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Feeling as though the end is nigh

Posted , 5 users are following.

fee25
fee25

I'm not looking for anyone to tell me not to act on any suicidal thoughts, I'm not going to do anything tonight or tomorrow. And I'm also not looking for comments stating how bad suicide is as an act. 

I have had instrusive thoughts for ten months now, I have finally got to the point where they are louder and more overwhelming than the voices in my head that tell me to hold on. Realistically, not everyone gets better from depression so, if I were to act on my thoughts I would be one less burden to the NHS and another statistic. 

I try to think of the positive things in my life to hold on for but, job? Nope, just a stream of rejection, close family, haven't got that either. Friends? Not anymore - I made the mistake of making friends with people who are great, hilarious people but who are totally selfish and lack any compassion for other people generally. So, with no career, friends, family, nothing at all to fill my day and no future to look forward to, no partner to share my time with and no happiness coming in from anywhere the question of how long to wait does start to take presidence. 

It's only been ten months and that is no time at all for a lot of people on this site, the only difference being that I'm not interested in playing the long game with this disease. I don't want to keep waiting or fighting, I'm tired and have nothing left to give or anything to fight for. I don't want to feel okay-ish in a few months for a year or two just to fall back into the depths of depression once again later in life. 

I'm just writing on here to write, that is all.

Needed a place to get out all of my thoughts as they are currently driving me insane and working me up. 

1 like, 17 replies

17 Replies

  • Bryan04029
    Bryan04029 fee25

    Posted

    Hi, 

    How did your depression start, or more should I say when ? 

    Know where you coming from, makes more sense, actually thinking about sometimes myself. 

     

    • fee25
      fee25 Bryan04029

      Posted

      It was a lingering thing for a few years but became a real problem in mid November after being sexually abused. So, it's been around ten months. 

      It just seems to me as though every "solution" is actually more of a stall.

  • teresa9999
    teresa9999 fee25

    Posted

    I have time to talk. Sometimes I feel the same.  The differences I have a husband child retirement Anna home. 
    • fee25
      fee25 teresa9999

      Posted

      It's good that you have people to hold on for, it's a real blessing. Don't get me wrong, I don't help my situation - I do tend to isolate myself a lot. 
  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 fee25

    Posted

    You whole way of thinking and negative repitive self talk is causing you a lot of pain. Do you realize that? Theres a lot of positive things in life. Look around you, look in the mirror. You need to learn self love, self gratitude and   Attain the knowledge and guidance to show and teach you how to enjoy your world. There is not just the one way of life. People live in all parts of the world and have different ways of dealing with things, maybe try moving to a less stressful  enviornment. Depression is an imbalnce and that part a doc would need to regulate your imbalnce not sure a person can with depression make the correct choices. Any incident that briught you to this dark place is in the past and you need to accept and forgive yourself for whatever harsh judgement you have cast upon yourself. One of every seven people you see has had an u fortunate sexual abuse incident some more. It is sadly common. It sucks. But you are punishing yourself repeatively for a very long time. Forgiveness never needs to cindome anything its about acceptance and letting the feelings go
  • lisalisa67
    lisalisa67 fee25

    Posted

    It primted too fast. Sorry. Anyway sounds a lot like ptsd and it is absolutely manageable.you need the right guidance. You need someone to help you get to the source of the pain so you can accept and forgive for yourself. Maybe at a future time you yourself can end up cou seling another with a similiar experience. Can you find and go to a support group. You basically sound exhausted and filled with self disgust. Your approach to healing yourself here is sabatage and negagive. I dont get ehy noone explained to you otsd. Ofc youd pass theough depression. Its a process. But a journey you should be doing either in group therapy or with an experienced cou selor.
    • fee25
      fee25 lisalisa67

      Posted

      I have spoken to my GP, she's very lovely and understanding but, there's not much she can do - I've been waiting to see a counsellor for over a month with no word still. The fact that it has come so far is my own fault, I know that. I was the one who decided to wait a long time before I asked for help so, becoming overwhelmed is almost inevitable. 

      I am very much a realist so, I think about things very logically. I have struggled all my life with issues that I did not understand which, I later learnt was OCD. 

      I am waiting and and I am trying, I made a decision long ago that I would not do something dangerous until I believed that I had tried everything that I could to help my situation. 

      Nobody has spoken to me about PTSD, so I don't really know that much about it but, it would make sense for that to be an issue with me. To be honest, nobody has sat down and had a proper conversation about anything with me which, is probably why I become so tightly wound. I can deal with things a lot better when I have a full understanding of what is going on, which is something I don't have at the moment. 

      Thank you for your reply Lisa xx

  • ursulauc62
    ursulauc62 fee25

    Posted

    Fee, I've talked to you before. Look I was sexually abused more than once. The second time was actually really bad there was more than one person involved, and when I went to the police about it they didnt believe me, because they were already investigating my first attack without much progress.

