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Feeling Suicidal

Posted , 3 users are following.

sally104
sally104

I am a 51yr old Mum, wife and Grandma, one grandson died in March, youngest daughter terminally ill, my guilt is so heavy.

Have been suffering from depression on and off for 35 yrs. This bout for 3 yrs. Am on Venlafaxine, Quetiapine, and Tegretol, as well as so many other meds I really do rattle. Can't go out alone, use phone, so trapped. I have a voice constantly telling me that I am shot, shouldn't be here, am worthless, useless etc. I am so tired. I Have been asking for help, and at old address was assessed as needing long term psychotherapy and support to regain confidence and independence via CPN and support worker.

Moved in August and have been really struggling since. Had assessment yesterday by CMHT who agree need long term psychotherapy, and will put me on waiting list (approx 2 yrs wait), and in meantime will see me every 3 - 4 months.

I can't keep on like this. I am frightened of life, every day has been a battle for months and months, taking day minutes at a time, using distraction strategies to keep me going.

I'm not frightened of dying, I am frightened of failing at that too. I can't face more years like this, I don't feel sorry for myself it's everyone else who has anything to do with me. I am like a poison.

Can anyone help me?

1 like, 3 replies

3 Replies

  • Women_Health
    Women_Health

    Posted

    Hi there. I know that is hard to believe at the moment, but there are a lot of people that do not have arms, legs, can't see or move.. There are millions that can't read and does not know what is a computer. I can suggest you to go somewhere as volunteer (africa countries) and live among those people. You can teach them a lot of things, and you'll feel as almost most important person in the world - that would help you to overcome your crisis.

    Good luck.

  • sally104
    sally104

    Posted

    Sorry and I'm sure that you are trying to help, but I don't need to travel to see hardship. My son has Autism and a heart condition, his 4yr old son died this year. My nearly 19 yr old daughter can't move, she is totally dependent on her husband, and dying; a genetic condition that I gave her. She is in constant pain and, rightly, blames me. I have had depression on and off for 35yrs +, I have asked and asked for help, but because I am coherent, and have my 'I' m fine' face on, my face belies my feelings.

    I lost 9 babies during this time, I have been abused by an x to the point of ending up in ICU. I have a heart condition, hypothyroidism, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and blood clots.

    I have seen and experienced far more than most people can imagine, now I am tired, tired of the fighting, tired of trying so hard to be the post that everyone leans on. I had so hoped that the CMHT were going to offer help. Your suggestion thst I disappear to some 3rd world country made me smile sadly. I am trapped here, I struggle to go out into the back garden on my own I have palpitations, feel sick, am left shaking...... the same with the phone, I can't answer it. I was asking for help to enable me to overcome these ridiculous fears so that I can go out. I am a pathetic piece of crap that can't do the normal things in life let alone go to Africa.

  • sue34151
    sue34151

    Posted

    Hi Sally just thought I would send you a message as much of what you say I have gone through and know exactly how you feel I think as a mum we have this belief that we should be able to look after our children and keep them safe and happy always,but we can't and this feeling is so hard to deal with, it makes us feel worthless and feel a failure and we cannot face each day as one thing after another falls apart and we are unable to put things right. The help and support is just not out there when we need it I have had to come to terms many times that I unable to make things right I just try to listen when it's needed

    I am a grandmother to and I try to be there as much as I can but I have an elderly mum who has COPD who is also struggling with anxiety and I wonder does it ever cease this feeling of uncertainty all the time

    I am taking venlafaxine 150 daily and have been on these for 4 years when the other medication ceased to work and I now worry about this drug as I read it is really hard to come off, maybe it's the whole mother thing do we ever feel we can let go and face the fact that we are only human beings and not supermum I can't remember the last time I felt happy and cheerful but I am extremely good at masking my feelings in front of family it's just at home I fall apart god knows how my husband puts up with me but I thank god every day he does

    You are not alone and there is no magic answer I have found yet, try to be a little kinder to yourself you are a good person who needs a little help now and then take care

    Sue x

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