Feel there is no point in my life

Posted , 3 users are following.

I have had depression on and off for many years, and earlier this year awful anxiety as well which resulted in me overdosing a few times, and being admitted to a mental health unit twice for a short spell, and quite a number of meetings with psychiatrists etc.  Now I been recovering and felt pretty good, until just recently for a few reasons. I decdied not to go ahead with a distance learning degree I was looking forward to and trying to get mentally prepared for. I usually read loads, and am very interested in history - it was a Masters course in History - but when I tried to read some of the material I had been sent by the university I couldnt concentrate at all, and just wasnt interested, so I told them I really couldnt manage it. I feel bad about this - I feel I've let myself down. Also, I really want to do some voluntary work, but have a bit of a criminal record - nothing major - once I got a bit of probation, and other times driving bans, fines etc; but I am too embarrassed about it to apply for anything. I desperately want to help out with something - I contacted the Local Food Bank and they seemed keen for me to help, and sent me an application form, but I'm worried about the CRB thing and also I cant think of anyone to put as referees, its so long since I worked for anyone else. I do help my husband run a small business from home, but I cant put him down as a referee!

Also our 18 year old son has been putting more pressure on us recently to move house, - he is embarrassed to invite his friends back as our house is smaller, or not as smart as his friends - or so he seems to think. I dont want to move, but he is in such a state about it that me and my husband are going through the motions of putting our house on the market, and viewing other houses, even though we dont really like them enough to go through all the stress of moving. I've moved quite a lot of times in my life, and the last few times was so awful - I felt so ill with stress and exhaustion, and actually got quite physically ill the last two times.  I cant deal with all that again, but I'm scared of my son being upset and angry.

I sometimes just want to run away from all of this - just get on a train or plane and go. The other way out is another overdose, but I dont want to go backwards. But I just feel more and more helpless, useless and forced into a dark corner, and that no matter what I do, I'll never shake of the past and be judged for what I'm capable of now.

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  • Posted

    Hi I do feel for you and what you are going through.   I recently started work for a charity shop as a volunteer and all they wanted was a brief form completed and 2 people who have known me for a while.   There was no questions about past convictions.  Even if there was then yours have probablly expired by now,  so I shouldn't worry about it.

    As for your son - words fail me!   Not being funny but he sounds like a spollt brat and you are letting him emotionally blackmail you,   You can't move house just because your son demands it and what a terrible attitude to be ashamed of his home.  He should be grateful he has a home and 2 lovely parents.   I suggest you remind him of this next time he gets angry or upset.   

    My mother would have said no chance,  and told me to leave home if I didn't like it!   He will leave home one day as he is 18 so don't let yourself be blackmailed.   Lay the law down.  He is an adult now and he can make his own life and shouldn't be treating you or your hubby like this.   You are not doing him (or yourself) any favours by pandering to his whims,  he needs to know his place.   If he expects everything his own way then what a nightmare he will be to his own family in the future.  

    Stop looking at property just to please him.  He is not a little tin God you know,  he is your son and you as the adult makes the decisions.   If he doesn't like it then you need to tell him what he can do.  x

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    • Posted

      Hi thanks for your supportive reply. I think in getting the referenes its a matter of having to swallow my pride, because I will have to ask people who I dont particularly want a favour from - like my husbands ex business partner, who I think my husband bent over backwards for, and was taken advantage of to quite an extent - and now I have to ask him for a favour!  But I suppose I'll never get any where with that attitude.

      AS for my son - the problem is me and I my husband really feel we owe it to him to do our very best for him, because he did go through alot when I was having my drinking problems, although I was never unpleasant to him, but being around a drunk angry parent must have been awful. And there were times when I just took of for a few days, and my husband reported me missing to the police, and it must have been hell for him and my son. My son asked my husband to leave me lots of times.  Now things are much better and I get on very well with him, ( my son), but I dont want to trigger anything which wil unleash a torrent of accusation about how I ruined his childhood - which he is convinced I have even though he forgives me now. Ke also has Aspergers Syndrome,  - its quite mild, but he was diagnosed when he was five, and he definitely still has it, and he is still very vulnerable in many ways. He wants to go to university, but when it comes to the crunch, I dont know if he'll want to leave home. He may want to stay living with and go to a university near us, which I would be happy for him to do. It also means he actually isnt just desperate to get away from us, which I suppose is a compliment.

