Feeling Lost - need some advice (Alcoholism).

Posted , 15 users are following.

I'm 30 year old female.

I was a Bartender for 9 years and drank very heavily but mainly socially. At the age of about 27-28 I started really becoming physically dependent. I blacked out almost nightly.

I was self medicating for Anxiety, PTSD, depression, panic disorder, and possible BPD that started at the age of 13.

I landed myself in the ER at the end of 2013 after quitting my bartending job due to constant panic attacks.

I binged after a fight with my boyfriend and had an attack of shaking, vomiting, tachycardia, and I thought I was going to pass out (while pretty much sober).

I was detoxed and then relapsed a few weeks later.

I was up to 2 - 3 bottles of wine per day. Pretty much never sober. Lots of physical symptoms - insomnia - panic attacks - vomiting - weight gain - red skin - rapid heart rate - sweating - bowl issues - no appetite - constantly dehydrated.

I landed in the ER again (tachycardia, elevated liver levels, etc.) April 2015.

I managed to stay sober for 3 months and I felt wonderful.

I was eating, losing weight, exercising and only taking 1/8th of a Valium once a day when I would get anxiety before going out into public.

Then my Grandmother landed in the ER and almost died ...

And I relapsed.

Back to my old ways in a matter of a few weeks.

A few months ago I got a kidney infection and when I had an MRI in the ER it showed evidence of fatty liver.

Got antibiotics and was let out.

I then had a PAP smear and was told I need to come in because my cells are abnormal and it could be cancerous. I'm terrified.

Now I am finally in therapy.

I'm scared to go to a rehab since I have medi-cal and the ones that take it are basically full of insane crack heads and I already have a huge amount of social anxiety. I would few much safer detoxing in the hospital.

I'm up to three bottles of champagne a day.

I'm SICK of being sick.

I just can't bring myself to go back to the ER and I'm worried that it will take another horrible attack or tragedy to get me back in.

I want to get sober. I'm just so scared. I know I'm killing myself.

I live with my boyfriend who has been my enabler and I don't have friends or family. My mother is a terrible alcoholic as well. I became very isolated over the last few years not working.

Just really needed to get my story out there and get some feedback. Thanks for listening. Alcoholism is a terrible condition and while I have hope of healing in the future - it's hard to stay positive when you're in the middle of the storm. I keep thinking to myself - how the hell did I get here???

5 likes, 33 replies

33 Replies

  • Posted

    I really want to respond to you right now as I feel for you so much but I'm just going away for a couple of days, I'll write properly when I get back but I just wanted you to know you're not alone and you can get your life back, hang in there xxx
  • Posted

    Well, you make me feel better about myself, I don't feel half as bad about what I have been through.

    There are two things/maybe three, that you have to tackle.

    One, is immediate detox, you are on the way to killing yourself, believe me, I should know, that had to detox me in hospital when I was in for a stroke, first thing I knew I had been detoxed was about three months later in a letter from my neuro consultant, who happened to mention it. Up until then, I was a happy drinker, that never had a problem getting up or working. It took me a year before I had a relapse and then had to go cold turkey, not nice.

    Go to your GP (doctor) and home detox, I take it from your use of the language that you are American rather than British, is so, I'm not so au fait with their system. If going to the doctor is not an option because of the different system, tell us what are the options.

    Then you need a change of mindset, that might be self discipline or through a group, a proper group, not one of those happy clappy groups.

    You may need to go away for a while, to break the link that is bonding you to alcohol. It is a substitute for something and you have to find out what that is. It may be general depression, or you use it as a crutch to escape from any difficult situation. If it is the latter, there really is only one solution to that, and this may sound harsh, but you would have to MTFU, to pull through, or risk going under.

    Most on here, like myself, are not condescending, we have been through it ourselves.

  • Posted

    Have a look into The Sinclair Method, Slowburnstar. It's the most effective treatment option available in the world today and is a medical treatment, not a psychological one. You will see a lot of talk about it on this forum and about the drugs used for it, Nalmefene (Selincro) and Naltrexone.
  • Posted

    Dear Slowburnstar,

    First off I've been there. 2nd congratulations on being a survivor, making an effort and reaching out for help. I tried Detox (nightmare with Heroin addicts in my room stealing my belongings..I checked myself out) I had some success with Naltrexone after reading the Sinclair Method in 2007 but it didn't stick. My advice is go online and read about high dose Baclofen, get on it and see what happens. It works for a lot of people and a nice side effect is that it calms anxiety but is nonaddictive. If you are one of the lucky 78% (I believe, don't quote me on that) you will go from 3 bottles a day to not giving a Sh*t about alcohol.

    Baclofen is a miracle drug for alcohol sufferers. Best of luck

  • Posted

    Alcoholism IS a horrible condition.

    I am an alcoholic...ended in hospital over a month ago...very sick...seizures, dehydration (7 Intravenous bags of fluids put in my vein)...pancreatitis...live enzymes raised...kidney function affected.

