Feeling nothing

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19 year old female. For the past 13 years my life has been an absolute mess. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 8. My abused started when I was 6 and ended when I was 8. My abuser was sentenced to 10 years. In those years I was an on and off mess. I've never fully recovered from this abuse. 

My abuser was released from prison 2 days before my high school graduation. My life has been a mess since then. My social anxiety in high school has turned into health anxiety and depression. I fear death. I'm scared about my health and I fear everything. I even fear that my abuser will find me. I fear absolutely everything. I'd rather lay in bed all day and I do.. but I also wish I had enough balls to get the hell out of my house. 

I want to feel normal and I want to be happy so bad. I have no passion. I have no idea why I'm in college. I barely graduated high school and I feel like my life is pointless. I fear I may die at any moment from illness or anything. I don't want to live in fear. I have zero motivation. 

I don't know why I'm posting. I would've posted more if I felt comfortable doing so. My past life has been s****y. I see no hope but I want to live. I hope I have a future and that it will be better. I just needed to get this off my chest. No one around me understands. 

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  • Posted

    Hi Sydnie.I'm 54 and been battling depression/anxiety/IBS for 20 years.It really was just IBS/anxiety for most of those years and only recently the depression.So i thought.After talking with my counsoler or now for the first time a psyc doc it appears I may have had the depression off and on during that entire time.However because of several factors the depression has taken hold and i  have no motivation alot,also want to lay in bed but the meds and my brain crank up the anxiety and I have to move.Occasionally I get a panic attack which never happened before.My way of slowly starting to get out of it was a many pronged attack.I have always believed in God and was doing the religious thing:going to church,helping out wth outreach.praying,etc but I had lost the fire.I was just doing it because"it was the right thing to do".Since this has happened I have really gotten closer to Him even though I'm not going to church(but am looking for another one that renews my fire) alot of prayer,reading the Bible discussing with friends and family who are "into" God about things.I started seeing a psc doc who basically just gives me meds but it still is helping a little.I have a counsoler I've seen off and on for 10 years who is fantastic.She is a person who is willing to talk about anything and if you believe in God she  doesn't look at it as a problem like some counsolers do and if you don't believe in God she is still good with that too.The reason I say that is some counsolers look as God as the problem or part of the problem because it causes you guilt,etc.I try and do stuff with friends and family even if I don't feel like it just to be around people.That's a key because the more you are alone the more you can think and the more you get depressed.I know it's hard but go out when you can.You may not even really enjoy it but it gives you a break from being trapped.Find one or two real close people you can spill your guts to,so to speak and are there for you to talk to.Get food you like to eat that you may not normally eat,just to reward yourself.It's not easy.I won't lie but if you do different things to get you going in time things will start to look better.When i"m alone I talk alot to God  and pray(actually beg) for this to be taken from me,but I know it is a process and that He has a plan in the long run.Now this is just me talking for what works for me.What works for you may be totally different,i don't know.But at least for me ,I HAVE to believe there is something better than this life and that each day I have another chance.Some days I don't think so,but I keep going.Just one more day,just one more day.You can do it.Take it one day at a time, and at least with me, I have hope that tomorrow will/can be better and sometimes it is,sometimes not.I'll be praying for you.Remember hope is the best thing we have!God Bless You,Bob

