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I'm 30 year old female.
I was a Bartender for 9 years and drank very heavily but mainly socially. At the age of about 27-28 I started really becoming physically dependent. I blacked out almost nightly.
I was self medicating for Anxiety, PTSD, depression, panic disorder, and possible BPD that started at the age of 13.
I landed myself in the ER at the end of 2013 after quitting my bartending job due to constant panic attacks.
I binged after a fight with my boyfriend and had an attack of shaking, vomiting, tachycardia, and I thought I was going to pass out (while pretty much sober).
I was detoxed and then relapsed a few weeks later.
I was up to 2 - 3 bottles of wine per day. Pretty much never sober. Lots of physical symptoms - insomnia - panic attacks - vomiting - weight gain - red skin - rapid heart rate - sweating - bowl issues - no appetite - constantly dehydrated.
I landed in the ER again (tachycardia, elevated liver levels, etc.) April 2015.
I managed to stay sober for 3 months and I felt wonderful.
I was eating, losing weight, exercising and only taking 1/8th of a Valium once a day when I would get anxiety before going out into public.
Then my Grandmother landed in the ER and almost died ...
And I relapsed.
Back to my old ways in a matter of a few weeks.
A few months ago I got a kidney infection and when I had an MRI in the ER it showed evidence of fatty liver.
Got antibiotics and was let out.
I then had a PAP smear and was told I need to come in because my cells are abnormal and it could be cancerous. I'm terrified.
Now I am finally in therapy.
I'm scared to go to a rehab since I have medi-cal and the ones that take it are basically full of insane crack heads and I already have a huge amount of social anxiety. I would few much safer detoxing in the hospital.
I'm up to three bottles of champagne a day.
I'm SICK of being sick.
I just can't bring myself to go back to the ER and I'm worried that it will take another horrible attack or tragedy to get me back in.
I want to get sober. I'm just so scared. I know I'm killing myself.
I live with my boyfriend who has been my enabler and I don't have friends or family. My mother is a terrible alcoholic as well. I became very isolated over the last few years not working.
Just really needed to get my story out there and get some feedback. Thanks for listening. Alcoholism is a terrible condition and while I have hope of healing in the future - it's hard to stay positive when you're in the middle of the storm. I keep thinking to myself - how the hell did I get here???
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