feeling very low

Its def worth finishing. Thats when it gets better and also he explains so much all through it anyway.Thanks for the message though, how you keeping?

 

I.m keeping good Sharon.I will keep reading the book in fact I am.at a bit of a loose end right now so will have another read.Keep.you chin up xx

Think i too will hae another read tonight, glad your doing good. Love the

messages on here at times, they are such a support xx

How did you get on with the book in the end? Did you finish it? Keep in touch x

Yes at times it is a struggle. Still working from home and selling lots of stuff so i can eventually move and pay off debts. Got a one to one meeting next to help me and a womens group but i couldnt go to it today. Its just so lonely at times...sorry for feeling so sorry for myself but it is hard. How are you keeping these days?

Applying for pt jobs to clear off the debts also but fk its hard finding one...but hey who knows. Something for a month or so would really help.

working 10 hours per day with one hour lunch break and Fridays off. ON the phone a lot and have small twin girls aged 6. Very hectic and one was sick today and one car only....taxi....I really hope that you will get a job....Robin

Your life sounds hectic but  its obvious that you would do anything for the twins. You must be tired. Im trying, just like you clearly are. Not quite at the point i want to be at, but then we can only live for the day rather than in the past or too much in the future. I hope a job comes up too big time x

do not Think back...do not regret the past..or TRY not to regret and move forward....Robin

Sharon, Robins reply is brilliant, it says it all.

Hope you had a better day yesterday. You have your kids to fight for. I never thought at one time I'd be trusted with both my grand kids again. It gave me something to fight for. My daughter in laws mother as you know, literally came back from nearly dying. Robin had his family.

Keep posting here, feeling really bad, then come here. You've got to let your partner/husband see how well done. It sounds really stupid, but I put pics of my grandkids on the fridge, lounge, even the kitchen and it did keep me going.

I understand how hard the loneliness is. Are you on speaking terms with your OH and kids?

Take care, we're all here for you

 

Nice one Robin, and very very true

Yes we speak everyday, which is good but hes stressed and so am i to be honest. I know things are very hard for him too trying to get a new house and everything. He is also looking after my daughter and dog at the min on his own with hardly any money. I have a drink problem, im clearing out the house so eventually move over but that is honestly very slow and hard to do on my own. I am trying but as you know sometimes its very easy to fail. I like the idea of the pictures. I will do that today. I just worry that this will never end...its been six weeks now since they left. To be honest when your family leaves you it feels like a death has happened... i dont even sleep on our bed anymore because it doesnt feel right on my own. The sofa is my best friend. The little sleep i do get is horrible. When i open my eyes that feeling of missing them all so much is right at the pit of my stomach everyday, every night. I just wish this would all end. I am lonely and sick of being here on my own, every day, night. Sorry, its just the most horrible time of my life right now. Nothing compares to it. I absolutely have to get better and start taking better care of myself. 

Sorry, you guys all have your own  problems. So i am sorry that it prob seems like i want pity or just feeling sorry for myself.

I will def put pictures up today. How are things with you vickylou? xxx

I know your right, live for the day not in the past and make things better for all of us in the future. Thank you robin

I think you have done brilliantly sharon.  The lonliness must be awful but you have done it.  Best of luck in the job hunt.  That would be really good for you.  When do you think you could go and join them?  You have something too aim for.

Yes they are good people on here and you always get a response.  It is good to write down your feelings and release them.  Keeping them in is no good at all.  Take care hun x

Im hoping its not going to be much longer than a month. Need to clear my debts so we all have a fresh start with no big money worries. i have said it before and i will say it again, no more drinking for me. I am done with it. Reading a blog today called ''mrs d is going without'' and its really good, very helpful and honest about her journey to sobriety. She writes a little every singe day for a year. Im on month 3 right now. Keeping a day to day diary of some kind i think maybe a really good idea for me. How are you keeping these days?

Sharon, I can assure you that the genuine forum members, of which there are many, certainly don't think you're after pity, or feeling sorry for yourself .

Ive been where you are now. It's the pits and you can't see any way out. There is a way, and in my case and RHGB campral was the answer.