    I dont have a job - lost it some years ago due to depression and addiction. I am lucky because I have a very supportive partner and lovely son - when he's not being typical rude teenager. I have been attacked, mugged, in trouble with the police because of my alcoholism, so its not likely I'll get a job again. I do what I can. I study with the Open University, I read alot of books, I talk about politics and history with my son because he is studying those things and is very good at college.  I read a Stephen Hawkings book a couple of months ago.

    I really dont mean to preach, but the conventions of job, money, 'normal social life' etc arent everything. I scoff at people who like to spend alot of money. I get all my stuff from charity shops and ebay and I love doing that, and I love thinking about the money I am not wasting. I keep myself healthy, eat really healthily, excercise, dont drink.

    I sometimes get upset about the past, but its gone. My mum has Alzheimers and shes in a care home near me, and I saw her last night, and she was sad, and remembering things but only bits, and being upset because she couldnt remember more. I could just hug her and reassure her everything is OK. Most of the time shes OK.  There is evidence that there is a cure in the pipeline even for this devastating disease, so we can take drugs to prevent getting it.

    There is hope. You are very young and I dont think you really want to stop living. Life is too amazing, extraordinary, weird.  

    I have suffered terrible depresion, and know I might again, because some people are more prone to it, but I live for now. Might get cancer in a few years - who knows?

    See your'e doctor, get some help. I refused to for ages because I didnt trust them, but that was a mistake.

    Take Care. Let us know how you get on.

    • fee25
      fee25 ursulauc62

      Posted

      Hi Ursulauc62, nice to hear from you again, I hope you're well!

      Sexual abuse releases a number of different responses and emotions in each victim, I can completely understand why I think the way I do in certain areas and I can tell myself "oh yes, I think/feel that because of this situation" but, recognising a fact does not change it and letting things go is not an easy thing for me when it comes to "forgiving" myself.

      I'm not a materialistic person, so not having a job isn't about money for me. I worked in areas that I absolutely loved, in an industry everyone told me that I would never work in - I felt good about it, like I had won a small victory. I was never the type of person to enjoy sitting around and doing nothing. When I was studying for my degree I was also doing volunteer work, freelance work and holding down a job. I like being busy. But, now it is not just a case of, "ok, well go volunteer and get another job" because my mind can't concetrate on anything and being out doing these things unfortunately makes me feel worse. Which is why I self harmed so much during the last few months of my degree and most recent job. It's catch 22. 

      I can definitely sympathise with your mum's illness, my gran has Alzheimers - it is a horrible, devastating disease. It's good that you're there for her, visitors (especially family members) are very good for stimulating their minds. Unfortunately my grandmother cannot speak or even move which, is heart breaking. Though I find showing her pictures on my phone of us brings a smile to her face! smile 

      It's more of the fact that I am not scared of death. I'm more scared of living. I have a plan for the end of my life, there are a few things I would need to buy to be successful and I actively haven't bought them so I know that I am no danger to myself without these things - which, is why I'm not worried about actively attempting anything. I could never do anything on impulse as the risk of failure would be too high. 

      Also, I would not attempt anything without believing that I have tried everything I can to get better first. Another reason why I am not worried about actually attempting anything. 

      I have always had obsessive thoughts, throughout my life. They were very irrational when I was younger so, I knew something wasn't right. Though those thoughts are still there, these new ones are now adding to the pile only these ones are real. Which actually makes them harder to deal with in my opinion.

      I have tried, don't get me wrong. I spent time with people, set goals for myself, travelled half way across the world, climbed a mountain, got a degree. None of it makes me feel anything but, these are the things that used to bring me some joy. 

      I'm seeing my Dr next week for a blood pressure check, I want to bring these issues up with her but, I have crippling anxiety when it comes to saying these things in real life so, though I plan it all out now, when it comes down to it I may end up buckling. 

      I'm glad you have come through the other end, it's inspirational to hear and I hope it carries on going well for you. I'm more of a Stephen King reader than Stephen Hawkings! It's good that you keep challenging yourself and your mind. 

      Best wishes xxx

       

    • ursulauc62
      ursulauc62 fee25

      Posted

      Hi Fee, thanks for your reply. I was actually worried youd think I was being preachy, but really I'm not.  I have selfharmed quite a bit, taken a number of overdoses, and was in a mental health unit for a short time.  Obviously it takes alot of time to come to terms with bad memories. It did for me. 

      I also have had really good jobs and travelled half way round the world, and lived and worked in the Far East.  

