Feeling Guilty About Not Following Through on Commitments Due to Depression and Anxiety

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Just wondering if any other women dealing with anxiety and depression in perimenopause end up cancelling commitments because they just don't feel well enough to follow through.

I just let me boyfriend know that I won't be able to go with him and his cycling club on a four day cycling trip because I just can't predict how I am going to feel from one moment to the next. I am finding it excruciating to live like this.

Yesterday, I had a lovely day where I felt calm, confident, and happy. Today, I am feeling down, hopeless, guilty, and frustrated. I know that I am doing the absolute best that I can with incredibly challenging circumstances, but I still feel like I am disappointing people around me.

My boyfriend is incredibly supportive, and has told me that he will stand by my side no matter what, but I do know that it is so hard for him to truly conceive what is going on with me psychologically. I can barely conceive it myself!

When I feel down, everything seems bleak. At these times, I doubt everything, seem to gang up on myself, and am filled with negative thinking. Then, without doing anything, the depression can just lift, and I then feel optimistic, excited, and in control of my life.

All of these symptoms started for me about eight months ago. I have had crying and screaming jags (thankfully usually when I am alone), feelings of deep depression, anxiety, an inability to cope, and horrible, scary thoughts.

It's just so difficult not to be able to control my emotions. I am focusing on staying present, accepting that this is hormones, and reassuring myself that this is a temporary phase. 

I just feel like I have lost myself, and I feel scared.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

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6 Replies

  • Posted

    I can totally relate to to all those feelings I think I hit peri about 45 I'm 52 now and it's bloomin hard to cope with!  I have always until 45 been very flexible in my joints enjoying dancing etc but the aces and pains and stiffness hit me like a truck and the anxiety was and still can be but not as much I'm glad to say absolutely crippling !..I am self employed and the pressure I feel I put myself under to just purely keep going is tremendous as you put how you feel in your body or mentally can fluctuate madly even in a space of an hour! I went through a very bad patch in 2017 I truly thought I was very ill but it was simply my body 'evolving ' that's how I view it all now we are constantly evolving as women through all the decades I think this time in a woman's life is the stage where if we want to say 'no' to something that is'ok'  I habe always been a 'yes' girl a pleaser whether it be in work or in relationships I keep my circle tight now with the people I love and truly feel connected to. I watch my energy when I'm around people and gauge how I feel. Please don't feel guilty if you just don't feel up to doing things it's 'ok' this time I feel in a women's life is the time for us as women to allow ourselves to feel whatever we want good bad or indifferent! Trust me I have gone through every emotion you can possibly think of I've been in very dark places in my head but I truly think it's all a process ( I hate that word because everyone uses it these days or they are in a journey blah blah) but it's just a blip all this in the big passage of time!!! The good days will get much longer interspersed with the odd down days where I could cheerfully throttle my husband bless him!! I think the most overriding feeling I had apart from the dragging crashing fatigue and anxiety was the powerful feelings of being disallusioned in life with myself and other people seeing things with absolute clarity as if the filters on life were well and truly switched off there is a rawness about everything you encounter .. personally or externally ! 

    My humour gets me through most things I make sure I walk my dog everyday no matter how grot I feel I take care of myself first and foremost I have dropped my guilt 100% now it took me years to do that one! But you can do it too try not to overthink a situation that was my downfall I would think myself into a frenzy over situations or commitments and tire myself out even more ! Supplements do help especially the B vits but watch them as you don't want to overdo them I do make sure I drink plenty of water too ! I feel the liver can get very overloaded at this time so I watch what I eat and what time  I eat. Phew I have warbled on but I truly hope things get better for you fellow 'sister' just keep on keeping on it will change and you will come out the other side an even better version of yourself I know this to be true I hasten to add we never stop learning stuff about ourselves and how strong we really are !!!

    All the best 🌈🌈💫💫

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    • Posted

      Hi Kersh,

      Thanks so much for your insights and perspective. It was so reassuring to read your words. I totally agree with the sense of being disillusioned with life, when you are in a down phase.

      I always remind myself, as you mentioned, that in the span of my life, this really is a blip. I was well before the chaos of hormones, and I will be well again.

