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Feel like I'm losing my mind!!!

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anxession
anxession

Hi, This is the first time I have ever posted to a forum like this as I really try to hide my symptoms and feelings from everyone including family and wife. I have had some sort of anxiety, social anxiety, panic, agoraphobia and depression since I was probably 16-17. I finally got it somewhat under control for probably 17 or so years. I am now 39 years old. I decided about 6 months ago to stop my Effexor (75mgs) cold turkey. I felt ok for a while except for some of the early withdrawal symptoms. I felt I could go the therapy route and try without meds. Then a couple months later I started feeling a little panicky and depressed. It has been a downhill spiral ever since. It has been months of therapy and I even tried going back on Effexor but was getting weird side effects and insomnia. Then my GP put me on Mirtazapine and I tried to stick it out for 5 weeks but the side effects were horrible so now I am trying Lexapro and have been on it for 5 weeks.  I am now seeing a psychiatrist to manage my meds.  I am at a point where this really effecting my family, job, social and overall well-being. I have no appetite and am losing weight. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything and pretty much just ruminate about how bad I feel all day. I can't seem to stop the negative chatter.  I am constantly analyzing every single thought or thing I do to try to figure out why i feel so crappy.  I should mention that with my job I drive a ton and have little interaction with others.  So I am constantly alone with my thoughts and feel this has added to it.

 Simple things I used to enjoy just provide little joy anymore as I am constantly consumed with my symptoms. I have pretty much become withdrawn as I am constantly anxious and feel people are going to realize it. I am even panicky around my family which never happened before. I am finding harder and harder to leave the house.  I am having just horrible negative dark thoughts. Think I may have developed some OCD. I keep telling myself I must be going crazy. I keep looking at my past to try to find reasons or validate that maybe I am crazy. I am the type of person who researches every symptom or thought I have and I know that makes it worse but i am searching for a reason or fix I am feeling/thinking this way. I am really scared that maybe I am Schizophrenic as all of the negative symptoms of it, I seem to have. I also sometimes have what I know is an irrational thought that my wife might try to poison me to get rid of me because I can be difficult to live with at times. I am not sure if I am having that thought because my self esteem is really low or because about 5-6 months ago we had an argument and I smoked some pot and became really paranoid that she wanted me gone. She also watches Dateline and 20/20 nonstop which seems to only be about these things. Those thoughts really do freak me out because I know she would never do anything like that. Sorry for the rambling on but I thought it may be helpful to share.

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1 like, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • rhian61976
    rhian61976 anxession

    Posted

    Hi anxssesion I feel pretty much like this all the time,I cut down on my meds a couple of months ago I was fine,but seem to be getting worse had a terrible day today convinced I'm going crazy,but keep telling myself I'm not as I've been here so many times before,but like your self I keep analysing my every thought, it is tough when you try to hide how your feeling I'm sure it makes it worse and it does seem to feel worse when you're on your own,any way I hope you feel better soon I am going to up my meds again then go and see a therapist and maybe change my meds as I cut down because of the side affects xx
    • anxession
      anxession rhian61976

      Posted

      Thanks so much for your reply!  I'm sorry you're feeling bad currently.  It really sucks feeling this way.  Hopefully the meds will help with little side effects.  Yeah I wish I could open up to more people about it but I am not the type that opens up about much as I like to seem in control and don't want to burden people with my issues.  It's taken months to open up to my psychologist and I still hold things back from her.  My doc has suggested a strict CBT program offered at a big university here.  I am going to give that a try but it takes a while to get in.  

      I wish you all the best.

  • patty818
    patty818 anxession

    Posted

    HI Anxession

    I'm sorry your having such a bad time.  Anxiety is awful, it messes with our minds and bodies so badly sometimes we just can't figure it out.  I know with me since my health anxiety kicked back it, its been pretty bad.  The only med i take now is xanax when I have to.  I have bad dizziness and have for almost a year now and thats when things went crazy again.  Also believe all the deaths I went thru in the past 1.5 yrs caused most of this.  But I like you, ruminate about every little detail of my symptoms and thoughts.  If I feel one small sensation of dizziness, I'll go over the cliff with worry,  I am a big worrier and so is my mom.  

