Feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure.

Hey,

I want you to know you are not alone. After reading what you said it was as if I was reading my life. The only differences is in 53. I have not been cutting myself buy have tried suicide. In not on medication. I can't handle the feeling of not being in control.

Everyday is a struggle. People don't understand how you feel. When I see successful people I feel like I have been robbed and its not fair. I see people on FB or other social media out with friends doing things and having a great time and im at home wishing it were me. What makes this worse in married and my wife does not even understand or get it. Instead she gets mad at me and tells me to be thankful for what I have. Seriously... That's your reply to me I say and it starts a huge fight then I feel worse. I don't have any answers. I just want you to know you are not alone. I know what you are going through. Keep trying. You have a long time ahead to change things. Good luck.

Hi

Ive came across this post a few times now as like yourself I search to find answers quite regularly.

I've suffered depression in my opinion as far back as I can remember. I can actually remember the moment I think I was about 10 that I thought to myself I'm really ugly and useless and if I were not here noone would care. I remember crying then and have been since. I'm now 35

My teenage years consisted of me mostly being in my room. I did have a few friends but could never be comfortable with them. I always felt they were much more happier and outgoing than I was. We used to get ready for nights out and I'd end up fighting or arguing with them just so I could go home. I would look at them and be so jealous of how good looking they were and how nice their clothes always looked on them and how they never seemed to battle with themselves as much as I did.

Eventually over the years they disappeared. I was hard work and totally understand why they moved on and stopped making the effort with me as i made very little effort to remain friends with them. I've never had friends since then.

I have had lots of jobs which I ruined through being depressed. I have never been able to hold down a full time job because I can't get through a whole week without wanting to go into lockdown.

The worse thing about it is I have 2 children. I feel guilty every single day that I was so selfish to bring them into this world and have me as their mum. I always want to die but I can't because I'm so worried that it would really effect them. I would never want them to feel so sh*tty about life. I really try my hardest for them but I don't kid myself and know they would be better off without me in their lives. I just can't take the risk that me killing myself will not trigger some type of depression in them.

So I have resigned myself to the fact that until I do die I have to live in this pain.

I've been taking anti depressants for 15 years. They have been changed a few times throughout to try and get one that suits.

I wait for these to stop my thoughts but it doesn't happen. They basically just get me through.

I've tried counseling a few times, however because I hate leaving the house I have quite often left these sessions after a few. I have became a hostage in my own home but at the same time the outside world scares me more.

I can't say to you that things will be ok. I'm always hearing that you need to dig deep to get out of this hell. I have no strength or want to dig deep. But you must. You need to remember that your life so far cannot be defined by the way you are feeling now. If you have no kids then you have the chance now to get yourself mentally well so the same thing won't be carried on in learnt behaviour.

Your in your 20s and have a lot to offer, I can tell this as you came on here and opened up enabling others to express their feelings. You have made people feel good in themselves that they were able to write what they needed.

You may feel that you are awkward, I can see that you are special and should maybe look into counseling as a way of not just helping yourself but others.

I hope your well. And I wish you the best. I hope my struggle can help you see that your life can be different.

C

Yet I love

I am mad

Still I forgive

I am meningless

But I find mening everyday

I am hollow

And I Will not give in

I Just wanna cry

I do sometimes

But also smile

For there is so mutch beauty in it all

In the end you Will be No one

So cheer up we are really nothing.

I'm sorry your so sad

Hey you are better than me. I have all the problems/bad feelings that you have and I don't have a job. 

Okay so, I am 22 years old, I only finished grade 9, dropped out of school at 16. I had severe anxiety issues and just couldn't cope with all the children at school, since they were bullying me. I am gay, I am probably the most socially awkward person ever, whenever someone gets near me I have a panic attack and start shaking. I am extremely scared of people.. It kills me to not being able to talk to anyone when I crave human interaction, acceptance and love like everyone else does. I also suffer from depression, I have no friends, my family is abusive and doesn't care much for me. No-one has ever understpod me or cared enough to try. I've always been a problem child. I used to cause a lot of trouble at school when I was younger, I even used to bully other kids. As I got older I completely changed from bullying to being bullied, some might believe maybe it's Karma's way of setting things right and maybe it is. I had a lot of friends before high school. I was a loud, obnoxious kid who got spoiled and got away with everything. Now I have nothing, I've been at home for the past 7 years. I never go out, my mom hasn't bought me any clothes in 3 years, I can feel how much I annoy them when they still feed me and I do nothing for them in return. I desperately yearn for a job and not having to feel anxious about it and all the people I'll be working with. I am also extremely emotional lately and cry a lot, whenever I hear a beautiful song or even watch a mpvie. A lot of things move me.. I have a dog. Who has helped me cope with life for the past two years, I also feel like I can't do anything because I need to be with my dog 24/7. I feel anxious when leaving him. I have never had a job.. I feel so worthless and hopeless. I am also overweight, have bad teeth because I got braces just before leaving school and only took them off a while ago. I never went back for my appointments. Too scared of judgement. I feel so ugly, empty, broken, lost, confused, bitter, angry, disconnected, scared, sad, afraid, terrified, deprived, I mostly just feel like giving up, you know? There's really no point for me to keep trying other than my dog. I honestly don't know any more. Noone even does any effort to try and help me, maybe because they have given up, too. I drank a lot of tablets earlier while Googling for painless ways to kill yourself, went to my parents afterwards and told them about it. They didn't care. I felt sick and dizzy for a few minutes.. Stumbled upon this thread. Started reading the replies and I was moved and I could relate. For some reason it inspired me to write this. I am bawling my eyes out while typing this because it makes me so sad to think I already care about all of you and can sense some sort of worth and humanity and I want you all to get better, but I cannot for the life of me feel any remorse or compassion for or/towards myself.