Can’t take it no more..

Hi everyone,

I posted this before, but some time past by and I just need some help if possible. Ive been getting help to find freelance work, but it feels like im pushing myself to something which I can't handle at all. The feeling that I don't have any freedom without anxiety makes me depressing. I feel like I cant live this way anymore. I'm curious what you guys would do in my situation.

My old post below give you the exact details which i'm dealing with.

I’m a 19 year old male which deals with a generalised anxiety disorder for almost 3 years now. My anxiety developed over a period of around 10 years. Warning; this is gonna quit a long story but I would apreciate if you take the time for it.

When I was 5 years old my parents divorced. My brother and I stayed by my mom and I saw my dad around 4 days a month. My mom met a new man and she getted a child which is officialy my half sister but I just call her my sister. This man abused me, my brother and my mom mentaly and phsicaly for around 8 years. I learned to kept my mouth shut and think 3000 times before I said something. This was against my nature and so there where a lot of heated moments. After a time I became more and more cautious. I dont want to get to deep into the moment where the psycical abuse took place, but for clearness I was getting punched when I said something wrong. My brother left the house and was living by my father. I was too afraid to leave and make such a big decission and leave my mother and sister alone, because I was afraid they wouldnt survive, this was when I was around 10 years old, so it is quit logical that I was too afraid to make the choice. My mom and my ‘stepdad’ bought a house, but everything went wrong and they sold the house with a huge debt. I was living now in a 1 room appartment with my mom, ‘stepdad’ and my sister. I still saw my dad around 4 days a month, but my stepdad threatened that he would hurt my father so I was too afraid to tell him what was exaxtly happening. the bond with my father was quit bad too actually. He didnt understand me and he always says that I was so quiet and that made me very insecure. When I was 15 I went on a vacation in France with my mom, ‘stepdad’, sister and a friend of my ‘stepdad’ and his kids. Everything went horribly wrong. He kicked my mom and she shatterd her intire hand and the whole vacation was in a lot tention. When we went back my mom decided to flee from my ‘stepdad’ due the help of this man which was also on this vacation. We went far away from him and we settled in a different city. I did declaration by the police but they didnt do anything with it.

My mom gotted a relationship with this man and I started to live in his place. I finally could settle myself somewhere, because in the past we moved from place to place after the house was sold. I made new friends and I was trying to forget the past. Still I walked around as a very insecure person which felt very negative in everything. I was getting enough attention of girls but I was always so insecure about myself and I couldnt let anyone get in my comfortzone. The relationship from my mom and this man was a kinda confusing one. We moved on our self and my mom was seeing this man from time to time. I never forget the moment when she was called late at the evening.. This man died from a heartattack on a age of 44. After a period I was looking for methods for diversion and I smoked weed on daily base and I drank alcohol 2 times a week. I was living a very bad lifestyle, but I didnt took help, maybe because I was too insecure. I finished high school and went to study hospitality. I choosed this without a reason actually. I didn’t know what to do with live so I was making very impulsive decissions. I couldnt stop smoking weed, altough it gave me anxiety attacks now and then. I went to do magic mushrooms to try something else to ran away from my life, but it was a negative experience mostly. The first hour I was in a huge anxiety attack which I was trying to hide from my friends because of my insecurity and I didnt wanted to ruin ambiance. After a while I could sweep the space over me and I actually could enjoy some bits of what I saw. It was definetly a weird experience, because I felt if was in another kind of demension or something. Well after this experience I continued my bad lifestyle, till the moment I was getting a massive anxiety in my classroom when I smoked weed before class. I walked to my house for 2 hours because I was too afraid of taking the bus. The next days I was starting to get a lot of hyperventilations. The world felt like a dangerous place and the only safespot was my bedroom. I continued to go to school, but it became increasingly common that I moved to home after 1 hour of class due of anxiety. I continued to go to school but it became harder and harder... Now I couldnt get past the door anymore. I quited my study and job.

I stayed home for like a and I stoped with everything I did in the past exept smoking cigarettes. I couldnt get even to a supermarket. I was getting help of a doctor, but it didnt helped me and to come over that place was a complete hell. After a year I finally was getting help of a decent psycholist which is helping me now for almost 2 years. I think I had almost every type of anxiety that exist, but the one which is there most of the time is the fear of losing control.

After 2 years its getting a little better step by step and step by step with doing things, but the way I feel doesnt really change a lot. Now I am in a position where I think a lot about life and I have depressed thoughts. I am taking AD to help for my anxiety but it should also work for depression. I see people going on with life and I feel like my life is never gonna be normal. I have depressed thoughts like I would never get a relationship, finish a study, getting a job etc etc. I took a lot of steps the past 2 years but I got the feeling that the next steps are too big to take. I feel stuck with life and I wonder why I deserved this. Im looking for diversion in making and learning music, this helps me a bit but not completly obvious. Making electronic music is a expensive occupation and because I have no job its hard to obtain it. Im doing EMDR therapy which helps a bit but still I feel so misserable. WHY DO I DESERVE THIS? And what do I need to do to live a happy life. I couldnt even drink 1 beer without anxiety.

Something which I definetly want to point out is that this 'stepdad' is still sometimes in my envoirement when he is taking up my sister. I always hide upstairs when he is home.

Can somebody please help me out a bit and give me tips? I would apreciate it a lot. Matter effect I really apreciate if you have read my complete story. If something isnt clear please ask me. Its obvious that English isnt my first language, but I tried my best.

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