I tried many times to just give up, managed 4 years without a drink, then thought I'd be fine. No way, didn't take long before I was drinking more than ever, I've never drank daily, but had binges and each one took longer and longer to get over. If you google Kindling, you'll see what I'm on about.

I think you said you didn't want medication. In my opinion based on my AUD, medication is the answer, whether it be TSM, plenty of members following that way. The other being campral. NEVER ANTABUSE. I know I keep repeating myself, but campral gave me 12 months to get my life back on track when I hit rock bottom. Never ever thought I'd be looking after my grandkids. Please don't think I'm gloating, I'm just trying to make you believe that if you want something badly enough, you can do it.

t

Im so sorry about your loneliness, can't begin to imagine how hard that must be, but your husband needs to know that you're doing something positive and working towards goals. 

Im going to Spain next week and am totally organised. Years ago I'd have been drunk the week before. Several doubles at the airport, drinks on the plane, and basically drink all through the holiday. My excuse being "well I am on holiday, I can do what I like"

Put your pictures up, look at them with a bottle in your hand and ask yourself do they mean that little to me? (am assuming you're not drinking now, so no chance of withdrawals" am no doctor, just telling it how it was for me.

Only you can make the decision to try medication, plenty here to help and advise you

take care and keep posting when you want

That sounds good hun.  Bet you cannot wait to get to Scotland and be a family again.  Have you told  your boy yet?  Feeling this for you.

Keeping ok, just back from my place in the Lake District.  Turned down a night out last night of boozy 40th birthay bash.  Hubs was disappointed as he was looking forward to us going out together but knew I would cheat big style. 

That is the price we pay.

G.

Hi sharon

 

Just reading your post again. Obviously being alone whilst trying to resist the urge to drink must be a nightmare. You've obviously got a lot of willpower, but so much is against you, trying to find a job, clearing out your house on your own, worrying about debts, it seems endless.

Is there any chance of your husband and daughter maybe coming say one weekend so you could clear out together, or is that a no brainer. If I remember rightly do you have a son and daughter and how old are they? Please don't thing I'm just being nosey or intruding, not my intention at all.

Do you have a friend who could help you get the house cleared asap. The longer you are left isolated, I feel is so detrimental to your recovery.

The lack of sleep I can relate to. Anything over two hours is a good night,for me, even with sleeping tablets. Are you taking any medication? Please don't take this the wrong way. You said you'd poured some vodka down the sink. I've done that before, it made me feel temporarily better as I'd convince myself the problem wasn't too bad. I'm not saying you're the same, but I'd always regret it the next day and go and buy some more. You don't have to answer this, but honestly when did you last have a drink?

The lack of sleep will catch up with you at some point. I can't remember if you've spoken to your gp or not, if not please consider it and the medication route.

I don't really know what else to suggest, other than keep posting here just to vent off. You can pm any time, day or night if you need to talk, or just chat to help pass the time, (not that I'm that interesting a person!)

The last sentence in your post asking how things are with me, made me feel guilty, as my life at the moment couldn't be any better. It hasn't been easy and I've had some slip ups along the way. Even a year ago, my son wouldn't leave me alone with my grand kids, now I can't get enough of them.

I know I keep repeating myself, but couldn't give a toss if some people don't like it ( and for the record before the sarcastic remarks appear (I DO NOT HAVE A VESTED INTEREST OR GET PAID TO KEEP REFERRING TO CAMPRAL)

 

are you supposed to be on commssion with the producers of Campral? nonsence....keep going since you are a great support to your family and to us here Vickylou! Robin

Good post vicks - encouraging - the sleep lark is a bummer - I would love to be able to nod off at the drop of a hat.

Sharon - good advice there and well meant

G.

Thanks Robin

some people must live very sad lives!! ADE had a similar comment about selincro and TSM.

Ok I accept that campral may not work for everyone, but it worked for RHGB and me. When taken correctly it has quite a high success rate and I will continue to support and recommend it.

