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Feeling hopeless

Posted , 3 users are following.

christine86835
christine86835

I've had depression for more than half my life. I've been on and off medication the whole time and nothing seems to 'be the answer'. At the minute I can't be bothered to get up most days but force myself otherwise I'll lose my job and eventually my house. I'm working 50 hours a week then studying for a degree which I am becomming more and more disillusioned with as the marking isn't consistent and I'm just struggling with the content. I've been in my job for nearly 8 years and have managed (so far) to only be signed off once...I don't know where my life is going...I'm over weight, no energy, can't seem to concieve (we've been trying for a year now). Every single thing I do is either really hard to get and keep hold of (which saps my energy) or never works out.

My job is a nightmare, I sit there most of the time and realise that I'm the only one doing any actual work while the others internet shop and read the news all day yet I'm the one who gets all the tasks to do and whilst my boss will say 'you know I appreciate you' I quite often feel like they don't. It always seems to be me who is expected to do everything because I've been there the longest but how will that help if no one else learns? I've thought about leaving but I can't get a job doing what I'm doing now for the same wage which I need to keep paying the bills.

I'm trapped with no way out

0 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • Lizzie46881
    Lizzie46881 christine86835

    Posted

    Hi Christine

    I'm glad you came to this forum as there are some wonderful people here who will give you lots of support and encouragement.  I'm bipolar so know the horrors of depression very well, those days when you feel so low you just can't do anything, and I applaud your attitude to work, carrying on despite the depression and the time wasters you work with, but I can see why you think it is a nightmare.

    I'm more or less stable now, started getting manic, then depressed, in 1984, not diagnosed until 1998, it took them years to find the right combo of meds for me but in the end they did and I'm now feeling really good; there is light at the end of the tunnel.  When I was depressed I used to try to remind myself of a famous quote, don't know who said it, that "even this shall pass".

    What meds are you on at the moment? and what have you tried? My anti-depressant is Citalopram 40mg in the morning, before that I was on Fluoxetine, although that didn't work for me.  Its just a question of trial and error.  One thing I would say though, is stick with the meds, despite any side effects and slow theraputic rate of action, if you can.

    I'm following your popst and wishing you all the best

    xxxxx

    • christine86835
      christine86835 Lizzie46881

      Posted

      Hi Lizzie

      Thank yoou for your reply.

      I've always been the same, no matter what has happened (apart from the one time I was signed off because I broke down in the GP surgery) I've somehow managed to go to work and do the job.

      I'm not on any medication at the moment. I've had Fluoxetine which worked for a bit but after a couple of months even an increased dosage wasn't working. 

      I kinda feel a bit of a failure when I end up on meds...Don't know why because it's just one of those things but I do.

      I sit at work (or anywhere really) and I feel nothing but tired and upset. I can't remember the last time I waas genuinely happy. I've faked smiles and laughter and appeared to be enjoying myself at parties etc but it's all made up... 

       

    • Lizzie46881
      Lizzie46881 christine86835

      Posted

      I know about faking happiness, in this society everyone expects you to be "happy" and "together", they can't cope with mental illness really, well most people.  Do you have anyone you can confide in who will truly understand? I was lucky and had a good frfeind and stuck by me when I opened up to her, I was hospitalised once for 5 weeks with bipolar and she bvisted me every day, gave me soemthing to hang on to.

      Don't feel any shame in taking meds, they are there to make us better.  My mum doesn't like me taking so many pills but I say to her that they keep me well and I feel no stigma about taking them - I wish I could beam across that feeling to you :-)

      Could you perhgaps go back to your gp and try to get a psychiatric freferral? I know getting these is harder than it was but gp's are not experts in mental health as a rule and just beacuse one anti-dep doesn't work, dopesn't mean another won't.

      Incidenatlly, I'm overweight too, obese actually, and have learnt to withstand the withering looks of people who judge, not to mention the dissaproval of some medical staff should know better.  I have a Christian faith and believe that God loves me just as I am.

      Keep posting if you want soemone to to talk to, I always try to reply as soon as possible but I live quite a busy life these days since recovery.

      xxxxx

    • christine86835
      christine86835 Lizzie46881

      Posted

      I have a friend who has depression and we do talk a bit but she's going through a rough time at the moment as well so I can't really put more on her. Hubby tries to understand but just can't really, no one in his family has depression.

      I've been to councillors before and all they do is keep bringing up the fact my mother abandoned me and that must be why I get depressed...Yeah right!

