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Hi, This is the first time I have ever posted to a forum like this as I really try to hide my symptoms and feelings from everyone including family and wife. I have had some sort of anxiety, social anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression since I was probably 16-17. I finally got it somewhat under control for probably 17 or so years. I am now 39 years old. I decided about 6 months ago to stop my Effexor (75mgs) cold turkey. I felt ok for a while except for some of the early withdrawal symptoms. I felt I could go the therapy route and try without meds. Then a couple months later I started feeling a little panicky and depressed. It has been a downhill spiral ever since. It has been months of therapy and I even tried going back on Effexor but was getting weird side effects and insomnia. Then my GP put me on Mirtazapine and I tried to stick it out for 5 weeks but the side effects were horrible so now I am trying Lexapro and have been on it for 5 weeks. I am now seeing a psychiatrist to manage my meds. I am at a point where this really effecting my family, job, social and overall well-being. I have no appetite and am losing weight. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything and pretty much just ruminate about how bad I feel all day. I can't seem to stop the negative chatter. I am constantly analyzing every single thought or thing I do to try to figure out why i feel so crappy. I should mention that with my job I drive a ton and have little interaction with others. So I am constantly alone with my thoughts and feel this has added to it.
Simple things I used to enjoy just provide little joy anymore as I am constantly consumed with my symptoms. I have pretty much become withdrawn as I am constantly anxious and feel people are going to realize it. I am even panicky around my family which never happened before. I am finding harder and harder to leave the house. I am having just horrible negative dark thoughts. Think I may have developed some OCD. I keep telling myself I must be going crazy. I keep looking at my past to try to find reasons or validate that maybe I am crazy. I am the type of person who researches every symptom or thought I have and I know that makes it worse but i am searching for a reason or fix I am feeling/thinking this way. I am really scared that maybe I am Schizophrenic as all of the negative symptoms of it, I seem to have. I also sometimes have what I know is an irrational thought that my wife might try to poison me to get rid of me because I can be difficult to live with at times. I am not sure if I am having that thought because my self esteem is really low or because about 5-6 months ago we had an argument and I smoked some pot and became really paranoid that she wanted me gone. She also watches Dateline and 20/20 nonstop which seems to only be about these things. Those thoughts really do freak me out because I know she would never do anything like that. Sorry for the rambling on but I thought it may be helpful to share.
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