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Feeling hurt, used and unappreciated.

Posted , 7 users are following.

elizabeth20203
elizabeth20203

Hi guys,  I am feeling hurt because of my own family.  I had my grand children today, 3 1/2 and 14 months old.  I took them to the park and then to the next town on the bus.  It is not easy as i have walking difficulties but i enjoy the children.  I got back to theirs and needed a coffee so sat down for 10 minutes, realised the time and went to get the tea as their mum was due back from work.  My daughter got back and started shouting at me as i hadn't done their tea, it was not going to take long as it was going to be done in the microwave.  We had a lovely time and sat by a small waterfall in town and had snacks and juice, the kids were not crying with hunger.  My granddaughter was upset because mummy was shouting and saying nasty things to me.  I feel unappreciated and used as i am there for my family.  My other daughter didn't speak to me for 21/2 months, her and her partner threw me out of their house for no reason, my daughter said nasty things to me when her partner was upstairs so he didn't hear what she was saying and my daughter said untruths to him, he threw my shoes at me and said i was not welcome again.  Then i found out they had moved house 1 month after she moved.  I have not been invited there thou i know her sister and friends have been there.  I came home tonight and cryed because i feel hurt that i am treated this way.  I don't ask for nothing,  thou it would be nice if either of them offered to take me shopping occassionally as i struggle.  Through counselling over the years it was explained to me that because my father shouted a lot, said nasty things, even said he hoped i would die on a plane. He said i would be no good at anything, said nobody would ever love me, called me and my siblings b.......s and imbeciles, should never have been born and that he wanted to cripple me.  I have had problems with septic arthritis since aged 11 and he used to kick me in that knee saying i will cripple you and so on.... so when i am shouted at or critised, and nasty things said to me by my family i go back to the little girl  afraid of my father and feeling helpless, and the hurt is overwhelming.  It's like they know how to hurt me and it reignites my feelings from my childhood.  I feel like hurting myself thou i don't act on it.  I feel unloved and like i am being punished for something thou don't know what.  I do my best as a mother and grandmother.  I rarely post here as i like to help and encourage others here, but today i feel like i need to express my pain.   Here is a quote a friend sent me : The circumstances of your motherhood may be difficult, troublesome and confusing. Even so, there is a circumstance that superceded all the complexities of your life.  It is the simple truth that the one great, permanent circumstance in which you live is that you have been allowed to walk in newness of life as you are united to christ by faith through grace.  Our joy cannot be wrapped up in motherhood but only in God'.  I am a christian which is why this quote was sent  to me from a christian friend. 

2 likes, 16 replies

16 Replies

  • tony15730
    tony15730 elizabeth20203

    Posted

    If any of my kids spoke to their mum like that I would tell them where to go. Also, if she cannot respect you for looking after her kids I would tell her to find some respect or find another babysitter. End of. And as for shouting at a family member in front of her children that is not right either. I am very respectful to others and expect it in return. We all deserve to be treated with dignaty and respect. Treat others as you want others to treat you is my rule. 

    Sorry to hear that about your difficulties when you were young and I am glad you are in councilling as it will help.

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 tony15730

      Posted

      Thank you Tony. I know what you are saying is right but i am afraid if i say too much my daughter will stop me seeing the grandchildren and i couldn't bear that.  She did apologise by text later saying she was tired and had a bad day at work etc.  My other daughter as never apoligised and it's been 3 months now.  I treat others with respect and i am always willing to help anybody.  My daughters grew up without their dad because he commited suicide when they were 3 and 5 and i compensated by being too soft and wish i had been tougher with them.  They both treat others with respect it just seems to be me they have a problem with.  I don't have counselling now it was over the last few years.  I know now my father cannot hurt me as he died and i forgave him on his deathbed. I dealt with my husbands suicide, i  

      have learnt to accept he made the choice and i live with that.  It's now

      my daughters i struggle with.  I have no problm with anyone else such as friends so know i am not a horrible person.  I just want to be able to get on, i am not getting any younger and want some happiness with my family. I just don't know how to deal with them. Must get some sleep now.

