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Feel like giving up

Posted , 7 users are following.

lisa95164
lisa95164

Hi

I've felt very low for a while now. I have depression ptsd and bpd.

I have no friends. I have had to give up work recently. I feel like im failing at life.

Im stuck in this self loathing cycle with no motivation. I try to put on a face for family buf its exausting.

I think most people find me pathetic. Im just one of those that people cant be bothered with.

I think about suicide daily. I attempted suicide last summer. I wish i had the courage to just do it. Mg daughter is the only thing stopping me.

Others say to me things like, you just have to get on with it, stop feeling sorry for yourself etc. Easier said.

Im not sure why I'm posting, because i guess really it's not going to change anything. I guess it just feels slightly better to write it down

Thanks for reading.

L x

1 like, 14 replies

14 Replies

  • joanne58498
    joanne58498 lisa95164

    Posted

    Hi. Im so sorry you feel so low. Firstly ignore the get over It and pull yourself together talk. Depression along with all types of mental.illness is misunderstood by so many. Are you 5akijg any medication?? Have you seen your Dr?? You have clearly suffered enough for a long time and need some help. Like you said you have a daughter to keep you fighting. You are not alone. We are all very understanding and non judgemental...after all we all know what you are going through and understand how desperate it can get. Please reach out to some professional and get some help to get better. Take care and stay in touch. X
    • lisa95164
      lisa95164 joanne58498

      Posted

      Hi joanne thanks for replying.

      I have suffered with depression for many years but it for worse after the birth of my daughter a few years ago. Im on venlefaxine 225mg have been on them for about 6 years. I'm not sure they are helping but I'm scared to change them as the symptoms i get when i just miss a dose are scary

      Im seeing psychiatrist and waiting for councelling.

      Im not sure the mental health professionals know what to do with me anymore.

      L x

    • joanne58498
      joanne58498 lisa95164

      Posted

      Hi. I hope the counselling helps. Depression is awful. I have suffered with depression panic and anxiety and it's far worse than any physical thing I have gone through. People who have never had it do not understand how desperate it makes you feel. I have never felt suicidal but during my darkest times I could see why people feel that way. You would give anything to make it stop and go away. I would never judge anyone for feeling that way. It will get better. Maybe it is time to change your meds....I have never heard of the one that you are on. See your gp to discuss meds or will your psychiatrist be able to prescribe meds??? I really feel for you now. I will always be here if you need to talk even if it's just about general stuff to help you get through the day. There is light at the end if the tunnel. Belive in yourself that you can get better and stay strong. Jo x

  • maree72039
    maree72039 lisa95164

    Posted

    DEAR Lisa, I’m so sorry to read in your post that you feel like you’re failing at life.   You say you have PTSD and BPD... have these been diagnosed by a professional?  If so are you still receiving care?   You sound so alone... you must see someone ASAP....  your life has meaning... your daughter needs you....  you can do it.  Please keep us posted .... things can turn around with the right treatment,  meds etc.  
    • lisa95164
      lisa95164 maree72039

      Posted

      Hi Maree thanks for taking the time to reply.

      I have bern disgnosed with major depressive disorder, and ptsd a few years ago by my go and psychiatrist.

      I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder around 5 months ago so I'm still getting used to that one.

      The ptsd is as result of trauma and past abuse.

      To complicate things even more i developed an opiod habit about 6 years ago to try and self medicate my depression. I am in treatment for it snd take buprenorphine.

      I feel very stuck.... That's the only way i can really describe the way i feel.

      I feel like i dont really want to end my life but i don't honestly know how long ican keep going like this.

      With my personality disorder i often take risks, like ods self harm. Don't pay my rent.. All self destructive behaviours. I struggle making friends

      And i am always thinking that people hate me. I feel pathetic. I want to give myself a shake and say come on get on with this.. Instead i fall deeper into a darkness and seem to sink deeper everytime.

      L x

  • yasmine333
    yasmine333 lisa95164

    Posted

    Hi Lisa,

    Sorry to hear what you're going through but please know that you're not alone. I have no friends but my family keep me going. You have a wonderful reason keep going. Use the love you have for your daughter to continue fighting, she is worth it & so are you.

    People that say things like that don't understand the severity of depression & how much it affects every single aspect of your life. 

    Have you spoken with your GP or are you on any meds? 

    I understand how hard it is to keep pretending, it drains you physically, emotionally & mentally. You just need some help to get you back on track. Now you're not working use that time to focus on you & look after your mental health. Everything else can wait.