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    • Posted

      Thank you so much for your kind reply. I'm trying my very best but I feel like I'm wasting my young years. I just want to be like a regular teenager. My two roommates one being my partner and one being my girlfriend of 4 years.. they give me a lot of support. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for them. They invest their time in learning about depression and anxiety and try to help me the best they can. I always feel like I'm holding them back because I never want to do anything. I agree that going out does take my mind off of things. My stress headaches disappear and I laugh more. I'll definitely try to do so more often. It's so draining trying to force myself to be happy. And I don't have a religion. It's not that I don't believe in god it's just that im not well informed on the religion and I have no idea who I am or what I believe in or what I want to be. It's a daily struggle but I know and hope it will get better. Thank you again for your very kind reply. It's nice to know I'm not alone and someone is taking their time to listen. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Sydnie.Sorry it took so long to see how your doing.Don't worry about how long it takes to find yourself.I'm 54 and still trying to figure it out.Thought I did and then either found out I hadn't or I had it and lost it for "fool's gold" so to speak.I had a horrible day yesterday and finally just fell on the floor weeping and asking God to help me that I could not go on.Then it hit me or should I say He did that for many years my mother was in very great mental and physical anguish/pain and I lived with her and took care of her but we did not have a good relationship for many reasons,so I was rarely there for her because of work ,helping others,going out,etc.But I used those as a reason to keep away from her and she suffered alone(she didn't/wouldn't go anywhere with family or friends,only me).It hit me I was becoming the same situation to the point I'm sleeping on the same couch as her!(I have trouble sleeping in a bed because of sleep apnea,possibly.I'm going for a sleep test soon) She died in 2006 but I just now realized it last night.I had a lot of unresolved issues with her ,deep down and they finally came to the surface last night and I asked for forgiveness for that and many other things I hadn't realized and I feel much better.Then to top it off I was talking with my cousin who has pain/burning constantly in her legs and she had a real bad day yesterday as well.Then it hit me.We are all a miracle.Now i'm not talking about whether it involves God or not(I believe 100% it does).Just from a stand point the odds we are even born.Think about it.Not to get to graphic,but when your mom and dad conceived you it had to be one out  of millions or tens of millions of sperm to fertilize that egg to be you.And it had to be that exact sperm cell at that exact moment!! Even though all the cells contain 99.999% of the same info each one makes you different.All you have to do is look at any brothers and sisters that had the same parents and they're all different.Same parents,same cells,same DNA but look,act,are different.So it had to be that EXACT moment that your parents had intercourse and that EXACT cell to create you.Think of the odds!!! Then it gets crazier because your parents had to meet and get together.What if  they had met someone else instead.Then the same thing goes for you grandparents to conceive your parents,then your great grandparents,etc.,etc.,back to as far as you can think of!You get the idea.The odds that each one of us even exist at all just scientifically or whatever you want to call it(again to me that proves even more there is a God) has to be trillions times trillions considering all the possible combinations!! So each one of us is special!! You here it all the time,but until it hit me last night while I was talking to my cousin I had either forgotten or in all the depression/anxiety over the last few months I didn't realise it.Truly realise it! I believe it was God telling me what I finally could accept,as I wasn't willing to until then.But if you don't believe,it still is amazing we even exist.To me,no matter what,WE ARE ALL MIRACLES.I hope this is a start to a good place for me.Hope this does for you as well.Remember one day at a time! God Bless You,Bob

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    • Posted

      Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. My girlfriend suggested I delete apps that allow me to symptom search. I kept this out of my post but I suffer from health anxiety to an extreme. When I posted this I genuinely believed I was dying of a brain tumor. So it helped me a lot by getting off the Internet. You have a beautiful way of thinking and thank you so very much for taking the time out of your day to make such a meaningful reply. I am doing much better. I just went on a vacation to Texas (I live in the U.S) and it helped me a lot. I no longer lay in bed everyday. I go out a lot more with my roommates. I don't disbelieve in God or the Bible but I am just someone who doesn't think that me being gay for example will automatically send me to hell. I prayed everyday while I was in bed. I've had miracles happen. I prayed for my little cousin who had no chance of living after birth and she is now 5 years old and living a happy life. I do believe in a higher power and I believe that is the reason I got through my manic episode. I have come to terms that life is messy and hell maybe one day I will get sick and die (top fear) but I have to live everyday to the fullest. Thank you so much for your insight. It means a lot coming from someone who has a lot of life experience. Mental disorders run through my family. I have no dad and my manic grandma isn't around. My mother is my only supporter and she has no mental disorders so it is very hard to talk to my family. I have faith in myself. I have no idea what the heck I'm doing right now but I have faith that one day I will. Thank you again for taking the time to help me. 