      Elizabeth.

  • georgeGG
    georgeGG elizabeth20203

    Posted

    I do relay to your very grievous account. How very cruel. I am so sorry that anyone should be abused so. Sad to say it is not that uncommon. My own experience if far less grievous except one incident. I will not write more in open forum but will write a private message. I hope you may read it.
  • anne240
    anne240 elizabeth20203

    Posted

    Dear Elizabeth.  I feel your pain, and I am so very sorry that your own family treat you this way when you have been so helpful to them.  You have brought those two girls up single handed, and I cannot believe that they don't feel grateful for all you have done when they were growing up. They know you have problems with your mobility, and are in a pain, but they do sound selfish.

    You come here and have a moan to us.  It helps.  You are right, you always come here and give helpful advice to others, time you had some sympathy too.  It is nice to know people here understand. 

    Of course you are hurt and crying.  That is only natural.  You had a bad childhood too, and it seems all wrong that now you are being treated less than fairly by your daughters, especially when you had been looking after your grandchildren.  No please dont hurt yourself.  That is not the answer, but I understand you must be hurting a lot.

    We are your friends, so keep writing to us here.  We will help you through this as best we can.  You are not being punished, so don't think that Elizabeth. 

    I am thinking of you and I am so sorry you are hurting so much.

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 anne240

      Posted

      Hello Anne,  Thank you for your reply,  it does hurt when you bring your children up and you get abused for helping them.  I love looking after the grandchildren and that will always be,  but a little appreciation wouldn't go amiss.  She apoligised later by text.  Anyway i have a hospital appointment on Wed next week as they have brought it forward nearly 3 months and i will not be able to babysit all that day, she is going to be stuck so maybe she will realise.  I have offered to look after the kids from 8am till 12pm as i have to get two buses to hospital and two buses back.  She may appreciate me more if i am not readily available.  

      I hope your feeling okay and still getting about while you still can.  I am glad we have this forum it does help to know others are there to listen and support one another.

      Take care, speak again soon.

       

    • anne240
      anne240 elizabeth20203

      Posted

      My son usually only contact me when he wants me to sit his two children.  Not always, but I felt a bit neglected by him as he did not send me a Christmas card or a birthday card, and I did not see them over Christmas.  I gave the children their Christmas presents when my son had time to see me in February.  We don't row or anything, and I would never tell him how much I am hurt.  I know he and his wife have busy lives and shift work.  I know he would do things if I asked. 

      My daughter is my rock, thank goodness.  Seen me through years of depression.  My son did take me in once for a few days years ago before he had children because I cried out for help.  His wife has depression too, so he tries to understand, but finds it difficult. 

      I do hope you get some good news at the hospital.  Let us know how you get on.  Good that they brought the date forward. 

      You are right, you will be appreciated more by your daughter because you cannot sit the grandchildren. 

      Take care and I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

  • Karebare
    Karebare elizabeth20203

    Posted

    My heart goes out to you dear Elizabeth. You truly know life is not fair but should be very proud of your accomplishments.  To me I see a strong woman who has fought her entire life to be there and care for your loved ones. Being upset and crying does not make you a weak woman, it shows you are truly a loving Mother and Grandmother or it wouldn't hurt you so badly. Why does your daughter not take the morning off and take you to hospital? She would most certainly be able to return to work earlier if you didn't have to take 2 buses on return.

    As a christian I pray for you to find peace and for your children to find understanding for what their mother has gone through to help them grow up with a better and a loving parent who is still there for them even when they have abused you so horribly. I too have bitten my tongue many, many times over the years so I would not lose the joy of time with my grandchildren.

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 Karebare

      Posted

      Sorry i am a bit late with my reply,  i forgot to get back to you and was just going through my e.mails and realised.  Things have eased a bit with my daughter, she actually paid for me to have a taxi to hers to babysit the children when i had to get there early. I was also invited for a chip shop tea one night so i think she has thought about things.  I understand that we as grandmothers we do have to bite our tounges at times.

