feeling depressed and affecting my relationship with partner

Hi Steve, I really feel for you and think it's really brave of you to be so honest. You and your partner sound like you have a great relationship.

It's hard to know how to make this easier for you. All I can say to you is that you have to challenge your thinking on this. As a woman who has had these type of examinations I can say they feel in no way sexual. It fact I would say the opposite is true. Maybe it would help you to focus on the fact that these doctors have lives and partners outside of there jobs. The way they are touching your partner is not anything like the way you would touch her.

I know I probably haven't said anything to really help but I think that just acknowledging that your thinking on this needs challengeing is a good first step.

Anyone's thinking would be off if faced with a partner finding a lump. Fear can cause us to react in all sorts of ways.

Please keep checking this forum, as I'm sure you will get some more responses from people who will be able to offer you some advice how to tackle your feelings. I'm sorry I couldn't be more help but I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Heartfelt good wishes to your partner and I hope she will be ok.

Hello Steve, I wonder what as made you feel insecure with the woman you have loved and been with for 14 years. I guess it is because you feel insecure about yourself. You say you have lost your job and your feeling inadaquate about not being able to provide and for a man that is a big thing. I also think that your insecurity about not being able to father chidren as resurfaced. Does knowing that another man touching your wife such as the Doctor brings these feelings to the surface. I believe you trust your wife but somehow think that a Doctor will feel something sexual  in examining your wife. Let me say that usually a Doctor will not examinine a woman in this way without a nurse in the room to protect themselves as well as the patient. Doctors are doing their job which is to examinine the patient and in no way are they thinking sexually, they just want to find what is wrong. I can tell you that your wife will find it nerve racking rather than sexual. I wish that you could support your wife in this as she really needs you to be their for her. If things are really bothering you could you not attend with her or ask for a woman Doctor to examinine her, muslim woman only have women doctors in these circumstances. The other thought is that if your wife was to go into hospital there will be male doctors and nurses as well as women. If you are not convinced you have nothing to worry about then my only suggestion is for you to have CBH which will help you change your thought patterns or counselling to explore why you feel so insecure. I hope you can get through this and put yourself in your wifes shoes and see that she is worried and anxious about what may be found in her breast and doesn't need you to act like this toward her. Trust, love and care for her at this difficult time as i am sure she would do the same for you. 

Best wishes.

Elizabeth.

Hey

Sounds pretty tough, im a female and have back problems had many operations and examination, i can tell you there embaressing...i think ita great that youve admitted how u feel but u have to stop thinking this way,your wife will be scared embarresed and most of all she will need u to hug her and tell her everythinga going to be fine, if she didnt get the help she could be very poorly and you wouldnt have wanted that. Please dont think im being horrible as ido want to help you,my mum has been a long sufferer of depression and sometimes it takes someone to point it out harshly. Ive only recently been suffering with it my self but have experience of being on the other side like your wife...help her put ur feelings to one side and seek help of a counciler to help you through. You would feel a million times worse if you push her away and its clear you love her deeply or you wouldnt care so much i hope everything works out for you both.

Stacey xx

hello all

Thank you for your replies helps more than you know

i was to be honest not know what to expect , i know what you all are saying and think in my own mind i know it also, i just cant seem to turn those other thoughts off as much as i try.

i know one thing id sooner talk here than hurt my partner the way i have by making her cry she deserves better from me than offloading my feelings to her at a time i should have been giving her 110% of my support and love. this i feel disgusted at myself for i feel the most because she does support me in everything i do including ups and down times even through this she has tried to support me and i did not realsie how i was affecting her till she broke down in tears , i never want to see my partner like that again especialy when the cause is me and the way i think.

i dont think its because i am insecure or because the fathering part has resurfaced because i first found out about this in a previous relationship and went throught the various stages of depression ect and got myelf back on track. i informed my partner who i am with now very early in the relationship when i felt things was getting serious about me not being able to father children as i felt it was not fair not to yes it was hard telling someone that but my partner was ok for us to carry on knowing this.

as for job situation possibly helps towards me feeling depressed but dont think its the issue of why i feel the way i do regarding my partner being checked by a male doc.

i think i have always believed that when a couple are together only they should see those parts of each other and thats special between the two of you and find it hard knowing another man has seen my partner and touched her in those places.and is this i struggling with.

