Feeling worthless
Posted , 7 users are following.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I guess I just needed a place to vent and talk about my thoughts. I'm 26 years old, male. Recently, I've started having thoughts that I'm wasting my life away. I quit my job six months ago and have been looking for a new one ever since. I've visited around 20 job interviews in that time and haven't gotten a single offer. Every time it boils down to me lacking the necessary skills for the position.
This situation has got me thinking, what CAN I do in this life, actually? I was able to finish my education and obtain a specialist's degree in Engineering. However, I barely managed to do so, and I don'r really have the skills (nor desire, really) to work in this profession. I suck at math, suck at physics, suck at drawing and creating technical models.
After the uni (and my first 6-month long jobless stint) I finally got my first job. Worked there for two years, earning abysmally low amounts of money and failing to acquire any new skills. At one point, I finally decided that I could achieve something better in my life, quit the job...and here I am again not being able to find anything.
I honestly feel ashamed that I basically live on my mom's salary. I'm afraid of talking to my friends, because they always ask me about my job status, and I don't want to tell them that I still ask my mom for lunch money as a 26-year old man.
My personal life is also a mess. I always was very shy around girls. I am introverted, I lack self-confidence, I struggle to initiate conversations. However, gender norms in my place of residence dictate that a man should be the initiator, the risk-taker, the provider, etc. I do not match those criteria at all. As I got older, I struggled with shame over my inexperience with opposite sex, feeling ashamed of being a virgin at such an advanced age. I only started going out on dates two years ago (god bless internet dating) and actually had one long-term relationship, so the whole self-shaming over my inexperience has lessened (but not completely gone). However, that relationship has also ended and I feel like I can't date girls right now, because nobody would want to go out on dates with a jobless wreck like me. And when I did go out for the first time today, I felt like the girl was bored to death by me, since I apparently have the personality of a cardboard cutout.
So here I am right now. No job, no friends, no significant other. My family supports me and my mom keeps telling me that everything will be fine. Yet I feel time slipping away from me, as days start to blend in into an indistinguishable mass, and I have no idea how to escape this endless loop. The only feasible talent that I have is my affinity for foreign languages. English is not my native language, but I've been learning it from an early age. For some reason, I only feel comfortable expressing these kinds of thoughts in English. The idea of writing down this same text in my native language (Russian) frightens me, as if doing so would expose my deepest fears to others. Writing in English creates an additional layer between myself and you, the person reading this. Plus I feel like English-speaking communities are more open-minded, while Russian speakers would probably simply tell me to shut up and stop whining.
My family and my friends keep praising my skill with languages (I also know a little bit of German), saying that I'm lucky to have that and they could have achieved so much in my place if they had had that ability. They keep presenting it as some sort of gift from God or something, but I honestly don't think of it that way. It's just a skill that I possess, and I honestly don't find it that useful. I've tried to apply for jobs that require good command of languages, but got rejected time and again.
I am terribly sorry for this jumbled mess of thoughts. Like I said, I have no idea why I wrote all of this. At the moment, I do feel kind of worthless, useless and unable to see any good qualities in myself. There's no change on the horizon as far as I can see in regards to my situation. I am terrified at the prospect of living like this for six more months, a year, or how long it would take.
Do I seek mental help here? Probably not. Do I feel suicidal? I would lie if I said that the idea has never crossed my mind. Yet I'm pretty sure that I would never go as far. It's not the way out. I will continue to look for a job, I will continue my search for a romantic partner, I will better myself physically ( I go to the gym regularly) and mentally (I am trying to learn to play the guitar). Maybe my family is right and everything will work out for me, maybe nothing will change. Only time will tell. However, I feel like I needed to express all my thoughts here, in this giant wall of text. I hope you haven't died from boredom from reading this 
2 likes, 6 replies
sherri17472 eugene92
Posted
I think it’s great you’ve managed to put how you are feeling down in words.
I don’t think you should feel ashamed of anything things WILL get better and probably when you least expect it, things haven’t worked out with jobs/relationships in the past but doesn’t mean it won’t in the future you need to stay positive. Sounds like your mum is a great support there is nothing to feel ashamed of your lucky break will come.
sue162 eugene92
Posted
you sound very intelligen, sensitive gentleman and believe me this is a wonderful trait. You also have a great Mum who would be sad to hear you sound like this. As Mums we feel helpless believe me. You are young and you will find the right person you just haven’t found them right now. Nowadays so much emphasis is placed on having a partner and posting on Facebook about this, this must make single young people depressed. The feelings of hopelessness go hand in hand with anxiety and depression, I get them myself, that thing in your head telling you over and over. You aren’t though just have to believe it and find the job that you enjoy. X
Donna23316 eugene92
Posted
Hey honey, no way could anyone die of boredom reading your words, you write so eloquently and from the heart. Thank you for sharing that, I lknow it cannot have been easy. It does sound like you've got alot going on in your head at the moment and that's understandable. Just know you are not alone, in that many people struggle with inner conflict. I've not met one person in all my years who has the "perfect life" That's not reality is it? Life can be tough and it can really knock your confidence if for example: you don't get the job you applied for. Its disappointment which is bound to cause a feeling of deflation. You say you did engineering, I'm wondering was it your choice to do so? If so,what has changed for you concerning you no longer wish to choose this career path? You've written on this forum . what you could do is write down at home all the things that are bothering you. You can write a list,write down literally everything you are worried about. You can then, instead of it going around and round in your head, put it down on paper. You can then try and come up with solutions next to each one. write this down also. As for girls and dating, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I think the opposite sex prefer men to be genuine and don't expect men to necessarily make the first move. just be yourself and love will find you, usually when you least expect it! At the moment, your head is full of fear and self doubt but I have to agree with your mom that things will be OK and workout. You may not believe that right now, but but they will be. You are just questioning your future. I know its easy for me to say but don't be so hard on yourself because you're doing your very best. That's all you can do. This low point will pass. You can also, stop trying to conform and please others, you are just
heaping added pressure on yourself. It's your life remember! ! You have immense talent! And are a valued human being. It might worth chatting with your doctor and he might give your something, just to help you deal with things. All the best for your future, Donna xxx
Guest eugene92
Posted
Hi Eugene.
First of all. I admire you. You have opened up to complete strangers. That is a A plus, in my book.
Ok, what do you really want to do with life? Set a goal. What will make you the happiest? Ain for it. Life is hard. You it is your life. You make life what you want it to be. You control it. It don't control you. As far as a significant other, well be patient, you will find it. You need confidence to start. Believe in yourself. I know how you feel. I have been there to brother.
God Bless... Take Care.
farah94 eugene92
Posted
well I think you being hard on yourself.
being brave enough to write down all that is really a good thing , but thats just half of the truth.
am not saying you are lying am just saying you don't love yourself but you are waiting for the world to love you by getting a job , girl friend and friends !
things wont go this way its the apposite way .. first of all you don't need to seek for a mental help . you just have to work on your self and no one can help you in that unless you want to.
love your self and be active learn to socialize don't be ashamed and trust yourself . and that's what is a job interview needs
you have to go to the gym you have to love yourself and most important FIND your passion ( try new things new hobbies ) and make new friends
hypercat eugene92
Posted
Hi just a thought but have you considered working as a Russian English translator? I think you would be able to do that job with ease.
I agree about women. We don't pick a man because of his job or abilities but because we like them, get along with them and have a spark between you. There is nothing wrong with you but if you haven't got the skills you need to do the type of job you want then how about acquiring them? You could go to night school or even college. x