Feel like I've had enough right now

Posted , 5 users are following.

Hi my name is Cally and I'm 19. I'm sorry to vent but I need to talk to somebody.

I've never had an 'official diagnosis' but I've been battling low moods for years now. I've grew up without a mum, was in and out of care as a child. My dad tried his best but he was never a brilliant parent. He has problems with alcohol and moodswings which affected my childhood I guess.

At 14, I became pregnant and when my child was a few months old, he passed away due to a congenital problem. I was only 15 when I had to remove his life support. I couldn't even grieve at that point, there was always so much going on that I never felt like his mum anyway.

Shortly after my 16th birthday, I had enough and after sleeping rough for a couple of days, got offered a hostel. I'm always getting in and out of arguments and trouble with other people, so over the next year, I'd been in 7. I found out I was pregnant again after I moved to the south, the 8th hostel. It was unbearable, the people were constantly scrounging off me and calling me names on the stairs. The manager always went on their side after they reported me. I begged her for help, at that time 20 weeks pregnant. I applied for other hostels and got turned down. I asked the social services for help - they said no on several occasions.

I had to sofa surf with randomers I met in the street, with just a suitcase of clothes. I found out my baby was dead on the scan a week later. I had to go through the labour and everything. I grieved twice then.

I've got my own flat now, my old GP offered my counselling but it was no help, just like the first time. I was put on Citalopram but I can't control my moods whilst on it. I'm always anxious now. I'm trying to build my life back up, but I live alone and haven't got any friends. I have Asperger Syndrome and ADHD, which doesn't help. I've never had a decent friend. I go to college now and I go to clubs, I go to chess club and a crafts club, but I find myself going through the motions. I hate where I live too. I don't know anybody, despite the fact that I've spent 4 years in care around here.

My current GP, I can't even get an appointment with. Everytime I try to make one, it's 2 or 3 weeks away at 8:10 in the morning and the waiting room is always hammered. I get scared in full places. But I do attempt every couple of weeks.

For the past year, I've been heavily drinking because I've got nothing else to do. I don't know how I've got through college since September because most of the time I can't even handle going in anymore, it's getting useless because my concentration is rubbish.

So sorry to rant, but I've just had enough. I know I'm only a kid, but I've had to be an adult for years, I've never had a proper childhood because I've never had friends. It seems I'm a target for bullying too, but it happens less often these days.

Cally sad

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    hiya cally,

    you really do need to talk to somebody about all this, you have to persevere and get to see your doctor first, presumably in the past you have had support from a social worker or similar person, where are they now, can you get in touch with them to help you ??

    last but not least, im not preaching and im sure you already know this, heavy drinking will only make matters worse try and cut down if you can.

    by the way, rant away it can help, keep us posted on how you get on


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  • Posted

    Things might seem overwhelmingly bad but the good news is that you're not alone in feeling this way. What borough are you in, Cally? I'll find out your nearest free help centre and put you in touch with someone, okay sweetheart? Get in touch. Emma xx
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  • Posted

    Hi Cally

    Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you, I am sending a massive cyber hug across to you!

    There are people out there who will help you; try to see your GP or go to a walk in centre first. You could also contact the local Salvation Army, they can offer sll sorts of help including accommodation and befriending.

    Poppet, try and let the people out there help you. You could also contact the Autistic Society, they may be able to support you in accessing services.

    Do let us know how you are getting on xxxx

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  • Posted

    Hi Cally,

    I’m greatly saddened to hear the rough life you have to go thru in such young age. I really feel for you. Stay strong and try to find some focus in life however small that is. A hobby is a good start. Just don’t let your mind stay idle for long. Depression is no picnic, I know. But drug treatment can help only to certain extend. You can’t rely on it absolutely. Ultimately, you need to find the strength to lift yourself up from deep inside you. That’s when you really turn things around.

    I didn’t know I was depressed until I got myself in seriously deep trouble. I’ve been suffering from sleep disorder for the past ten years. I haven’t had one single good normal sleep all that time. The outcome is serious sleep deprivation which gets me really depressed at times. I don’t know which one came first. Perhaps I have always been depressed all my life and the sleep deprivation thing just amplifies it for me. The symptoms of depression can really be overwhelming which make everyday life an uphill battle. It leaves me feeling rotten inside. Friendship is a rare thing for me as well. I guess it doesn’t help when I look tired and miserable all the time. It is hard to be cheerful when one is feeling empty and depressed.

    Cally, you need to find someone to talk to; a social worker could be a good listener and friend for you. Crying for help is better than bottling up inside. Don’t let circumstance dictate your life. You sound like a fighter to me. Stay strong and fight your way out. You will be up on your feet again in no time.

    Take good care of yourself now.

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  • Posted

    Hi Cally

    Hope you doing better now, Sorry to here about everything you been through.

    Youve been through so much, im sure u can get through this to. Keep going to your doctor, he might come up with something. Also you said one medication didnt work but you didnt say if you still on it or diff one. Not sure what else to suggest. Apart from alcohol doesn't mix to good with anti depressents. It makes you feel so much worse. So if you can stop drinking altogether, im sure your feel better.

    Take care

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