feeling suicidal but dont know where to turn!

Posted , 2 users are following.

I've had major depression for well over a year and I hit crisis point back in June this year. I was admitted to a mental health ward after trying to end things! it was a horrendous experience one that I wish never to go through again!! so the only why I can make sure of this is by not telling the truth about how I really feel. and if I ever find the courage to do it again then ill make double sure no one stops me.

this evening I felt really bad and all that was on my mind was death, who could I tell?

the crisis team? yeah right!

the GP? no way! one call to the crisis team and ill be on the ward!

111? the same, on the ward!

the Samaritans, they don't work for me.

my boss, don't think so some how, I'd have the local police breaking down my door.

lets say the ward is the right place for me but if I end up their id have to take more sick leave and that would lead to me losing my job, then where would that put me??????

I either live a horrid, sad, pointless life or end it for real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What other options do I have?

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5 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi,

    Do you have family or friends you can trust and talk to?

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  • Posted

    Hi smallsteps,

    Perhaps I can help you.

    Firstly, you have superbly summed up the huge gaping hole in the provision for people who find themselves in your position. Please send a copy of your entry to your MP (with a short explanitary note) - as government need to look at this problem and address it.

    I too have found myself in your position, except that I haven't try to end things. I recognised that if I tell my GP I would be forced into a Psycho ward, the last place I want to be.

    However, through researsh I have done, I am now way ahead of the the Mental Health provision in this country.

    If you are prepared to discuss your problems/issues with me - I may be able to help you. I am certainly willing to try.

    In the meantime - when things are really bad - go for a walk. It always takes the edge off things for me.

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  • Posted

    oscar496, I did have a very very close friend who I use to talk to about everything, we were almost joined at the hip, right up until I was put on a mental health ward!! he just cut all contact and only seen him once since. we bumped into each other at a train station near where we live, he just looked straight though me. boy, how I sobbed on that train!!!

    I have my mum but even tho she has come around to my illness (at last) I don't feel comfortable to tell her those sort of feelings plus I know it would just up set her then that would make me worse.

    eyeclops, funny you should say go for a walk because that's just what I did. I put my trainers and a hoodie on grabbed my keys and ran out the house with my dog. I was still wearing my pj's. I ran across the road past the houses and leaped over the gate into the bullock field, I walked and walked and walked, my mind still racing around and around. I ended up on a bridge that goes over a fast flowing by-pass, I stood there with me hands gripping the wire mesh above my head. I watched as the traffic passed under me. I wondered if the drop its self would be enough. I wondered if I should wait until the road was busy and which kind of vehicle should I use. my mind started to calm, for the first time that afternoon/evening I started to relax at the thought of death. that's when I saw it! it was coming up fast! they looked straight up at me! I froze on the spot! the dread ran straight through me. I watched as it passed under me. he indercated left for the slip road that lead straight to were I was. I watched him make the turn, i feeled with great fear, he was coming my way, faster and faster and faster. i had to get out of there, they were coming closer and closer with every second!! i would be taken for sure! taken away and i would lose what little i have.i would be treated trerriable, poked and proded like a piece of rotted meat. i ran, ran faster than i have ever done before but deep down i knew it was pointless. i stoped running and pulled my hood, i senced them right behind me,i couldn't hear them because of the roah of traffic below us, i could see the flashing lhead lights in front of me, i called for my dog pretending i hadn't noticed them yet, i then turned to see the POLICE CAR and acted like they were about to run over my dog, scampering to catch him. they pulled up. they asked if i was just on the bridge which i admitted too, then they asked if i was kneeling, i said no and forced a little chuckle out. they changed the subject and asked if i had see any kids on the bridge. they let me go without knowing my name or why i was on the bridge. i had excaped by the skin of my teeth. i ran all the way home. took double my sleeping pills and was asleep within 20mins.

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  • Posted

    sorr , im Dyslexic and i forgot to spell check before posting,
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  • Posted

    Hi smallsteps,

    that's not quite what I had in mind when I suggested going for a walk, lol. Also, if I may point out, jumping in front of a vehicle etc would almost certainly wreak the drivers life too. So please keep your thinking cap on.

    Previously I suggested that I may be able to help you if you are willing to discuss your problems/issues with me. If you would be interested I'm willing to assist. From your last post I can feel your desperation, but for me to help you I'll need to talk to you in depth somehow, perhaps using Xfire, TS3 or Skype.

    This is my second visit to this site. I am not a "professional". But I am way ahead of the professionals in this field.This is the first time I have offered such help to a stranger - so, let me know if or how you'd like to move forwards.

    I can also recomend some reading materal that would help your understanding if you'd like.

    I'll try to stay logged in here tonight in case you come on.

    All the best

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