      I, too, am self-employed, which does put tremendous pressure on me to continue, but, in a way, maybe it's a good thing because I am forced to keep this structure in my life.

      I am also an avid exerciser, so I'm sure that helps to some degree. Even when I don't feel well, I force myself out the door, to go for a ride or a hike.

      I have a few days off coming up, so I am going to plant my veggie garden, sit in the sun, and just take care of myself.

      One day, this will be over, and I have read many women's accounts, where they indicated, as you did, that they became even better versions of themselves.

      Warm wishes and thanks againsmile

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  • Posted

    I feel exactly the same. It is all normal. I know it is not easy but try not to feel guilty. Take care.
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  • Posted

    Hi ladies ,

    All I can say is Wow ...you have summed up so many of the emotions and physical symptoms that I have had perfectly - especially over the past 6 months. I am 52 and now classed as post meopausal . I have always kept myself really fit, I work in quite a high stress job ( ED / ICU Reg Nurse) and have 5 children and been through a marriage break up and re married all in the past 5 years. I coped as well as most through these major stresses of life but the past 6 - 12 months post menopause have been the toughest times I have ever experienced. LIke others have mentioned I have had the crushing lethargy , joint pains , anxiety and I couldnt make a decision to save my life. Even green traffic lights floor me some days ....although I know they are green I have to wait for someone else to go just to be sure.

    As Kersh66 beautifully wrote - we need to be kind to ourselves and each other. I think one of the most frustrating things is that there does not seem to be any one size fits all with menopause ... no matter what stage we are at. We are all experiencing similarities but the way in which it impacts us is on a very personal level and it is quite difficult to articulate to someone who hasnt been through it ....or is experiencing it differently to you. There is also the fact that menopause is treated like a "dirty word' by many and this also makes it difficult to find support ....especially in the work place .

    I 'gave in ' about 4 months ago and I am now on Livial - a combined HRT as I was so exhausted that I was finding very difficult to continue functioning in the basics of work / life let alone trying to stay fit which I know helps combat / balance much of what we experience. The Livial has helped with my energy a bit and the muscle / joint pains are far more bearable but I now have tinitus which is apparently something else that can occur in menopause. Not sure whether the HRT caused the tinitus but will try to get back to the excercise and wean off the HRTif possible to see if that makes a difference.

    We need to be kind to ourselves and each other ...... do what suits for us as individuals and allow our bodies to move through this stage without pushing it to the limit and without judgement of ourselves and others.

    Hope hearing that you are not alone helps .... and laugh at yourself too smile ..... my husband is such a beautiful man and as much as he is understanding I am frustrating to him at times and he often uses humor to point out to me that it will be ok .....just give it time and surround yourself with love , support , rest and laughter . Take care ox smile

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  • Posted

    Bev I thought I was the only one who doesn’t socialise anymore unless I have to go then I panic. Iv not had a holiday for 5yrs beacause I worry I’ll be ill. Even if we go away in a hotel for a night I panic and I’m so on edge I really don’t enjoy it and just can’t wait to come home. My sister who’s 4yrs older than me has such a hectic social life and can’t understand why I feel this way . I look at people and just want to be like them and feel normal. I too have cancelled on several events and I overheard my brother in law calling me a miserable sod for not going to someone’s party. I just wanted to cry at this and it still upsets me. My husband is really good with me but I feel so sorry for him as he misses out on things because of me  and it’s been 5yrs now. I’m 55 and been in meno for 3yrs, started with peri in 2012. This just isn’t fair I thought when periods stopped I would feel free but I now feel trapped in myself who ever that is. Just want me back. Sending you a comforting hug bev x
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    • Posted

      Hi anxiousface, you sound like me, it is my 25th wedding anniversary  at the end of the month and my husband wants us to go away for a couple of nights in a hotel. We have not booked anything as i am worried i will be ill while we are away. My husband is also very supportive but i am so anxious. I have many aches and muscle spasms i fear something is wrong and i may die. At the same time i think i do not want to live a long life if it is going to be like this. I read on here some woman go through this for 10 years, i am 47 and have been like this 2 years but its getting worse. x 
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