      I hope your well.

      Best wishes.

      Elizabeth. 

    • Karebare
      Karebare elizabeth20203

      Posted

      Dear, dear Elizabeth. I haven't been on here in a while. Fell into quite a funk and couldn't muster up to do much of anything. I just started Intensive Outpatient and so far I am doing pretty well. Today I just couldn't get myself together enought to go but have high hopes for tomorrow.  I'm glad to hear your daughter may be finally coming around to some understanding.  This is HUGE!! I went to my youngest grandchilds first birthday party on Sunday and it was very nice. My son and daughter-in-law treated me very well.  I actually stayed for 7 hours. It wasn't super easy for me to do that.  You know the whole get out of bed and get dressed and actually go somewhere thing, but I am actually kind of proud of myself for doing it.  It has to be difficult for others to redirect their thinking to try to understand what is going on. I hope things continue to go in such a positive way for you. I look forward to hearing about your progress so please continue on this string so I can catch what is going on with you...positive or not.
  • barbara03922
    barbara03922 elizabeth20203

    Posted

    Hi Elizabeth,I think it may be time to join some clubs wth people outside your family. Where you can meet simllar types of people as yourself. Maye through your local Church or day classes. I think you need to build more of a life for yourself away from your family, I know your family mean everything to you but they do not appreciate you. So if you have other things to do you can not always be at their beck and call. Family relationships are complicated because of inter family dynamics. At the end of the day Elizabeth your daughters behaviour has hurt and upset you. She;s being a bully and you know you have to stand up to bullies.
    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 barbara03922

      Posted

      Hello Barbara,  I am trying to have a life and it is so difficult because i have mobility problems and i don't drive.  I joined 3 local meet ups in the area and they have all stoped running now.  We have nothing here no cinema,  just pubs.  I am still in a meet up group but it's over 15 miles away so i am limited as i can only go on day events.  There is no transport in the evenings.  I did belong to a church but never got invited anywhere as couples met couples, pensioners met pensioners and there was nobody in my age group who wasn't married.  Also because i cannot work i felt like i was socially inadequate, i din't feel accepted.  I am trying to fiind other things to do.  Thanks for your reply.  

      Elizabeth.

  • katz31
    katz31 elizabeth20203

    Posted

    Elizabeth, I am so sorry your daughter can

    Speak to you that way!! I would give

    ANYTHING to have my mum back (she

    Passed two years ago) you deserve so

    Much more.

    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 katz31

      Posted

      Hello Katz,  I am sorry your mum passed away.  I thiink my girls just take all their frustrations out on me, not fair i know.  I am seeing the eldest on Thursday as it's her birthday on Friday, i hope it goes okay.  

      Elizabeth.

  • barbara03922
    barbara03922 elizabeth20203

    Posted

    Hi Elizabeth, you sound as if you live in a country area. Is there WI anywhere near you ? I'm thinking that maybe someone from a group could give you a lift to a meeting. I'm surprised about how the Church events have turned out because there are normally far more women than men that go to these events. You could think of setting up a book club. You put a notice in the local shops or even on lamp posts and you choose a book to read and then meet up to share opinions on it. It's important for you to find some way to socialise because being on your own a lot does cause you to loose confidence.How about going into your local junior school as a volunteer to help listen to the young children read.
    • elizabeth20203
      elizabeth20203 barbara03922

      Posted

      Hello Barbara,  I don't live in the Country,  it's a town but we have no facilities,  thou we are having a cinema built, not ready till christmas.  We have had no cinema for 20 years, nearest is 10 miles away and you need a car to get there.  I am not allowed to do any work paid or not because i am on the sick.  I spent 10 years doing voluntary work. I do belong to a meet up thou it is 15 miles away and can attend some events in the daytime and cannot go on the walks so i am limited to the coffee or lunch meet ups.  Mobility is my main problem as getting about is not easy. 

      Elizabeth.

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