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Does anyone else feel a bit angry or frustrated that their mental health has changed their kind of projected course in life?
I know this post is going to make me sound like the most self indulgent, cocky person ever it's just really been bugging me recently.
I used to be smart. Like super smart. (There's the cockiness I was referring to). But I really was.
Like all my life from as soon as I started school, I was pushed hard academically by my schools, and a really high achiever.
I think some of this is the reason my depression hit me so hard in my teens, I was discovering my true personality and realised I wasn't actually interested in the whole academic thing. I wanted to work with people, I wanted to be a nurse or a social worker or a chef. But the whole time school/family would push and push and push at me to do academic work, at school, at college, at uni.
I was so unhappy for so many reasons, I just felt this conflict between wanting to please my family and teachers, and wanting to be true to myself. Then I guess I just lost myself...
I did everything I was supposed to, just half heartedly, my father's disappointment at my one and only B grade in my exams still haunts me..
He used to "tax" me money/privileges for any grade under an A. The shock of my maths tutor when I got 96% on an exam causing him to get it re-marked (I actually got 98%) but this still wasn't good enough.
Then my depression got too much, my dear uncle got a terminal illness, my beloved grandma died, my beautiful boyfriend got disabled, and I had to drop out of uni.
I've been working myself to exhaustion looking after people for years, it's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I get no praise. Not like I did when I was the straight A student.
It's all about what I "should" be doing, what I "could" have achieved, how I'm wasting my potential...
It makes me want to scream and cry and shout, but also it makes me want to hide, I feel ashamed.
I know logically I haven't done anything wrong, I prioritised my health and my family's health over a qualification. But why can't anybody understand I'm still working my ass off?
I'm not sat around enjoying a life of doing nothing. I'm a carer to my boyfriend, I spend every day doing his Physio, bathing him, preparing food, giving out meds, taking him to appointments... All the while I can't bring myself to shower. I can't bring myself to eat. I barely sleep. I'm having panic attacks constantly.
I just feel so unhappy, but I'm also angry.
I'm angry that what I do doesn't count for anything because I don't have the Oxbridge degree I was "supposed" to get. I'm angry that I can't see a way out or a future... I'm angry that none of this has been brought on because I've been reckless or made a bad decision, I've just had some bad luck.
I'm sick of being judged for being me, for not living up to unrealistic expectations and for prioritising my loved ones over some career.
At the same time I want a career. I want to excel in some field.
My head is so messed up.
I don't sleep, none of the meds work for me, I'm exhausted and I just want to press pause on my life.
I feel like I need a break even though I know it's impossible.
I'm sorry for the rant I'm just really feeling low tonight.
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