bless you, depression is a serious and real illness. I too am very happy that you are here with us!!! It sounds like you are doing all the right things to help deal with your depression. Thearpy, medicine as needed, recognizing there is a problem and how to deal with things...Everyone has had very wonderful and positive support to you on here smile The one issue I hear from your story that noone has mentioned is your home support...That stands out to me so much in your story....This is why....Here is a bit of my story and how I am relating to you in this way.... I suffer from Major Depressive disorder and PTSD from my childhood.... I am a mother of 4 children and have been married for 21 years... I have accomplished alot of things in my life but depression has ALWAYS been a struggle for me... As a woman in general we need validation...we get that when we accoplish goals or help a friend in need...it makes us feel important, worthy and loved. Things we deny ourselves on our own.....overtime we rely on that fix to help us feel better about ourselves inturn beating down the depression a little....a bandaid... You are stuggling to deal with this depression and you have NO SUPPORT at home... If you are like me its because your husband has never suffered from depression and has no idea on how to relate and simply doesnt try...I really think husbands do not realize the huge part they play in our lives and mental well being...with that said I know we have to learn to coap and uplift ourselves and can not rely on any other person to do that for us...But they are our life partners....best friends... a constant in our every day life......If the roles were reversed and You had to call the ambulance for your hubby and see him suffering thru the realization that he has a major depression disorder and has to learn how to live with it.....What would you do? EYERYTHING!! Igzactly... Your husband needs to Love  you enough to know he has to learn to deal with this too... His affection and affirmation and support can help in so many ways. His lack of all of that can be a tremenious TRIGGER to your depression and do more harm than good. I wish I had a magic word to say that changes how we feel and make the sun shine brighter and the day feel better...wouldn't that be wonderful smile I will say...don't give up..You are amazing and wonderful and a blessing... Believe in yourself. Try and find a way to talk to your husband about his important part he plays in your life and the battle you are fighting with depression. Maybe he would be willing to go meet your therapist and go to a session with you every once in awhile. I wish you the best smile
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  • Posted

    Hi denise

    firstly I am am a man and can only speak from a male point of view  

    i really respect your courage to post your story on a public forum and can only see that as a positive step forward in taking controll of your recovery

    i have been depressed before, I have been on meds before, and I have considered ending my life on more than a handful of occasions 

    I have never had the courage to take serious action to carry any of my suicidal thoughts and have a wonderful support network, however I feel sometimes I am a burden and waste of space.

    i agree with all the kind words that people have taken the time to say to you on this forum and would add that you have to look after you!

    my wife is a wonderful woman but when I'm feeling vulnerable and looking to her for support she will sometimes remind me that she's not there to entertain me and cannot solve my problems, that can be painful to hear, but is honest and forces me to look at what I can do for me to help

    one of the most useful things I have done for me is getting any sort of exercise, walking first, then leading to running, that was a wonderful feeling, being able to loose myself in exercise, walking was useful as my wife would walk with me sometimes and that would give us time to "share" 

    also just to add from a mans perspective we don't deal with emotions well, they confuse us, we sometimes don't understand how we feel, so trying to understand someone else's emotions especially your spouses when she is unhappy, is tricky, I often think I must be responsible when my wife is unhappy or cross, this can lead to misunderstanding and rows, I am reminded the world doesn't revolve around me and it isn't all about me often

    couples counselling might be useful if your man can pluck up the courage to go, it's not admitting there is a problem as much as going to get lessons to improve on a relationship that works already 

    the most important person is you! Don't forget that x

    i truly hope you find some peace in your heart and mind 

    peace and love to you Denise 

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