First time confession of an anxiety sufferer

Posted , 4 users are following.

I suppose I've come to this website both to vent some of the thoughts and feelings that I've been experiencing for the vast majority of my life and perhaps gain an understanding as to why I feel the way I do. I feel like I'm coming to near exhaustion of how to deal with this. Much to my disappointment, the thought of "I'm sure I'll grow out of this" looks less likey than ever. In fact, I'm coming to realise this isn't something that can be out-grown.

I've been suffering with what I think is anxiety for near on 18 years now, well over 2/3 of my whole life. Some of my earliest childhood memories are filled with feelings of dread and panic and when I think back to these times, I remember thinking that this must just be the normal way to feel in response to certain situations. Whilst certain events always triggered these feelings, I could never understand why that was. I still lack this understanding.

I recently visited home for two weeks over Christmas, some three and a half hours away from where I live now. On the days leading up to my departure, to return to where I live now, I began to feel shear panic and a clutch in my chest so severe that upon actually arriving at the train station I could hardly open my mouth to say goodbye to my own mother. This is just one of the many times in my life where these feelings have arisen and often, under totally different conditions and circumstances.

I know that January and the big return to work is often hard for some people as they come down from the joys of recent festivities and feel the reality bump as they wake to their early morning alarm on Monday, but I feel that my feelings far out way the circumstance and always have done.

My feelings also never reach the surface and so it’s often hard for my family or friends to relate to my experiences or even take them seriously. Recently, I have started to open up and question some of my responses to certain situations and whilst the support from my friends has been great, I still feel no closer to leading a normal life. I'm fully aware that its a tremendously sad thing to say, but feeling like this often leaves me with feelings of suicide, more accurately, viewing it as an option. Whilst I have no urges or impulses that I wish to act out upon in relation to this, having it as an option is distressing enough, especially when there are no other options available to end my suffering. I fear that this option will turn into a realistic proposition.

Whilst I have no issue meeting people, I have suffered through countless relationships as I struggle to control my feelings, battled negative and repetitive thoughts on a daily basis and faced shear panic for totally unexplained reasons. I have achieved everything that I have wanted so far in my short years on this planet with the aim of counteracting these thoughts, yet I can never find a settled place both physically and mentally or even find the time to appreciate what I have around me. I'm constantly dogged by a feelings of knowing what emotions lie just under the surface and often worry about the next situation will bring them up. I can't even remember the last good nights sleep I had and I have tried every coping/relaxation/self help strategy in the book. I've approached my GP about this but never really gained the support that I needed. 

Reading back on this, I'm aware it’s incredibly vague in details and perhaps lacks example but for me it’s a starting point. I have not come here in search of a cure, just some support or understanding from people who have or do experience the same feelings.

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20 Replies

  • Posted

    Hi ttam. So sorry you are suffering so much from anxiety. I've had irrational thoughts for most of my life, and it's not fun. In fact it's pretty exhausting. I worry about everything. I don't understand why there is so many of us who do this. You are not alone! I don't know what else I can say, except I will pray for you. I have no other solutions, except to suggest perhaps a chemical Imbalance that maybe can be helped by some type of medication or supplementation. I am not an advocate of medication, but you cannot keep going through life feeling as you do. You deserve a quality of life that you don't seem to be getting at this point in time. I hope that you feel better soon.
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  • Posted

    Dear ttam.

    I too have suffered fro heightned anxiety most of my life and going through a difficult time at moment.

    I have OCD and very intrusive thoughts (health anxities) and I appreciate how bad things can be.

    I hope to be pursuing CBT and I will try anything to help me deal with this .

    My thoughts are with you.

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    • Posted

      Dear Ann.

      I wish you all the best today and hope it goes well.

      I have had my scan and had a stress test which went quite well.

      No doubt you are scared I was too.

      I am still not sleeping well which is very tiring.

      Please please ley me know how it goes today I will check in later on this evening.

      My thoughts are with you xx

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    • Posted

      Hello Christine,  i had the scan but they do not tell you anything, i suppose i will get a letter.  My heart was jumping around,  do you get SVT, it was picked up on my 24 hour monitor, i knew i got ii and there seems to be no reason when it starts.  Do you hate public toilets, i never use them but had to use the hospitals today, they are cleanish , people use them all day so it must be a job to keep them clean.   Not sleeping makes you feel exhausted, fortunately i,m retired now, i did shift work for 10 years and hardly slept at all, i was like a coiled spring.


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    • Posted

      Hi Anne.

      So you still have to wait.

      The Cardiologist did my scan himself so I hade the results there and then.

      My heart seems to jump about ll over rhe place and has a mind of its own but I am on Propanalol at the moment which has calmed things down.

