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I have had depression on and off for many years, and earlier this year awful anxiety as well which resulted in me overdosing a few times, and being admitted to a mental health unit twice for a short spell, and quite a number of meetings with psychiatrists etc. Now I been recovering and felt pretty good, until just recently for a few reasons. I decdied not to go ahead with a distance learning degree I was looking forward to and trying to get mentally prepared for. I usually read loads, and am very interested in history - it was a Masters course in History - but when I tried to read some of the material I had been sent by the university I couldnt concentrate at all, and just wasnt interested, so I told them I really couldnt manage it. I feel bad about this - I feel I've let myself down. Also, I really want to do some voluntary work, but have a bit of a criminal record - nothing major - once I got a bit of probation, and other times driving bans, fines etc; but I am too embarrassed about it to apply for anything. I desperately want to help out with something - I contacted the Local Food Bank and they seemed keen for me to help, and sent me an application form, but I'm worried about the CRB thing and also I cant think of anyone to put as referees, its so long since I worked for anyone else. I do help my husband run a small business from home, but I cant put him down as a referee!
Also our 18 year old son has been putting more pressure on us recently to move house, - he is embarrassed to invite his friends back as our house is smaller, or not as smart as his friends - or so he seems to think. I dont want to move, but he is in such a state about it that me and my husband are going through the motions of putting our house on the market, and viewing other houses, even though we dont really like them enough to go through all the stress of moving. I've moved quite a lot of times in my life, and the last few times was so awful - I felt so ill with stress and exhaustion, and actually got quite physically ill the last two times. I cant deal with all that again, but I'm scared of my son being upset and angry.
I sometimes just want to run away from all of this - just get on a train or plane and go. The other way out is another overdose, but I dont want to go backwards. But I just feel more and more helpless, useless and forced into a dark corner, and that no matter what I do, I'll never shake of the past and be judged for what I'm capable of now.
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