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    • Posted

      Hi Sydnie.Well I guess I beat you for longest reply time!! Hope all is well with you.I've been doing somewhat better though it is still somewhat hit or miss.I, like you, am starting to do things instead of just laying around feeling hopelessness and despair.It is a real battle but God is opening up my life after it was broken down.I don't think He breaks you down,we sorta do that to ourselves with help from the enemy,but He uses it to get us to a point where it's just Him and us and we lean into Him and He starts rebuilding us.The problem is we tend to get in the way! A lot.At least I do.Like the saying goes "let go and let God".I live in the US as well, in Ohio.Also if anyone who claims to be a Christian is judging you and saying you're going to hell for any reason,is well, not very Christian.Jesus says very clearly,"Judge not lest ye be judged by the same standard you judge others.Only the Father in heaven has the power to judge and His judgement is true".The truth is we all sin and fall short but you know what, that's why Jesus died for us.And it's not for anyone to say what is or is not the right thing that's something that is between you and God.He will show you the way if you just listen for Him.I believe that when we face God that although we may be shown our life and feel bad about all the things we did wrong or worse things we could've done but didn't(yikes that one already makes me feel bad!) if we have a soft heart,I mean like a pure heart for others and ourselves and feel bad about our mistakes,sins or whatever, that because of Jesus's sacrifice and our contrite heart, He will forgive us and welcome us home.I really would love to have a biggg hug from The Father.Man that will be so cool!! There are a lot of times I wish I could have one now and you know what He probably does hug us all the time we just don't realise it.Sorry to get so deep.It's just one heart reaching to another,I guess.We are all in this together and need to care more about each other,because man is it SO easy to be selfish.Too easy.Too bleepin easy.Well let me get off the battered soapbox I'm on and just say hang tough.Don't let the enemy or others drag you down.Prayers and love your way.God Bless You,Bob 

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  • Posted

    Hi sydnie sorry ur in so much pain. So am I. Not been in here for ages due to inner turmoil. Don't want to elaborate just now as unwell but wanted go send a huge hug and let u know that even tho I don't practise what I preach there is hope for u. You are only young. Seek help try getting better and show your abuser they didn't win. Xx

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    • Posted

      So sweet. Hugs to you as well. I never practice what I preach. I beat this depression when I was 16 all on my own with no medication and just a change in mindset and I started cherishing life.. but now.. I'm just so tired. I know you understand what I mean. I'm tired of thinking bad thoughts and tired of crying and bringing my girlfriend and family down with me. Thank you for taking the time to read. 

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    • Posted

      Thank you for replying to me again. I just wanted to post on here that I am doing much better. I haven't cried in a long time. I'm out of bed now. I get out and do things and I also just got back from a vacation in Texas (I live in the u.s) 

      Now after feeling better I realize how horrible my disorders are. It will be a lifetime of keeping up with it and mainting a healthy state of mind but I love life and I love living and I have the most precious girlfriend of 4 years and two sweet dogs. And a best friend of 12 years and an amazing mother. I just have to remind myself that it is all in my head. Though that doesn't work often. Writing helps me a lot as well. Thank you for taking the time to let me know that I am not alone. 

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    • Posted

      If my reply helped you in a little way I'm glad. I'm happy to read for now that u are being positive it will help you I'm sure. I'm still only just at the start of new meds so who knows what the next few weeks hold .. . Hugs for u xx what type of dogs do you have? 

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    • Posted

      I have yet to fine any medicine that helps for me sadly. Hope that yours are doing you well. And I have a 2 year old beagle/basset mix and my girlfriend just surprised me with a new puppy that is a Great Pyrenees. She got me her when I was at my lowest and it helped a lot. I was able to put my focus on something else. 
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