I do still drink socially, but I know my limits and never touch spirits. Wine with a special meal like Christmas or birthdays, but normally cider

Thanks again for your support 

great reply. Furthermore, you will notice that I NEVER give advice on medication since I stopped drinking without taking any medicine. Perhaps I was lucky..Not many people manage this and I always recomment taking medical advice and seeing a specialist. We are all here with different knowledge, experiences and then do out best. Robin

Sorry Gwen, only just seen these replies. Yes, it will be good but strange living somewhere else though. Having said that cant wait to see my partner and daughter plus dog!Good for you not going to the bash, sometimes we just have to be honest with ourselves and know deep inside what will happen if we do certain things. Havent told Ethan yet about going although that may happen today if i summon up the courage...very hard. Listen as always thanks for the kind words. You sound like your doing pretty well, so good for you xxx

Sending you all the best if you decide to tell your boy today. xx

Sometimes i think my will power is good/very good other times i am at the other extreme. One of the books i read explains that those who do not have a drinking problem often think that those who do lack will power when they give in. However, when you think about the lengths that we often go to to get it/hide it/take it etc in many ways that shows massive will power, just in a negative way. Put the same energy into giving up to the extent that you went to take it in the first place if you know what i mean. I thought they had a point.

Yes there is so much going on at the minute at times it does all feel like too much and being lonely does not help.

Your not being nosey, Ethan is 13 and Cerys is 8. Cerys is in Scotland with her dad (my partner) and Ethan lives half the week with me and the other half with his dad (different dad). Shared custody. The thing is becasue of how things have been with me Ethan has stayed mostly with his dad over the last few months. As we share custody, I know that Ethan can not come and live in Scotalnd with me as his Dad to be fair would have a massive problem with this. To be fair if it was the other way round and his dad wanted to take him far away i would also have a problem with that so i can see where he would be coming from. I think i may tell Ethan today about Scotland if i can find the courage. It will be so hard leaving him but you have to understand that i have no other family or support over here. I have friends but not very close. I met a girl at the clinic the other week and invited her over (WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO SOME COMPANY), however that was a stupid thing to do as she has many problems too and came over really out of it and possibly had taken more than just drink. Her family had to collect her. Oddly enough i dont think she is someone who is good for me. So i am going to have keep a distance for both our sakes!

Yes on a strong moment i poured vodka down the sink and also binned another two bottles.. I did drink last week but not much. Yes the lack of sleep is a complete pain, woke up this morning at 3.30!

I go to an addictions clinic and also a womens group on a thursday when i can make it, although i have to say i am not sure if its really for me. But perhaps i havent given it enough chance.

The drinking has to stop...I want to get the the 100 day mark and honestly see how i feel again then. There is no way in the world i can drink when i go to scotland, i would end up on the first boat back! Even just one. Apart from that i want to stop anyway for myself as i hate the way it makes me feel sometimes. I have thought about suggesting meds when i see the clinic on thurs but dont know what they will say.

We all need to vent off at times and i know deep inside a large part of it comes from being so alone right now. But to a large part its my own fault things are the way they are.

Campral, if its worked for you thats great. Like i always say different things for diff people.So why not suggest it, especially to new comers!

AA works for some but not for all, others do it with will power alone. So i would say keep suggesting girl ! Thanks for the time and the message, the fact your life is great right now is brilliant. I know like all of us, there will have been a time when it wasnt and you have worked hard to get it that way, so honestly well done. Keep in touch xxx

I am going to put the pics up all over the house to remind me. Brill idea by the way. Have a great time in Spain by the way. x

Thank you. I have an idea that he may have an idea. The house is looking very bare right now, it makes it even all the more depressing being here as i just want out. Its hard telling him (if i do it today, but it will have to be done). Better a little earlier than suddenly telling him when its close to the time i am going. I am not sure how i will cope telling him or being without him. The thing is like i explained before, he and his dad and i split the week up time wise. When he is with me he is mostly at school or out with his friends. The rest of the time hes in bed or on his bloody xbox lol. I will hardly see him what with his das/school/friends. I have no one else here and as much as i want to be with him, the lonliess is just too much. In an ideal world he would be coming with me but i know that cant happen. God i widh things would just be a little better just for once. But i suppose fate is in my hands too, only i can make things better. Hope your day is going well by the way. Thanks as always for the support xx

Robin, Im pretty sure i seen a long message from you earlier and now i can not find it. It just seemed to disappear before i had the chance to read it properly.

