Feels like I want to relapse my eating disorder

Hi. I know this is not as serious as many problems there are in this world, but I've been having eating disorder. I'm a teenage female.

At a BMI reaching 25.5 on the July of 2019, I was miserable in my body and hated every part of me when I look in the mirror. I know people go through this and that it's bad. It's not good for your health, but I disregarded that to get thinner fast. I felt like a truck in an ocean of sticks. I needed to change fast before I hated myself any more, because I've been starting to bully myself emotionally, punish myself by starving sometimes when I've done something bad, such as mess up badly an algebra quiz.

On September 2019, I started to make a change for my body. I ate 1,200 calories a day.

I did feel super hungry, thought of food all the time. I used to crave chips every day, but I wouldn't let myself break it because I assured myself that the punishment will be greater than the rewarding feeling that comes from eating.

On October 2019, I lowered my calorie intake to 800 calories a day. My period cycle has stopped. I felt hungry, but not as much as September. I wanted to break out into eating normally again, but I harnessed myself because of the reward that I was going to get in the end; not hating myself as much, and accepting myself and having people get jealous of my body. I wanted people jealous so badly because I felt like I was always the antisocial odd one out who has never fit in in anything. I felt like people will assume I'm lazy because of my weight. My grades have dropped from 80's and 90's to 60's and 70's.

On November 2019, I lowered my calorie intake to 700-600 calories per day. I did not feel as hungry as I was on 800 calories. I felt pleasure in starving and not eating all day because it felt like I was in control. I was powerful and handled my situation a lot better than anyone may have on a diet. I felt like this would make me worth something. I wanted to get rid of all my body fat and to tone up my body. I had more energy than before. It may have been an illusion. My grades dropped to high 60 to low 70 due to missing out on lessons from waking up late and skipping days from being too tired. I cried myself to sleep every night.

On December 2019 - December 10th, I promised myself that I will only eat 200-300 calories a day. And, surely, my corrupted mindset and determination got things going well for me.

I was freezing all the time. It doesn't help that it's negative degrees outside. Even if a place was at room temperature, or even nearby a fireplace, I'd feel cold and reach out for hoodies.

There were dark circles on my eyes. My thighs have a slight gap when I wall-sit, and they almost had a thigh gap. My stomach was super bloated, my stomach was in pain all the time, I was lightheaded, I couldn't focus on anything.

I cried myself to sleep every single night, wondering when I'll get skinny, when I can let myself stop because I knew this was not healthy and that I'm setting myself up for failure. My willpower always won, and it said, "No stopping. You won't eat except a loaf of bread a day, or an egg and 2 apples."

I'm a very lonely person, but people have noticed and told me I look good in my new weight and asked me how I did it. Of course, I said exercise, which is partially true. But they didn't know what was really going on inside.

I was exhausted, so done. It felt like nobody cared, or nobody would understand me. My parents kept force feeding me an apple, an egg, or a loaf of bread, which is why I never ate except Lunch so I can act like I'm fine in front of my parents.

I knew that they knew, and they took me to the emergency room. We've gotten a faster wait list and a blood test, and surely enough, I've been having about 3 nutrient deficiencies, and a few on edge.

On December 10th, 2019, my dad demanded I eat normally again and has finally got to me. I always pushed him away and kept things secret, but he really wanted to help and to understand. After finally squeezing the information out of me, with teary eyes, I said,

"I felt like a truck in an ocean of sticks".

So, he's been helping me eat up. It's day 3 of healthy, clean eating, and I eat about 1,200-1,400 calories per day (spoons of peanut butter really help).

My stomach hurts and so does my digestive system, and I do feel exhausted. I've gotten really hungry yesterday due to my metabolism trying to get back up, and surely enough, I ate when I felt hunger. I'm the most bloated I have ever been in my life right now.

I need about 1,500-1,600 to maintain my weight as a sedentary individual (which I am not).

We're now waiting about a month more to talk with a psychiatrist, and I've been eating well. A part of me also wanted to regrow my thinning hair and to get some muscle and tone by eating clean and doing ab workouts, running, and dancing.

But, if I'm being honest with myself, I want to relapse though it's unhealthy.

I lost 29 pounds in 3 months and 10 days, which is crazy. I kind of don't regret doing this.

I want to be perfect. I do realise that I lost muscle as well, but I couldn't have executed this in such a quick time by only exercising.

I don't want to be stick thin, I just would like to tone up and to have my stomach muscle show asap. I feel like I did this because I needed to be perfect (OCD), make people jealous as revenge for having nobody being friends with me, and so I have control over my falling life.

I feel like a loner, a failure with no friends, and that I'll never catch up on my school work because I've lost the rope and can't catch up with so many lessons.

Thank you so much for reading this, I'm sorry it's been long.

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