Fellow derealisation/depersonalisation sufferes

Greetings fellow patients, I'd like to reach out to everyone and anyone out here that can relate, as while surfing the web looking for some sort of comfort during times when the symptoms feel the worst, knowing I'm not alone makes me feel somewhat better. Warning: it may be long.

Nearly 10 years ago as a dumb but otherwise completely mentally and physically healthy teenager I've made the mistake of smoking pot here and there. The first few times was all fun and games, then the last time ended up in a complete disaster- out of no where, the world around me slowed down, and I felt acute concentration on my heart beat, which started being so fast it felt like a vibration in my chest- sent me into complete slow motion, stoned terror.

At the time of being completely clueless about mental health, I assumed that experience was some sort of micro heart attack- my mother has been suffering extreme stress triggered from heart problems for as long as I remember, and it only made sense the same thing has happened to me.

I became hyper alert of my body, any changes in heart rate or remotely weird physical symptom sent me into a complete frenzy of panic. I thought I was susceptible to it all now- heart attack, heart disease, stoke, all sorts of cancer. I don't even remember the day when I slowly slipped into a state of constant mild dissociation, as I was expecting to die of my physical symptoms any moment.

As it went on, I started to recognise that my mind has also changed- everything around me has started to feel like a movie. My head was in complete cotton wool, I started to slip into depression, disinterested in many things around me. The 'grown ups' I turned to for help put it down as one of those 'teenager things', which they tried curing by taking me on walks to the countryside once in a while (did not help).

It did not help that later I was a victim of an assault which included a head trauma, with later MRI scan finding a small cyst on my pineal gland, but was assured it's not threatening and was sent home (it's unclear whether that cyst is related to the head trauma. CT scan performed years later did not see anything anymore, however, the experience has definetely left an additional mental scar).

As I grew into adulthood, I started to look into my symptoms more from the mental side- I've finally started looking into bits and pieces about anxiety. Still a loyal hypochondriac however but now with own budget, I took all possible medical tests available- I was SO positive it was some nutrient deficiency, cancer, overactive/underactive thyroid etc. etc. causing me this way but to my surprise and almost disappointment, I was turning out to be completely healthy. Anxiety attacks during heightened stress in work were only increasing however.

That was when I decided to finally undergo an EKG, where the cardiologist has sat me down and said that my heart is fine- however if I don't get my anxiety under control, at the latter age it may not be so fine anymore, that's when I first met my friend dear friend Xanax and Cipralex (Lexapro) 10mg.

It kept my anxiety attacks at bay, heart palpitations too, although I'm sure quitting my stress inducing job was a factor too. The derealisation never quite went away, but it was at a level that it only made me kind of sad when I thought about it, imagening how much better it would be if I could just be myself 100%.

I accepted it's quiet, constant presence and learned to live with it.

I was taking Cipralex for about a year and a half, until I decided I can stand on my own feet and slowly, uneventfully weaned myself off it, only keeping Xaxax for occasional troublesome sleeping.

Fast forward year and a half. A lot of changes in my life. Some for the good, but with the ups came a lot of down such as illness of a close family member, financial stress, job uncertainty, love life issues... basically life has been happening, causing considerable stress and anxiety, with my loyal friend derealisation still quietly by my side. Then one night about a month ago, right before falling asleep to wake up and be on my way to dream job I've been loosing my hair to land, it just hit me.

I suddenly became so acutely aware of how unreal my body is, and how unreal everything around me is- a compete wave of terror washed over me as I shot out of bed. I tried to nurse myself to my comforting half reality as I knew it for the rest of the night with lights on.

Since then, despite hoping if I pretend it never happened things will go back to normal, it's been been up and down but mainly completely down. Previous derealisation suddenly seemed like a walk in the park, as my main symtoms switched to questioning my self of sense instead.

The symptoms are no longer, a quiet, bareable presence in my life- I feel like they scream at me every waking second of my life, preoccupying all my thoughts. Even though I know it makes the anxiety worse which makes the symptoms worse in turn, I can't help but focus on the sense of reality. Why am I here (more physically then metaphorically), how is anything around me real? Why is it real? Physically, people around me don't make sense to me. Any seemingly mundane notion or thought sends a shock of anxiety through my body, freaking out at the concept of any this being real.

Last night while laying in bed I caught myself thinking that my body doesn't feel like ME anymore either- like the real me is some weird thing in the back of my brain controlling my body like a robot- a notion that triggered a panic attack that could only be nursed by a xanax induced sleep.

While I can function and contain my mental freak outs in public, I am terrified of the nighttime, it seems to get worse when I'm not occupied and left alone with my brain in the dark.

I constantly try to tap out of it, or tap into everything making sense, but somehow it all makes things worse.

I went to my doctor, who agreed to give medication a go again (I requested Prozac this time, after reading someones very enthusiastic review that it helped their derealisation and crippling panic attacks), however despite being convinced I ain't no quitter and will stick out the side effects if I had them- and I did have them- I did just that and decided to try natural health supplements that I've read can dramatically help anxiety (Magnesium L-Theorate, Taurine, L-Theanine and Inositol- has anyone had a success story with these?) before returning back to the trusty Lexapro if all failed.

Since my whole downward journey with anxiety started I have done quite the research into it.

I understand that DP/DR is a symptom of chronic, severe stress/anxiety but lately, when my hands don't feel like my hands anymore and the panic of questioning my reality gets so overwhelming, I get completely frightened and desperate, feeling that this is it.

I don't know if I know what it is to feel the world as 'normal' anymore, and terrified I'm loosing touch with reality. The fear of going to bed keeps me up until late, where I'm either an exhausted zombie if I have to be up early or sleep for 14 hours straight if I don't. Since these panic attacks have worsened subsequently with the dissociative symptoms, I keep getting notions that if I keep going through life like this any further, I'll probably end up killing myself soon. Not the notion I thought I'd ever have as a formerly ambitions 24 year old.

Any word from anyone going through anything similar to reassure me I'm not alone, I'm not going crazy and it's just my brain on fire with anxiety, you'll be worth your weight in gold, because rationalising looses it's effectiveness for me at this rate.

2 likes, 5 replies