Dont want you to think i was being rude not replying. Hope things are well with you but it sounds like you have a lot of work 6 days a week. I replied to Gwen and Vickylou and as you can see, thats pretty much where i am at the moment. Trying but very, very hard just right now. Thanks for the support as always x

no problem..actually 4 days per week mon to thurs and friday off taking them to school and ballet in the afternoon. DO not work sat and sundays. on the phone a lot but pay is ok and lot of benefits..free dentist, private medical care but low level and like it...keep well and keep trying to forget the past and move forward...Robin

I know you gave up through will power alone, can i ask again how much you drank before? Good that you do get a few days off work by the way lol. Thanks again x

Aww love this post shaz, you have really laid it bear.

You say "oddly enough you will have to leave that girl out of your life" - dead flippin right you will.  Now that is what worries me about ARC and AA.  I am the most sympathetic person (Pisces who take on other peeps probs too much) but I am also quite outspoken if I feel something is not right - I say it.

Does your partner not want you to take even one drink - I take it then that he won't to help you along - for me, personally, being told by my hubs that I cannot have a small glass of red in the evening would tell me to tell him to go to - well you know the rest.

My hubs is in the garden at the mo sunning himself coz it is such a lovely day - he has had two pints which I took to him.  I am in the kitchen doing the usual Sunday roast - no glass of red - too early for me.

Vicks has done fab in her quest and to have your grand kiddies - well what more can you ask for. 

You have done fab too - on your own - respect to you my friend.

Let me know how you got with Ethan, thinking of ya hun x

He has been supportive and to be fair could have left a long time ago... you have to understand that i was hiding drink everywhere and we rowed/talked about it all the time. I promised to give up and eventually got caught again, to be fair he just had enough.

To be honest it might sound harsh on his behalf but i know that he and the kids did put up with a lot sometimes. Apart from me drinking, i am not saying it was all me, there were other problems. It was not easy for any of us. Maybe i just took it too far, clearly i did because there is no one here. . I love him and them all so so much. He really is the love of my life. Never ever felt like that about anyone. In ten years i have never so much as looked at anyone in any kind of way and the feeling that i got when i was with him i dont think i could ever replace. He knows that too and i believe feels the same way, its just prob my drinking and lack of family support over here got in the way. His family all in Scotland, i dont speak to mine... we have had about 2 date nights at most in 10 years due to lack of babysitters! I think we all need support in some kind of way and that our situation was very rare. Loads of family with the kids but rarely on our own unless they were at school. Who knows if things had been different maybe i would not have drank so much, i actually think that is true. We both worked from home together which to be honest maybe got to us both as sometimes we fell out about work related things which then in turn effected the relationship. Cerys is very much a daddys girl and very switched on for her age. Maybe she has seen too much. Kevin and i are very much in love and when its brilliant it really is brilliant and i wouldnt change it for the world. However when we argued it was pretty full on. I think in some ways Cerys began to copy her dad when she heard us both speak that way. So she then in turn kind of copied him and spoke to me in the same way. Not all of the time, but it was def there. Rows and talks are def for after bed and that will NEVER EVER happen again.

No child should see their parents row etc and that i do regret  as it does work both ways. I believe myself that my drinking has to stop. As much as that little voice comes in my head at times, basically i hate it as it has caused so much misery. Christmas for example was ruined and even then we still stayed together, it just got to a point where enough was enough and although everyones situation is different...I do see that and regret it. But as Robin says dont live in the past, live in the presnt and work towards the future that you want.

I just want my family back. If that means not drinking so be it, its just hard at times right now being so much on my own. I would say that if i added up the days drinking out of the last 6 weeks, 2 weeks i have drank and the others not. There have breaks and some quite long binges. However when i binged, i really did binge. It just has to stop, not only for them but for me too, i know myself that if you get to this stage that it is a real real problem. Not only for me as a person but also for all the people i love around me. I honestly do see that. 

It seems that most of the time you cope with the amount that you have set yourself to drink, although maybe the odd time you do have a wee moment so to speak where you maybe have a few more, your doing really well. Your husband is also at a comfortable it seems with how you are with it, which is great. Different things for diff people. Your right about Vicks as well and her grand kids. It can be done!!