    Always here to listen x

     

    • lisa95164
      lisa95164 yasmine333

      Posted

      Hi yasmine

      Thanks for replying

      It's nice just to be able to chat with people who understsnd and have gone through similar

      Im just sure what ro do...as i always come across quite leveled when chatting with professionals and im able to articulate what is happening so i don't think i get across to them, just how low i feel most days.

      Thanks again for reading.

      L x

    • yasmine333
      yasmine333 lisa95164

      Posted

      You're very welcome.

      I had the same problem I come across as fine & well but that's because I've learned to vocalise my feelings well. Being articulate shouldn't deter anyone from helping you - their job is to listen & provide support so be 100% honest even if it sounds bad or crazy to say out loud.

      Keep us updated x

  • Solemn
    Solemn lisa95164

    Posted

    Lisa I wrote something exactly the same as you when I came into this forum, someone said 'suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem'. Also forget about what other people think and I know putting on a facade is not easy, some of us have it hard in life but don't let what other people say bring you down, the only time they can say you're over exasurating is when they've expierienced the sorrow some of us go through daily. I'm happy that your daughter is the glimmer of hope that stopped you from committing suicide, because not all of us are as lucky to have an angel keeping us from doing things that we would regret.

    Feel free to say what you want here without being judged!

    ~Astro~

    • joanne58498
      joanne58498 Solemn

      Posted

      Great comment. 100% no judgement. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel unless they have walked in your shoes. Also you do not have to justify yourself or how you feel to anyone. Everyone is fighting some Kind of battle. Recipe the best way we can at the time.
  • CodenameX
    CodenameX lisa95164

    Posted

    I'm there with you.  I can't even look myself in a mirror.  Having your daughter as an anchor to hold onto is good though.  I have rabbits, they're my bedrock.  You're not alone.  I know it feels that way, hell I feel that way.  But the fact you reached out and got an answer from the internet void shows we are many.  Most people don't understand that you cannot simply pick yourself up and move on or be happy so we end up playing a part or wearing a daily mask.  Mine is making people laugh with very self deprecating humour, at least it keeps the normals happy.  When you say BPD do you mean Bi polar or borderline, most my family have Bi polar but I have Borderline. Both are a horrible struggle but I'd be interested to know if its Borderline. Don't meet many people with it.  Feel better, hug your daughter and send a shout if you'd like to chat about things. Don't try and do it alone, you don't have to x

    • lisa95164
      lisa95164 CodenameX

      Posted

      Hi there codename

      Thanks for your reply.

      I was diagnosed just last year with borderline personality disorder. There's such stigma i think still attached to it.

      I also have a rabbit, a black lionhead named Holly. We had2 rabbits... an albino bouncy wee lionhead calked ollie but he died xmas eve. My dsughter loves the rabbit as i do xx

  • CodenameX
    CodenameX lisa95164

    Posted

    So sorry about the bunny sad I have a Dutch blue that literally sleeps in bed with me, and a very strange dwarf albino.  I completely agree about the stigma, we're too sensitive, we get too dependent, we lie to make others to feel pity for us.  These are things you can read on most sites about borderline. Yeah I'm very sensitive, I assume you are to? Why is that a bad thing? Do I get to dependent?... yes. I've purposefully isolated myself for going on 7 years because I'm terrified of depending on anybody ever again. Do I lie? I don't think its a case of lying for pity but sometimes i genuinely think the entire cosmos is against me, it feels real to me. I think what I'm trying to say in my silly ramble is that once again, you're not alone in feeling this low.  To me that's important. When one wears so many fake smiles and learns how to fake it, it makes it worse because you seem to lose all identity.  So you end up at the bottom, with nobody to help and you don't know how to pull yourself out since you don't know who you're supposed to be. Once again I'm rambling!  If I helped even a tiny bit though, it makes me smile xx

    • katehippy
      katehippy CodenameX

      Posted

      HI there. You've just described that feeling of " S**t I think I've appeared too well again!" so well. We DO put on a front, need help, get help and then leave thinking that actually we should've come clean about the desperation and darkness. Done it so many times.... This forum is a Godsend. You know you're not on your own or a useless person for suffering in silence. 

      I just wondered if you could talk to any of your daughter's mothers/ dads? If that's the only other social contact you have, I mean. Other people need an outlet too - maybe someone you never expected needs to let off some steam? There are many faults connected to depression, but empathy isn't one of them xx All the best angel

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