      I also have suffered from OCD since childhood, but have in later years managed to quite succesfully control it. It was very bad in my twenties, and I hadnt even heard of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder then, so I was too worried and embarrased to talk to anyone about it. I hiestly just thought I was going insane. I was so relieved when I found out it wqas a recognised medical condition. I take prozac partly for the depression, but it helps with OCD too. I have also had very bad social phobia, and sometimes still do. Alcohol used to help me alot with this, but thats not an option now.

      I also have planned how to kill myself and done research on the dark web to find out how to get stuff for a painless end.

      I just really hope you dont take it any further. I know youre family would be devastated if you did, and life can get so much better.

      Take Care.  

      XXX

    • fee25
      fee25 ursulauc62

      Posted

      No not at all, I completely understand where you're coming from. 

      That's the thing, it has only been ten months so, I wouldn't expect to feel much different anyway, especially considering I haven't received any real help yet. And as you say, these things do take time. 

      That's exactly what it was like with me! My family used to mock me for believing that things were contaminated etc. so I was as quiet as I could be about it all until I heard something on the radio about OCD and went to talk to a professional about it. 

      Alcohol, as tempting as it is, definitely not a good solution. Always makes things worse - it is a bad choice disguised as an aid. 

      Sometimes, I think it is useful to be able to have everything planned out. When things feel so overwhelming I can think about my plan, how effective it would be etc. and it oddly does calm me down. I think the thought of suicide is often such a painful and consuming feeling but, for me it's both dreadful but, can also be used to calm me. I suppose that's about control. 

      Again, I won't be doing anything anytime soon - I would be lying if I said I don't think about it every day or that I don't want to but I know I haven't done enough to give myself a fair chance at a future! 

      xxxx

  • abbeym395
    abbeym395 fee25

    Posted

    I'm not going to lecture you.  I've been where you are and I know (still do) hate lectures.  Instead I'm going to give you an idea of what I've been through and about the fact that no matter how hopeless things might seem or are, there is some hope out there, even if you haven't found it yet.

    Secondly - it is not your fault.  You might not have done everything perfectly but everyone makes mistakes and that doesn't make you a bad person.  Your illness is an evil, insidious and nasty thing which doesn't care about anything apart from making you feel bad.  

    I've been through nasty things and get flashbacks and all the rest of it.  I have overdosed more than 30 times and am covered with the scars from other harm.  In that I have learned that in the NHS, when you are feeling this low, you really have to push to make clear how low you are.  You mustn't let a well-meaning GP make you agree that you're better than you are.  You have to be blunt or you won't be listened to.  Please try, for the person you could be without this illness, for the person you perhaps haven't met yet.

    Sexual abuse destroyed my life.  I'm slowly putting it back together.  If nothing else, think about what your abuser would rather you do and try to do the opposite.  Don't let them win because you have got so much more to contribute to the world than they ever could.

    • fee25
      fee25 abbeym395

      Posted

      I think the sick part is that I could probably forgive anyone for almost anything but I cannot forgive myself!

      It's a shame that people in these situations do have to push so hard, especially at a time where that extra push can require so much energy that you just don't have. I definitely agree with everything you say, the bit about not letting a well-meaning GP making you agree you're better than you are especially rings true with me! That's why I find disagreeing and telling them straight so hard. But it's detrimental to me not them! 

      I'm glad that you are finding your feet again, sounds as though you've been to hell and back! 

      Thank you for your reply, it was very helpful and insightful smile

    • abbeym395
      abbeym395 fee25

      Posted

      It is a shame, and it is very hard to push, but I found with time I started to find ways to talk to them.  At first, I didn't manage to be blunt but I managed to say just enough to make my GP/counsellor to think that perhaps things are worse than they might seem on the surface.  It's much easier to say "yes" to a question than to make a statement, although it's still not easy 

      I'm the same with not being able to forgive myself - I'm still a sod for it.  I am learning to drive and I have found myself apologising to my instructor every time I make a mistake!

      Hell and back probably describes it all pretty well.  I'm glad I could help smile

    • fee25
      fee25 abbeym395

      Posted

      When my counselling finally starts they might get a better idea of what's going on. My GP doesn't really ask many questions and I don't bring things up so we're not getting far! I may try and sneak in a few comments next week though if I can! 

      It's definitely hard to forgive youself, moreso than others, though I am sure your driving instructor is very used to students making mistakes! :P 

    • abbeym395
      abbeym395 fee25

      Posted

      Counselling definitely makes it easier to get things spotted.  The other thing you could do is find one of the forms out there which are for assessing depression/anxiety, fill it out and take it with you to a GP appointment - they're normally just tick-box, ticking the extent to which you agree with a statement or something similar.  It would communicate what's in your head without your having to find the words.

      I'm sure he is, but I worry that I'll mess up badly!  I still haven't forgiven myself for all the harm that left scars as now I'm left with this permanent mark of how ill I got.  Keep going, you can get through this, I promise smile

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