i dont think it helped what i read on other forums about women who posted they got arroused while at the gynecologist and going into detail to point i closed that page down because i physicaly felt sick in stomach. or on another forum where doctors was told its normal to get arroused because end of day they are men and so long as patient does not know its ok. on another forum men was talking about similar thing to me ie there partners seing male docs some by choice some not ect the forum was pretty one sided and a bit cruel at some points as some people said dump the lass which i feel was a bit harsh end of day its there body and there choice who they see ect which is another reason i keep trying to explain to my partner none of this is any way her fault is how i see things thats the issue and how i feel not her fault i know in my heart and head that if she had a choice she would have chose femaile as she knows how i feel about it but she had no choice as was given a 2 week appointment and mindset she was in at time cant blame her for not asking if was gona be man or woman ect she needed answers to if it was serious or not. i think a combination of things that was happening all in same time frame possibly put my head into overdrive or made me more stresfull.

i could not fetch myself to go to the hospital with her which i am disgusted at myself for but feel i would have probably put more stress on her that day if i had gone.

i just want us to go back to way we used to be before i hurt her way i have.

i dont ever want to see her cry like that again especialy as its me who made her cry. i dont like myself at min because i feel i have let her down being the way i am i want to change just wish i had a switch i can turn off in my head that stopped those thoughts.

i did not know what to expect as far as replies went based on those other forums but would like to thank you all for your open replies and for not basicaly putting me down for the way i feel but giving honest advise and hope you dont mind me keep dropping in for posting how im feeling as it helps a lot just to be able to talk without upsetting my partner which i never want to do again the way i have. my writing is a bit allover at min as im typing as it in my head and thats a bit all over also. its hard for me to hide my feelings from y partner because she knows when i am down ect but now i am trying to not say much in that area as dont want to hurt her because of my ways ect. i just need her to know i love her very much and dont mean to hurt her and dont want to hurt her she has given a lot up to be with me and deserves better from me and hopefully i can get myself out of the way i feel and start being a better person for her. there was a series on tv last night cant rem name of it but part of story line was a doctor had been abusing his position ect and another doctor was covering up for him saying yes i knew he was abusing some but hes saving hundreds of lifes ect my partner must have noticed something in my face i dont know but she turned chanel over this is what i mean when i say she always thinking of me so even when i have made her cry she still thinking of my feelings why cant i just turn these horible thoughts of for sake of my partner.

No one can just turn there emotions of unfortuntly,life would be a lot more simple if we could, i understand about tv programes,things like that stick in your head when you feel this way,ive recentl had to stop watching and reading certain things as they stay in my heaf for weeks and give me nightmares.

Im glad your finding comfort on here talking with other people about your situation,maybe you should rrsearch another forum for your partner one that cpuld help her, if u explain how its helping you without going into detail she might feel happy your considering her feelings and trying to help even i you cant provide that side of support yourself.

have you gone to your drs to speak about this? You might benefit from speaking with them about as they will be a lot more informed about this situation.

As for the forums youve said about women enjoying it ive never heard of this and agree that this sounds disgusting,please try not to confirm you partners experience to them,just hearing that she has turned.the tv over shows shes clearly embarressed and uncomfortable with it aswell as you.

You clearly love the bones off her so try and focus on that love,keep it at the front of yourmind. One day you will look back and see it wasnt as bad as it seemed.

Stace x

Its great that you have each other, its all anyone needs, i got married in july last year and since the i have been suffering with depression and anxiety,never had it before, my dr think its ben triggered becoz ive had loads of hospital appointments lately to do with my back problems, my husband blames his self tho and thinks it his fault as it only started after we got married, i try not to talk to him about it now as i dont want him to worry.

your relationship seems as strong as mine so your both get through it. Its great that shes know your speaking to othera,shes prob a bit relieved as its a bit of pressure off her

i wish i had a solution for you as to why you feel this way...hopefully itwill get better in time, just tell the drs what you have said on here, i imagen you will need to speak to acounciler as they are trained.to help you discover why you feel like this and how to stop it.

Dont ever worry about telling your dr how u feel. I can gaurentee they have heard things a million times worse.

Stace x