      We have tried all the rational arguing, and even offered to get an extension built on the house, but he wont budge.  

      I am still feeling the burden of my past mistakes, - because of my son, and because of the fact I feel so scared even to just apply for voluntary work. I cut myself off from everyone for so long, because of my drinking and depression, I literally am at a loss at who to use as a reference - or two!    I have thought of volunteering at the centre I went when I did have alcohol problems still - they do have people volunteering who used to be 'clients', and I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy it. I'll give that a go.

      Again thanks for youre support.

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    • Posted

      Hi ursula

      I agree with hypercats response. Even if your son experienced rough times in the past, he is now old enough to understand your drinking was an illness. It seems like your over compensating by giving in to his wishes because your drinking affected him in the past. If you keep doing this you will be subjected to more demands for the rest of your life.

      I am sure you are trying to make it up to him but this is not the way to go about it. What about you? What about your health? What about your wants?

      I know you want to do everything to please him, but not at the cost of you.

      I think you will get a job and as mentioned by hypercat character references from friends will be enough

      if you haven't worked for a while. Many employers will take you on even if you do have minor offences against you. Just be upfront and tell them either on the application forms or at interview. I think your honesty will stand you in good stead. Your son said he has forgiven you. ..I think you need to forgive yourself. It was not your fault it is an illness that took hold of you.

      Be kind to yourself and remember your life has value too!!

      God bless

      Lorraine

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    • Posted

      Thanks for your'e supportive message. My son does understand the alcohol problem was an illness - he talks about me being allergic to alcohol. In some ways he blames my husband more for not doing more about the problem at the time, but he actually really did all he could.

      I will apply for the voluntary work - as for the house move, well my husband doesnt want to either, so we'll just not mention the subject, and hopefully my son will get distracted by other things - he has his own life, friends, and A levels to focus on.

      I dont have alot of self confidence in certain situations, although with some people I can stand my ground.  

      Anyway, thanks again for your support.

       

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    • Posted

      You are very welcome and congratulations for overcoming your illness.

      You sound like a great mum and your son is very lucky to have a mum like you.

      I hope all goes well for you ursula and we are all here for you xxx

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    • Posted

      Hi you have nothing to feel guilty about.  Alcoholism is an illness and at least you kicked it and ended up back with your family.  I am sure you did your best at the time and no one can ask more of you than that. 

      Ok you messed up - join the club for messed up parents.  Who has the perfect family after all?  I know I didn't and mine was nothing to do with drink.   We are all human and we all make mistakes,  so you must learn to live with and accept yours.   Well done for getting clean and putting your family first after a while.  Pat yourself on the back for that ie concentrate on the positive not the negative. 

      You can't change the past but you can the future and that is what you should be directing your energies towards.   Have you ever had counselling?   I think this could help you to put things into perspective and help you learn to live with your past.    Then you can move on.  Life is often about living with guilt isn't it?   Don't let it affect your future.

      Take the volunteering job and get yourself back out there.   Your previous convictions are probably spent so check up on this.  You won't have to declare anything then.   Take care.  Bev x

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    • Posted

      Thanks ever so much.  I have had counselling before. Maybe I should try it now. I seem to entering a tricky time as the menopause has just hit me, along with some of the unpleasant symptoms, so its pretty hard to keep on top of things and fight the depression as well. 

      My convictions are spent, my husband keeps telling me this, so I dont have to panic so much. But it still dents my confidence. If I enter my name in google the details of my last conviction/court case still come up, which is ridiculous as it was a number of years ago. Unfortunately it was on the front page of the local paper, as I lived in quite a small place. Ironically alot of people with more serious convictions dont have this problem, because they live somewhere where so much more serious crime is going on that something like that would not be on the radar. I was too embarrassed to leave the house for ages, and it was one of the reasons that triggered us moving to another part of the country. It was a pretty traumatic time.

      I am really worried that if I dont mention my convictions someone will find out anyway, and if I do there will be problems. I used to think it didnt matter after quite a long while, but these things seem to just follow you around. Basically it was all because of the alcohol problem.

      I have also been too embarrassed to contact a whole load of old friends for the same reason, even though I get really lonely. 

      I must focus on getting the volunteering sorted out.

      Thanks again. XX

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