Feeling of possible dissociation/blackout??
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Almost two weeks ago, I suffered a very odd "blackout" experience. I have not gone to any therapy (due to finances) so I don't have any diagnosis of something it can possibly be like PTSD, but I wanted to see if what I experienced was similar to anything so I can find ways to cope and approach the situation should it happen again before I'm finally able to afford real help.
While casually scrolling online, I suddenly got really...floaty? As if I was on a cloud, everything I saw was in a haze. I slowly slipped into this trance-like, dreamy area where I relived old memories from months ago. However, these older memories felt so real it was like they were happening all over again, yet still covered in this, now dense, fog. Eventually I felt this pull, as if I was being slowly pushed through a cotton wall back into reality. The floating feeling came and left. I was left on my computer chair in this heavy daze. I did see I had somehow opened old, saddening messages from a really traumatic time. From the time of the last family interaction I had and the moment I checked the time after, I lost about half an hour to an hour of time. Just, gone. I remember thinking "Well, I'm fine. I know my birthdate (recited it to myself correctly) and today is the 6th of Feb". When I went to confirm if the date was correct, I saw it was actually late March. Writing and walking were difficult. I remember that writing and texting were difficult, as if I forgot how. For the next two hours or so, I couldn't remember any event in Feb or March. After about two days, most things came back, but I still have a few holes missing.
When speaking to a family member, they asked if I had a PTSD attack or maybe dissociation caused by DID (Disassociative Identity Disorder). I told them I couldn't tell, I don't know enough about the experiences those who have it go through to tell.
I did have severe traumatic events from roughly 4-18 years old. It could've started later than that (like 8) but that is seeming to be less likely. At age 4, I began having a strong hatred for a close caregiver. It never left me, even until today. Like I'm just stuck on hating them and I don't know what made me so upset back then (keep in mind this caregiver was the cause of trauma for all the rest of my years). When I mentioned it to my other caregiver, about how overnight I hated the other, they seemed slightly awkward/nervous and tried to dodge around it a little.
I've brought this up here before, when it first happened, but I'm bringing it up again because it may have gotten worse (slightly more details in previous posting). I'm spacing off and losing my train of thought, concentration, and recent memories even more now. I've also noticed that my gender identity is different than what I actually am and I don't identify with what I see in the mirror at all. I've had these feelings before, but they are increasing ten fold now.
0 likes, 3 replies
sam81748 PandaPies
Edited
It is dissassocation you have described. It isnt something you can just leave and hope it gets better or until you can afford help. I have bpd. You need to get it addressed asap. It can lead to mental break down and hurting yourself because you are not with it or dont care anymore. You say you cant afford treatment but it might get to the stage like already where you arent really all there for periods of time. I dont know what country.you are based in. Im located in the uk so Im lucky to access free nhs care. Within your.country area can you access any reduced cost treatment or to get assessesed? Sometimes there are schemes of health care they offer care for free at certain areas or charities that offer support or funding. Do you not have access to emergency health care as in some countries.that is free. I would class dissassociating as an emergency. As it can lead to suicidal behaviour.
PandaPies sam81748
Posted
I live in the USA. Ambulances are $2,000 and therapy sessions are $1,000 per visit. You have to have amazing insurance to really feel comfortable with visiting the doctor (I haven't had a primary for 5+ years and got a general check-up 2 years ago). Nothing is for free unless it is very extreme circumstances. So I honestly have no choice but to wait. I don't think it should be too long of a wait. I know it's incredibly dangerous, but the conditions you describe that dissociation causes were things I struggle with that I was saving to go in for anyway, so I've gotten a couple tactics to stabilize myself until then. Of course, now I work from home and don't get as much money as I did before lockdown, so it delays that first session day longer. I know there's sessions I can find online through video call so I'm going to check and see how that all works and if the prices are different. I figured it was dissociation, but I really didn't want to believe it. I was hoping there was a less scary reason. Though, I know many people with DID, OSDD, and PTSD to know it had to be dissociation. It's going to be a wild ride during the sessions.
sam81748 PandaPies
Edited
Yes you are in a catch 22 situation. That must be frightening. To feel ill and not be able to access help you need. We are very lucky in the uk to have the nhs. Other options you might try are as previously mentioned charities or grant searches. Mental health charities are there to support and help people get through crisis. So often they have free helplines of volunteers you can chat to when needed, or sometimes you can access free counselling or reduced cost through them. There is also on line facebook communities that are private. You can set up an a spare facebook profile and add yourself. These groups are good for advice, someone experiencing the same thing and sometimes have moderaters that are volunteers that you can message for help. I hope you can get the help you really need and deserve. Also if you are part of an organisation or profession, sometimes you can access free help such as if you are part of a union at work, certain professions have association or charities for example dentist, butcher, student etc. Some grant search websites can source you some very specific grants for odd things. Like for example someone starts a trust for men, aged 55 living in a certain area or if they have a religion of some kind, and there will then be a pot of money available for grants for individuals that fit the criteria. At this point anything is worth a research as you never know what you can find. Good luck. Its a good job you have such great insight into your mental health. Also another avenue could be free life coaching or free counselling online. Where trainees or established therapists offer so many free sessions like 3 or six before you pay. There is ones in Usa because I seen some ages a go in a website. They did it via skype. Speaking to someone you know is another good option. But only someone who you know you can feel you can trust. I hope you feel better soon
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