Feeling lost

Posted , 6 users are following.

I haven't been on here for a long time. My depression has gotten worse. In May I got real sick and it turned into a disease and I almost died. After two surgeries they saved my life but I lost my colon. I don't know the forum for that help but I'm feeling so lost.

I can't work. I feel I'm letting my daughter now 14 down. She was 13 when i got sick. I feel she's embarrassed of me. We have been through a lot.

A divorce from abusive husband a year ago. Gail bladder surgery before that. Then two surgeries and seeing me out of my mind just breaks my heart.

She stayed with a friend for over a month.

I can't remember things right and she gets upset with me. I try to have fun when out and she always tells me to stop and be quiet. I'm not doing anything bad or around people. It hurts. It really makes me wish I died in June.

Walking hurts. The strength hasn't come back. It gets me really upset. After the divorce things were suppose to get better but it just keeps getting worse.

My job didn't last long. It was causing PTSD attacks and anxiety attacks.

I feel worthless. I'm not whole anymore and no one would want me or hire me. One friend will get together with me. But we talk about our exs which helps but I just want to talk about anything else.

Daughter and I learned not to speak because we were afraid of him but he's gone and things haven't changed much. At first it was better then it got real bad. Major attitude and disrespect. I fought to live. But I'm sick of living this way.

I get confused. I forget things. I can't get out of my depression and with both of us with it it's hard. Both have PTSD and panic attacks.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Trying to sake things to have money. I don't drive. I'm not working. If I fall I can bleed to death on blood thinners. My legs hurt when I go walking. It hurts so bad I just want to stay in my chair and never go out.

I know my daughter loves me but her behavior makes me so worthless. I'm lost.

I have thought and almost took handful of pills but didn't do it.

I'm tired of my daughters disrespect. She has admitted to lying about things and for eight years I don't think she knows how to stop it. So I never know what's true or a lie. She lied to keep our family together but it cost be a hurt shoulder and her an almost broken jaw.

I can't myself to do anything. I'm always lost and down. I want to do something but I just can't get it done.

I'm sick of the ostomsy issues that I was having but so far things have gotten better.

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8 Replies

  • Posted

    Dear, dear Lori......

    Please, please, please see your GP today .....

    You desperately need help for your deep depression ( your daughter also )....I understand you being so low, my father had the same massive operation...and it took him a very long time to recover....

    You have so many other worries on top as well, you feel ill...no energy...family problems....you truly NEED SUPPORT FROM YOUR GP....AND A SPECIALIST NURSE AND COUNSELLING..SERVICES....

    your daughter needs help also, as much as you....

    Please call today....in my heart xxx thoughts xxx and prayers xxx

    Dee xxxxxx

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    • Posted

      HI. Sent gp a message. I got a reply but haven't opened it.

      I know I need more counseling but I don't drive and don't have much money to keep spending money on the bus. Plus people are rude to me. They give dirty looks for using a walker. I get around the house fine without it but going for long walks outside I need the walker. I get tired and weak. My legs sometimes give out under me when I'm walking.

      Most bus drivers are great at putting the ramp out others are annoyed.

      How long did it take your dad to recover? I had surgery one June 1 and then June 6 was the second one. Doctor just says it will take time but I want to go do stuff without being tired and hurting.

      I see my gp every month due to blood clots in my legs. So I'm on blood thinners and have to go every month to check the numbers. It in itself is frustrating because it works at the right number for awhile then it drops to much or goes up.

      I ended up sick in April which meant antibiotics two rounds. By end of May I was so sick I couldn't walk much at home.

      ER kept me but let my daughter go home. Yes she was sick too. They took me to a floor I remember part of the night but I was told by my daughter I had been there for a few days before they took me to ICU. She told me that she came to visit me but I didn't recognize her. She was only 12. In ICU I had a bad reaction and thought I was trapped in a building that turned to be a cult. They wouldn't let me or my daughter go but I was able to get them to let her go if j stayed. It was so scared. Daughter saw me at my worse. I know now it was the illness but I can't get over that horrible feeling. At first I wasn't sure if it was real until I asked a friend who saw me then too. I was pulling the tubes out. I was out of my mind. Never got answers why. It's scary not remember days of your life.

      Lucky for me I wasn't put on a list for causing trouble. The CNA's and nurses were great.

      I always have a lot on my plate and I just hope one day it's not so full of sadness. I had my gallbladder out the year before. Plus other medical illnesses that my daughter had to step up to the plate. Husband wasn't helpful most of the time. We got divorced November 2015 the day after my birthday. Great gift. Then for my daughter 14 birthday she had to go to court the day after hers too to tell the judge she doesn't want to she her father. He robbed me of a good shoulder.

      I really don't know how many more illnesses I can take. I have had my share. No support by family. Ex turned them against us. And I just can't deal with them believing his lies over blood. I got one friend that is always there for us. Daughter has great friends and a counselor but hasn't gone since July court outcome. She said you got what you wanted so not much I can help you with. What about her attacks of panic. Sorry getting off topic.

      I was seeing a counselor it was helping at times. But I got sick. Program ended that I was in and do did counseling. Program gave me a bus pass so seeing a counselor wasn't a problem.

      I just turned 46 in November and I can't believe my life is this way. Three days going out to do errands and today I just can't go out again.

      It's been cold and wet here in Oregon.

      I gave finally been given a bag that doesn't leave my skin raw and doesn't leak. I don't feel for leaks when I wake up anymore. I rub my eyes first again like a normal person.

      Ex was on meds for depression when he hurt me. So I'm scared of them. Plus he was in counseling. My childhood and marriage hunts be and all the bad illnesses. It's been so unreal. My daughter will always remember her mom being sick and it's not fair.

