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Well I survived the 16 weeks attended every appointment talked through a lot of things, especially the caring of my late husband, death, grief, cried, screamed, got angry, frightned felt as if I had given away some of the stuff running around inside my head. told her things that I have never told anyone else or likely to again. On my assessment sheets completed every week my depression has not really lifted my scores varied between 19 - 22. suicidal self harmingthoughts always quite high, worthlessness, sleeping, eating habits all high too. I've got to have superficial conversations with people to interact and not isolate myself, chose who i want to show my emotions to as I had hidden then for years, i went from one extreme to another, Not sure what i'm writing really. Get to the point I have arranged to go and see my sister end of the week back in time for my grandsons 8 birthday, the plans that have been going around in my head for a few weeks now are after seeing everyone to disappear for a while just drive away and escape to be alone. I'd left a card at work thanking them for their support over the past two years and apologising for my behaviour, as I have walked out leaving people in the lurch, if i'd upset anyone I was truely sorry. It felt like a goodbye. I don't know if I want to return, I'm putting on the brave face act again pretending everything is better. Going through the motions. i've even paid for my funeral the other week, I don't feel suicidal but I am calm and feel organised. I just feel so tired of keep falling down the deep dark hole, I want to get off this roundabout for a while and have a rest, sleep for a month or two. It is so tiring putting on this face that everyone family and friends want to see. I've got a few weeks before I see the psychologist who is taking me back on following this therapy, discharged from cpn but CMHT are still on my crisis plan if needed. Better stop waffling here I'll be sending you all asleep,, not really sure just needed to put something down I suppose....Thanks for listening x
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