    AND...yes, I have also been out of work for the past 1.5 years and the alcoholism and isolation has gotten much worse.

    You may look at your mother and think...WELL I'm not that bad yet....that is the disease talking to you....I can tell from reading your post - you are very close to being THAT BAD.

    The fact that you are reaching out shows you have fear about your health. sad

    You really need to find the strength...to go to the hospital and tell them you need to detox from alcohol.  That is what I did...I really didn't want to go to hospital..but I felt like I was dying.

    They did tell me with the significant dehydration that my ORGANS were being affected and if I hadn't gone in...I had maybe 1-2 more days to LIVE.

    We deprive our bodies of necessary nutrition and most importantly WATER intake. Our bodies need water to function.  I drank 27 days straight...no water....no food...no showers....

    It doesn't take long for our organs to get affected. Doesn't matter your age..If you are having these significant problems now...I can promise you it only gets worse.

    I wish we could drink like others...but we can't.  For me it has become a time of life or death.....drink or live.

    It will become that choice for you as well...because it is just a fact that alcoholism is progressive...never gets better unless we stop all together.

    Please find the strength to get to a hospital and find out your current medical condition..it may scare you enough (as it did for me)...for you to quit.

    This always gets better or worse..never stays the same.  If you can stop it gets better..if you can't...it only gets worse.

    Best of luck and many hugs to you

  • Posted

    High slow burner I know exactly how you are feeling I was like that myself 8 years ago probably a bit worse my liver was practically shot altogether I could not stop drinking through all kinds of problems but mainly because I was alcoholic and did not know it. today I am different and have not had a drink in those 8 years One day at a time. how? In desperation I went to Alcoholics Anonymous and that literally saved my life. If you really do wish to stop drinking I know I can help you through my local AA group. So give me contact details and join us on the road to recovery when you are ready love Rob 2741
  • Posted


    You've made a big step by putting it all out there.  I must say that what you've written shows that you are lucid and intelligent enough to confront your demons.  You can overcome this illness!  I'm battling the same foe with Selincro.  You're much younger than me and have so much to look forward to in life.  Good luck and stay strong!!!


  • Posted

    Hi there, it's so easy to get into but so so hard to get out of.  I am an alcoholic too and am desperate to stop so I am here for my little girl, she is four I am 42 but I can't seem to do it.  I am only drinking at nights now, do you drink at night or all day? A couple of people have suggested selincro or the Sinclair method, it sounds like it's really worth a try.

    You have taken a big step by going to therapy and talking on here too.

    You are only 30 and have a long life in front of you, make changes now so you can enjoy it.

    I have only been talking on here for a few days and I am scared of getting worse again and am really going to try and have a "dry night" tomorrow. 

    Lots of people recover from this. 

    Good luck.

  • Posted

    Try to sober up. You are not alone. People here will help you out. Keep us posted on your progress. I quit (again) almost 2 weeks ago. Going through the most terrible withdrawal symptoms ever. Permanent migraine headache, high fever, chills, jitters, panic, nausea just to name a few. Anyways cold turkey is a nightmare especially knowing my cure is being sold on the corner right down the block. The endless nights I feel like I'm having a stroke or embolia. Good luck
    • Posted

      You are doing so well, especially as it's so close to you, so that's progress. Just think if have another "session" you have to go through all this again, you are so strong for being sober, battle through, we all here for you.

      i am going to try a " dry night" tomorrow.

      Good luck to you.

  • Posted

    My advice is hold on a few months.  When the Bacloville results will be out, you might get access through your doctor to the only drug which has shown real effect on me - baclofen.  It simply stops me wanting alcohol.  End of story.

    No mea culpa, no psycotherapy, no will power.  Just a pill. Check it out as it seems to me you have nothing to loose.

    Good luck. 

    • Posted

      I would really like to know what dose worked for you. I can buy it over the counter in the Middle East so am self medicating and am currently on 30mg x 3 daily. So far no effect. As it's quite expensive would like to know how far to take it before I should know it is, or isn't working! Thanks.
    • Posted

      Hi Terrie

      copting my response to Sophie in the hope that one of you will reply smile

      I would really like to know what dose worked for you. I can buy it over the counter in the Middle East so am self medicating and am currently on 30mg x 3 daily. So far no effect. As it's quite expensive would like to know how far to take it before I should know it is, or isn't working! Thanks.

    • Posted


      you are very lucky to be able to get it over the counter, most people in search of Dr's to prescribe it stateside have a really hard time..

      You have to keep going up on your dose until you hit your switch  The British Journal of Medicine posted a prescribing guide online.

      Some people it takes 140, some 270, some 400. Everyone is different.

      Have you read Heal thyself bty Ameisen? 

      Just don't give up, especially not because of cost, when and if it works it is worth every penny.

      Emis Moderator comment: I have removed the text that was copied and pasted here as the formatting meant it didn't make sense. I have added a link below to the article but let me know if this isn't correct.


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