      Thanks.

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  • Posted

    Hello

    Sorry about your fears and concerns. I am concerned however that you may do something you would regret

    If you need help and are so low call NHS HELPLINE on Tel 111 and explain how you feel and the urgency of your situation. They will triage and can arrage visits from The Crisis Team and remove you to a place of safety. The same applies to your daughter.

    It is important that you talk with your GP so make an appointment  for ASAP. Try getting a double appointment. Write down a list of your fears and concerns your Depression is very raw and you need help. The list will help you not miss anything out and will save time as you explain your condition.

    Keep a hold

    B.

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    • Posted

      Hi. I sent gp a message. I see him once a month to check my blood clot numbers. It's hard to talk about how miserable I am when I'm there or I forget.

      I will try to write things down for the doctor. That's why they gave a message system. I gig an answer but I scared to check it. I don't want to go on meds. My husband was on meds and seeing a counselor when he damaged my shoulder. After almost a year I couldn't take it and he was arrested. So depression meds scare me.

      My daughter and I are alone a dealing the best we can but its not easy. I have a lot of resentment to my family and ex. I gave been sick more years of my daughters life then any mom should be. Lost colon to an illness that turned into a disease. Lucky it wasn't cancer.

      I just don't know how much more we can take. Ex is leaving us alone but he dies that for awhile and then he causes problems and I gave to fix things.

      My cats are my best medicine. Except when they are driving me crazy getting into trouble. I only gave six of them. Lol!

      I feel I embarrass my daughter when we are out. I try to have fun or speak and she hushes be or tell me to stop. I'm doing nothing to embarrass her just trying to have fun over the pain I get.

      When I was her age I had to take care of my mom and sister. Other sister left. We both went through a divorce in seventh grade. Never wanted this for her but it happened. But I didn't gave to deal with my mom having surgeries and almost dying like she did.

      It's just been so hard to hard.

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  • Posted

    You are such a lovely person . Never lose hope. Always have faith even if test is tough. Remain in positive spirit, strength will slowly return as one of my friend underwent similar surgery . Though it may take few more months . Please be happy and know that you are loved.
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    • Posted

      Having faith is to hard anymore. I fought to come home to my daughter and cats. But it just keeps getting worse.

      I can't pay my bills. I have asked for help and we will see. No one checks on us except one friend. No family cares. It's just me my daughter and our six cats. People say get read of them but they are my babies. Plus they help. The only faith love I know. It's hard for me to believe anyone can love me.

      I even have a hard time hearing those words from my own daughter. And I can't say then back much anymore for I gave let her down.

      When people keep turning their back on you it's hard to believe love is real.

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  • Posted

    Dear lori73442 - Please know and remember that you are a valuable person and a WHOLE person.  The fact that you have survived your trials shows that there is more for you to do, and a future, even if you feel discouraged now.  As far as your daughter, one word: Teenager. Remember what that was like?  Don't take her behavior too personally!

    There is a book called, 'My Grandfather's Blessings', written by Rachel Naomi Remen.  She has struggled with Crohn's disease for most of her life. The book is uplifting, with positive stories that help to remind people of their wholeness, just for being human.  I hope that you will look it up, at a library or bookstore.

    Things will get better...it takes time to heal.

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    • Posted

      Actually I don't recall bring a normal teenager. From seventh grade on I took care of my mom and older sisters. I worked went to school took care of the house and did the cooking etc. so no I don't recall being a teenager like my daughter. Today's teenagers aren't like my generation at all. Plus my mom wouldn't let me sleep all day. If was different.

      I let her sleep in because she doesn't sleep well. Sometimes it's four am when she falls asleep and then up at six for school. So on her days off I let her sleep. She has gotten to the point she sleeps heavy and sleeps through alarms. I hope the door and that is what wakes her up. Which worries me that the door opening makes her scared enough to wake up. My ex became abusive.

      I gave heard so many lies I don't know what to believe anymore. Daughter kept that she was scared from her father for six years before it got bad enough that I couldn't do it anymore. He was on depression meds and hurt my shoulder and he hurt her jaw. Of course claiming it was an accident. I just can't trust words anymore. I had it with the lies. Daughter and ex admitted they were faking being happy. I tried to be the fixer like I did as a kid. It didn't work. It just got worse between them. I told them you fix it. They just faked things around me. Daughter knew I wanted a happy family since I didn't have one as a kid. I always told her to speak up if someone hurts you. She kept it from me so I was happy. I can't be happy if she was miserable.

      I try to be happy now but the bad stuff keeps getting in. I know she loves me but I thought he did and it was all lies from the letter he left for daughter. My moms love had conditions to them. I was in ICU when I got a postcard from her. It wasn't nice. Blaming me for us not bring a family. She stopped wanting to be around unless it was me and my daughter then she took stuff out on me. I then told her it's all three of us or none of us. She picked none of us but it's done how my fault. She turned family against me for she can't do anything wrong. When all three of your kids stop talking to you who's fault is it. My ex turned my other side of my famiky against us. So we gave each other and our cats. Since I gave replied to the messages Isxar hasn't left my lap. He hates it when I cry.

      Sent Doctor a message and hot message back afraid to look at it. He always says it will take time.

      Just been through to much in my life. To many illnesses I have gone through in my daughters life time. Three surgeries in two years. To much if you ask me.

      In bed tricks and to learn yo handle things better. I can just keep shutting down or get bad or just say nothing. But none of them fixes things. Daughter learns from me and ex examples and we didn't do her any favors handling things.

      I'm just loss and I'm sick of it.

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