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Feel like I'm in a dark place

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jack57270
jack57270

Hello, I've posted here a few times in the past, and I've gotten great help from people.

Since my Dad passed away ( nearly a year ago) I've had good days and bad days. But more bad than good. I never talk about how I feel, because any time I try to open my mouth, the person just says I'll be fine and to stop moaning. I want to cry, but I can't. My body just won't let me. I cannot remember the last time I was happy. I have no self confidence, when I look at myself, I think I'm a failure and I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I have no intrest in doing anything whatsoever. I want to go back to the gym, I want to loose weight, but I'm so tired all the time, I come home from school and can't get up off the couch for the rest of the evening.

I have been to a few counselling sessions, when I opened up about having suicidal thoughts, but I hated every minute of it and lied and said I fee better just to not have to go back. I still have them, and they are worse at night. I'm extremely irritatable, the smallest thing sets me off. This has been affecting my school work, and social life. I make up excuses so I don't need to go out with friends.

To make matters worse, my mother is getting an extension built onto the house. I know this is a good thing, but I don't want anything to change. I have to move out of the house for a minimum of 5 weeks while the work is being done ( maximum 8 months). I don't want to say anything because she's looking forward to it.

I'm sick of putting on this mask all day everyday. I'm too afraid to say anything. I feel like I'm a nuisance because people give out to me when I snap at them, or get cheeky. But they don't understand that I wake up every morning and struggle to find a reason to get out of bed. And I struggle every night to find a reason why waking up the next morning is a good thing. I've never acted on my suicidal thoughts, but I have thought IF I was going to kill myself, how would I do it.

I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to tell someone who will overreact and bring me into hospital either. I don't want to end up getting pumped full of drugs.

The last few days have been the worst. I have had this knot in my stomach, like I was about to go in for an exam, or play an important game. And it never went away. I just feel numb, no emotions. If o don show emotion, it's just to try seem normal to other people. I know I need to show my emotions, but I can't.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it's how I feel right now. I hope someone can understand it. Replies are much appreciated.

Jack.

0 likes, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • ll12333
    ll12333 jack57270

    Posted

    Hey, you pretty much reminding me of my self.

    I'm young im going through a lot in my life, because im young and the people around me are also young i feel like they dont really get what i feel, and that im the only one feeling this way, like they will never get me!

    So i always try to look funny and happy then i go home and i take off all of my masks and go back into my anxiety mode.

    Trust me, it will be better!

    This is life, we all experience bad things and some of us experience really bad things lets say like me and you smile.

    Look at it this way, you are facing a really bad time in your life and maybe theres people who dont, but you are not the only one who has those feeling.

    And all of this will make you stronger because facing anxiety and depression is not easy, it makes you a worrior!

    Just try to look at things positively everything will be better i promise you! PM me if you want to talk about this because im having something simiular.

  • maddie6389
    maddie6389 jack57270

    Posted

    Jack, first things first you’re not alone. I know I’m not going to be much help because I feel like I’m going through the same thing, to the point I pretty much typed into google what I’m going through and your message popped up first and it’s the nail on the head for how I’m feeling. I know you posted over a year ago so I don’t expect a reply but have you managed to find a way out of this dark place? I have been cancelling on all my friends too, everywhere I go my stomach turns and all I can think about it how I need to go home. I mainly leave the house at night for fresh air as not so many people are around. I’ve dropped out of everything, I even went back to finish the course in  September to then drop out again because I felt so low and my stomach wouldn’t stop turning on me. I went from being one of the top students to not even being able to turn up. I use to be so out going I still put a brave face on whenever family or friends come over but deep down I’m crying on the inside but I feel too numb even to show it. I’m currently in the most toxic relationship and I know that people ask me why I’m in it but for some reason I can’t walk away even if I do end it. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy it’s a strange feeling, I just feel so so down and can’t think of any positive reason to start working again or go back to studying. I struggle to even leave the house without having a meltdown and it’s silly because I don’t even know what I’m worried about sometimes. Don’t get me wrong I’ve thrown myself into situations because I wanted to fight this feeling but the tears then come out uncontrollably and I get so dizzy and tend to even forget most of the things that are going on around me. I tried doing exercise too as I want to but I’ve been told I might have IBS (they’re unsure yet) and any exercise I do seems to really make my stomach hurt.  I just want this feeling to go away sad. I really hope it has for you. 
    • jack57270
      jack57270 maddie6389

      Posted

      Hi Maddie...I’ve no idea how I stumbled across this post...I forgot I even posted it!! For a while, I thought things started to improve..I started long to therapy, but still didn’t open up about how I felt, because it makes me feel vulnerable. Like before, I lied about how I felt and stopped going. The last 6-8 months have probably been the the worst. I haven’t been sleeping, which has me exhausted. I’m constantly tired..and I’ve stopped going to the gym. The most I do now is walk my dog ( but I guess it’s  better than nothing). I went to my doctor about it, and she told me it’s stress...and put me on pills. I took them once, and I wasn’t like a zombie the next day, so haven’t taken them since. 

      I don’t really feel any emotion...I just feel numb. I want to tell people, but every time I try, I just chicken out. My grades are also starting to slip...I just don’t have an interest in studying any more. I struggle to do homework, and whenever I do get it done, it’s terrible, and my teachers give out about it.

      Sorry to hear you’re in a toxic relationship...I’ve never been in any sort of relationship, so I’m not the best to give advice...I wish I could, but I don’t know what to say lol!

      I have had good days...it hasn’t been a long dull road...it’s more like a rollercoaster. When ever I’m in a really dark place...I remember the good days, and that’s what makes life worth it.

      I hope this helped you, I’m not great at giving advice, but I try my best!

      Thank you for the reply,

      Jack 😀

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