      I know what you mean about the toilets.

      I think shift work plays havoc with your health and have worked all sorts of patterns over the past 45 years of work.

      I continue to feel exhausted but have some hope that things will improve for me. Started Yoga today.

      Let me know how it goes when you hear. Nice to hear from you Ann, taje Care


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    • Posted

      Thankyou Christine.  How did Yoga go?   My head feels as if its going to burst tonight, its not a headache but pressure.    Do you dread going to bed, i do, i,ve tried to make my bedroom very pretty but its still a scary place.
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    • Posted

      I enjoyed the Yoga and am going again on Friday.

      I am so sorry to hear about your headache it is probably due to all you have been through today.

      Are you worried?

      I have moved out of my bedroom and into the one my mother used to sleep in before she went into a home two years ago, she sadly died a year ago tomorrow. I was her carer for 6 years.

      The room is also very pretty and I have not always loooked forward to going to bed at night especially when you cannot sleep.

      Why are you scared of your room or is it just going to bed?

      I am here to speak to if you want. I usually log in a few times a day.

      Take Care x

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    • Posted

      We are caring people Christine, i was brought up in Wales by my elderly grandparents, i took care of them from a young age until they died, i didn,t have a childhood i,m afraid.   I have a dread of going to sleep because i wake up with my heart pounding a lot also i wake up so early and its so dark and gloomy outside.  I think we care too much and think too much and that is why we are like this.  I was married for a long time to a police officer , he was not a nice person, i left 3 years ago and chose to live alone, i could not bear to live any longer being put down and picked on.


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    • Posted

      Well Ann you have done the right thing.

      It is not easy living alone and it can be very lonely and yes, you are right, we are probably too caring and always thinking about others.

      I am so sorry to hear that you are distressed during the night and I fidn myslef waking up very early when it is dark and gloomy.

      Do you have many friends?

      I missed out a lot on my childhood due to things that happened at home and I have now lost all of my original family dad, mum and brother, all gone.

      Life is not always easy is it?

      I do appreciate your messages and it is nice to have someone to speak with.

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    • Posted

      I have an Irish friend who i see once a week, she has a husband who is retired.    I had an ok sleep last night with an attack of my heart racing which makes me panic.    My aunt who is 84 and lives in Gloucestershire was admitted to hospital with a heart attack yesterday, her first one was at age 55.      A day of rain today, i,m going to the library spend an hour there.    Hope you are Ok Christine!
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    • Posted

      Hi Ann.

      Heart racing again I am sorry.

      What do you like to do in the library, obviously read but what do you like to read.

      I a sorry to hear about your aunt again, another piece of news which can set us off again.

      It is also a day of rain down here in East Sussex and I am going to paint today and make more of an effort to reclaim my life.

      Yoga again tomorrow and CRUSE one to one.

      I am also going to attend an introduction to Mindfulness on Saturday at a Natural Fitness Centre.

      It is a pity you can see more of your friend.

      Is there a group you could join?

      I look forward to hearing from you again and perhaps you could tell me how your day went?

      Live Chris

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    • Posted

      I wouldn,t want to be the type of person that outstays their welcome, she is always doing something.      I get a couple of books a week and generally browse the library, maybe sit and read something interesting, i like reading, somedays i don,t read much and others i do.   My mother who didn,t bring me up lived in Littlehampton, she was in the Waafs and married a Raf officer. Stopped raining here now but feels damp and cold.  I am having a good day today, how are you? Ann 


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    • Posted

      Well Ann I am not too bad.

      I have done some painting as I have a bedroom which has been ongoing for a while now.

      I too love reading and have so many books. I do not get to the library and end up buying them.

      The weather has slightly improved and the sun is coming through down here.

      I am so glad you are happy today and enjoying life. Look forward to hearing from you again Chris


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    • Posted

      My aunt died this morning, her quality of life was not good the last 2 years so it was a release.    I do my own painting too, have done a few rooms in this flat.   The sun came out this afternoon here too, i was changing and ironing curtains so didn,t go for a walk.   Have a good night sleep Christine. 
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    • Posted

      I am sorrry to hear that there is never a right time is there?

      It sounds like you have been very busy today and had a very positive day.

      I do hope that I have a good sleep and I hope that you do too Ann.

      I have had my medication changed from Citalopram to Mitrazepine but very scared to take it.

      I would rather not have to take anything really.

      It is so nice to keep in touch.


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    • Posted

      Christine,  you have to wean yourself off citalopram, i did and had some side effects, maybe you weren,t taking it though!  The only drug i take is a statin for my cholestorol and i don,t take that as i should, i have a pill phobia like you.   Goodnight.


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