      I need to register with my new GP but I know the firt thing they will say is about my weight (which always makes you feel better doesn't it). I hate the way I look and hate the way people look at me but I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I don't want to be like this.....

      I'm glad you're doing well Lizzie, it's no mean feat getting through it

    • Lizzie46881
      Lizzie46881 christine86835

      Posted

      I found that taliking to others who were going though the same or similar things, actually made matters worse as we tended to magnify each other's symptoms.  I was once sent to a day centre for the mentally ill and all everyone did all day was talk about different ways to take on'e own life, it was no help at all.  Guess I was just lucky to have a friend who I could trust who didn't have menatl health problems.

      I would definitely urge you to take that step and register with your new gp, ignore any cutting comments or observations about your weight, its probably the depression that drives us to be overweight anyway as I for one always comfort ate and they should know that.

      I'm sending you the best vibes I can think of

      xxx

    • maggie80535
      maggie80535 Lizzie46881

      Posted

      Hi Lizzie.Your post made me feel so good too.What on earth was doc thinking sending you to mentally ill daycare.! I bet it was awful hearing what you did.I always find if you have doubts about something you are usually right and I bet you did but went along to  please your doc. I  have TN, which is facial neuralgia,with electric shocks in the mouth.I got your good vibes too! Best wishes
    • Lizzie46881
      Lizzie46881 maggie80535

      Posted

      Hi Maggie

      I'm so glad you felt my positive vibes, it was kind of you to tell me, so a big thank you.

      The day care centre was a disaster, it made me more depressed and I ended up being referred as an inpatient in the local psychiatric unit.  Fortunately I had a good psychiatrist who persisted with me until he found the right combo of meds.  I also have a great gp who is prepared to listen to me.  Only time he got a bit negative towards me was when I took a co-codamol overdose, but that's another story.  I'm happy now apart from my allergies, codeine free, and thats all that counts.

      More vibes coming your way  :-)

      Lizzie

      xxx

    • maggie80535
      maggie80535 Lizzie46881

      Posted

      Hi Lizzie. I am glad  all iIs well with you.You have a good friend a supportive doctor and psychiatrist.Last night I thought I would die from TN (Trigeminal Neuralgia) pain.,But I saw doc today and no pain and no depression.Also have a free MRI and a referral faxed to a neurosurgeon.My lady doc is so good.So I have my amiltryptiline which helps me sleep also.Thank you for replying as I do get a bit lonely at times and my cat is sick of my problems!LOL Never say die!Best wishes Maggie xoxoxoxoxoxo
    • Lizzie46881
      Lizzie46881 maggie80535

      Posted

      I'm sorry to hear you get lonely, would you like to exchange email addresses? I don't do private messaging on here but could switch it on briefly to send you my email address.

      I have a cat too and now share a house with that friend I told you about.

      Where in the world are you? I'm in the UK

      Lizzie

  • gwen1953
    gwen1953 christine86835

    Posted

    Hi Christine.  You sound both anxious and depressed. Firstly you need to speak to someone be it your GP, a counsellor or even the Samaritans at the situation you find yourself in. What does your partner/husband say about the situation. You say you have been trying to conscieve but all the time you are working such long hours and working for a degree it's not going to happen.  You have to ask yourself how important your job is....why can't you look on the internet at home and search for another? As for the degree, what subject is it and how long have you been studying.  You may find that you are doing the job you hate and studying hard but not achieving the marks is all too much.   Take a step back and re-assess the situation. Have a chat to the Samaritans and don't hold back.  Tell them everything that is happening and how it makes you feel. Please also do go to your GP. Medications have changed over the years and there may be something that you haven't tried before that could be of help to you now.

    There is always a way out. It's whether we are prepared to take the risks involved to find it.

    • christine86835
      christine86835 gwen1953

      Posted

      Hi Gwen

      My husband tries as best he can. He's a chef by trade so works all the hours. He's often worn out but is struggling to find another job. I'm in the situation where I am heavily relied on at work because I've been there so long and also at the point where I cannot find another job paying the same wage where they don't want experience that I don't have. Because we have a mortgage, bills, debts and my degree to pay for there is no way either of us can either quit to find something else or take a lower paid job in order to make things easier for us in the short term...We aren't prepared to lose the home we've worked so hard to get.

      I'm 4 years into an open degree with the open university. I've got the current module to finish then two others (finish in May 2017).

      The one issue with going to my GP is that they are often shut by the time hubby and I finish work (and don't open weekends obviously). Because they want you to go in in person to hand your forms in it's going to have to wait until I get a day off 

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