    If I may, I know when I was keeping all this to myself it was much harder.  I finally told my husband and kids what was going on and how it was effecting me, of course they could see it, they just didn't know what was causing all my craziness. But once I opened up to them and my extended family, it really helped.  It ables you to talk to someone when the symptoms or thoughts are bothering you and your not trying to deal with it alone and with all the other things in your life going on, like work, home, kids.  I know my husband still has a bit of a hard time with some things, like when I have a panic attack, but he's getting a better understanding of things.  

    I know about irrational thoughts, had them, but new they were wrong and had to push them back.  I've started again with therapy and am hopeful it will help.  I don't want to go on meds, tried them and no luck, bad effects.  I also have read a good book about worry, its called, THe Worry Trick,  explains how the mind is working.  Maybe if you feel you can talk to your family and then see about therapy, that may help.  

    I sure hope you find some help, no one deserves to live like this.

    Best

    Patty

    • anxession
      anxession patty818

      Posted

      Patty,

      Thank you for your reply.  I suffer too from horrible health anxiety and have so since I was a teen.  Its horrible.  It has now morphed into me totally consumed with my mental well being mixed on top of all of the health worry.  I've also had a ton of the derealization and short term memory loss.  I'm not sure how all of this started again other than I came of off Effexor cold turkey and then there were some stressful events that happened in my life.  I just feel like a whole different person lately.

      I feel bad because I have a great wife and two daughters that I have always been there for and supported.  Now I feel like I am barely keeping it together and can't focus on anything but my own well being.  My wife knows something is wrong but just not to the extent of my suffering.  A big part of it is that I feel ashamed and embarrassed of the way I feel.  I have been seeing a therapist for 6 months now but it doesn't really seem to be doing the trick.  

      I'm not a big fan of the meds as I feel they sometimes make things worse and I hate the numb feeling I get with them and that's why I decided to stop.  But they have definitely worked for me in the past and I am hopeful they will offer some relief now.  

      Good luck with your therapy and thanks for the book recommendation.

       

    • patty818
      patty818 anxession

      Posted

      I hope reading the book will help some, I know for just knowing how things work can help.  I also keep a journal, which I find is very helpful especially when I'm anxious about sometihing, just writting can help to bring it to the surface and calm things down.  

      I reently tried amitriptyline for my depression and dizzienss and the doc said it may also help to slow the anxiety to a point where the therapy would help, but I could not take it, had a very bad reaction on day 5 of it and had to stop it.  I've tried AD in the past and eeveryone of them I;ve had a bad effect from.  So now its just xanax for the really bad days when I need it.  Its works great to get me back to rational thinking and calming down the body.  But its not long acting and its not recommended to take everyday, beause so addictive.

      Please don't feel ashamed about whats happening to you.  I beleive just talking to your wife and helping her to understand will be so benificial, simply because when your feeling bad you can tell her and for me it helps my symptoms to calm because I not trying to handle it alone and trying to appear fine when I'm not.  Its very hard to pretend your okay when inside your worried and feeling things happening and wondering what they mean or could they be something bad.  

      I hope you can read the book and it helps some.  I have also been working in a workbook on my own, call the anxiety & worry workbook.  Its been a great help.

      I hope things get better for you.  

  • eva98245
    eva98245 anxession

    Posted

    Worst you can do when havi g anxiety problems is hixe it from the closer people,you need somebody to know to suport you , you won't win by yourself sad

  • ella35056
    ella35056 anxession

    Posted

    I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to do with my thoughts. I think I'm slowly losing my mind, I insecure with who I am, and do ally I'm afraid of not having control one day of my own mind. I get this crappy feeling about myself and I seem to take everything to heart when I shouldn't either be concerned.

  • mesha79803
    mesha79803 anxession

    Posted

    Hi Anxession, I'm going through the same exact thing. Feel like I'm losing my mind I can't turn off my thoughts. Everyone is looking at me like I'm crazy.

    I get panaky when around people. I have social anxiety and I'm self conscious/ low self esteem. No one understands what I'm going through. I'm really having a hard time dealing with it all. I'm not on meds I'm dealing with it all alone. Can u tell me what u did to overcome this? If u did, please help!

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