Sunday roast sounds great, save me some lol

2 botlles of blue 7.5% Blue cide 2 litres pe day OR 2 bottles of wine or sometimes lots of vodka up to 0.5L per day..for many many years..oh yes...the truth

sorry Sharon this was a reply to how much I was drinking?? it was lots and lots and always looking for more whether I had money or not the drinking took priority!! Keep well and best of luck Sharon!

 

Hi gwen

ive read one of your replies about you not being sure at first about my sense of humour, now I can't find it!

My daughter calls it 'warped!' Lol! I consider myself a boring person with nothing really very special to talk about. I admit I can be cynical and maybe a bit sarcastic. If I've upset you, I honestly didn't mean to, so sorry.

This non sleeping is really pxxxxxg me off big time. I've now moved into another bedroom as OH lies there snoring and I'm wide awake. I know you suffer too and all my gp says is "stop worrying, no one ever died from lack of sleep!". He ought to spend every night killing time till morning. I did all my ironing at 3.30am this morning.

I go swimming, kick boxing, walking even had a go at Nordic power walking, makes no difference at all. Tend now to watch tv, films etc through my iPad and headphones.

My charming daughter said to me this morning, mum what have you done with your eyes, you look like a panda! you got new eyeshadow? bin it cos you've got two black eyes. Ok, err daughter dearest, I've not done my make up yet, these are my normal eyes lol, black shadows from lack of sleep!

Feel free to pm me anytime for a chat in the middle of the night, I'd welcome it. Jigsaws on my iPad taken on my iPhone is my latest time killing thing, I mean how sad is that?!

Hope you get a few hours kip. It must be fantastic to go to bed say 11pm and  wake up about 6.30am. Sheer heaven.

Hi Sharon I have just read some of these posts ,my heart goes out to you with all your having to deal with lately. .i don't seem to be getting all my notifications recently which is a right pain.as it makes everything disjointed

Thinking of you Sharon especially with the task of telling your son your plans .

Sending you my bestest hun xx

Hiya Nat

I only had twp notifications last week, I did wonder where everyone had gone. I had to go through the discussion summary one by one.

Contacted one of the mods to report it. He replied very quickly and they seem ok at the moment.

Yes, it's well annoying as everything was out of order, so it didn't really make much sense. Try reporting it (no RHGB I've not been at the cookie jar, before you come out with sexist comments! haha)

Hope you get it sorted

Hi hun, kickboxing hey - I can see you doing that and I don't know you in person.  Quite fancy that myself.

Yes I have also moved into another room.  My OH got fed up with my turning over every 10 mins.  So I tend to read and listen to his dulcit snores from across the landing.  I used to put the TV on and watch it in bed but that made me worse and I could not get back to sleep.  Now I read  something lighthearted. 

I have bought some books on deep breathing and mindfulness so that is helping a little.  Relaxing all muscles individually in the body then going to a "special place" that you love and imagining you are there.  And you slowly smile and hold the smile - I probably look a bit freaky but don't care.  It does actually make me relax and slip off to sleep.  Just wish it would last more than an hour. 

I get up about 6-7 am depending if the sun is streaming in but by then I am bog-eyed and my OH gets up all bright eyed and ready to start his day.  Sooooo frustrating

Anyway Panda - sorry vicks lol - I will have to pm you one night to see what your up to.

Good chatting and enjoy your day.  I'm off for a run x

Hi Vicks had loads of notifications today so likewise it seems better again .Like you I was thinking everyone had gone away lol

Hope all tickety boo with you 😊

Nah, sleeping still very erratic for me as well. I feel for you especially because you obviously do enough during the day to make you sleep! Sometimes its just so hard to switch off eh... lucky us!

Thank you Robin. I just wondered as you did manage to stop through your own will power. Your drinking in the past is similar to what mine has been. Def two bottles of wine and also vodka at times. I have an appointment with addictions clinic tm so just going to be honest with them. The thing is i am not sure if the addictions clinic is really helping but im still going to go. You have done so well, you inspire me by the way. So thank you x

Sorry for late reply. Just saw it. Will post a msg to you