Posted , 5 users are following.
I'm not looking for anyone to tell me not to act on any suicidal thoughts, I'm not going to do anything tonight or tomorrow. And I'm also not looking for comments stating how bad suicide is as an act.
I have had instrusive thoughts for ten months now, I have finally got to the point where they are louder and more overwhelming than the voices in my head that tell me to hold on. Realistically, not everyone gets better from depression so, if I were to act on my thoughts I would be one less burden to the NHS and another statistic.
I try to think of the positive things in my life to hold on for but, job? Nope, just a stream of rejection, close family, haven't got that either. Friends? Not anymore - I made the mistake of making friends with people who are great, hilarious people but who are totally selfish and lack any compassion for other people generally. So, with no career, friends, family, nothing at all to fill my day and no future to look forward to, no partner to share my time with and no happiness coming in from anywhere the question of how long to wait does start to take presidence.
It's only been ten months and that is no time at all for a lot of people on this site, the only difference being that I'm not interested in playing the long game with this disease. I don't want to keep waiting or fighting, I'm tired and have nothing left to give or anything to fight for. I don't want to feel okay-ish in a few months for a year or two just to fall back into the depths of depression once again later in life.
I'm just writing on here to write, that is all.
Needed a place to get out all of my thoughts as they are currently driving me insane and working me up.
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