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Found out I HSV-2 and have been in a long-term relationship for two years...HELP.

Posted , 8 users are following.

luna1321
luna1321

Hi, I'm 25 an I found out about 2 months ago that I have HSV-2. It was extremely unexpected as I've been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for about 2 years now. I was extremely upset when I found out about it and I am still very embarassed, ashamed, insecure, discourage, humiliated, feeling alone and depressed about it. When I found out that I had herpes, I told my boyfriend immediately, since I suspected he might have given it to me, but he was sure he hadn't and was tested after the news to confirm that. Part of me is very confused since I don't know who gave it to me...I can count on two hands the number of partners I've had since I first became sexually active about 8 years ago. Since I have no idea when I contracted the disease, nor have I had an outbreak before this one, I have no way of knowing. For anyone that doesn't know, the usual STI tests don't always check for HSV (something I found out when I heard the news, since I was regularly tested). Another part of me is so angry, and I have no one to be angry at, so I feel like I'm just bottling things up.. thinking why me, why did I get this, what did I do to deserve it. 

My boyfriend's reaction to me having herpes is something I am constantly dwelling on and replaying in my head, and feeling extremely insecure about. HE expressed his concern and knew that it wasn't my fault, and it was out of my control. But he aslo made it very clear that he didn't want to get HSV (which I totally understand), and that he wanted to take all the precautionary measures to ensure he didn't. This is obviously a warranted reaction, but it still makes me feel so dirty, diseased, and discusting. I've gotten to a point now where I'll forget I even have HSV for a while at least (since I've only had the one outbreak), until we are intimate (which unfortunately isn't often since we live a 6 hour drive apart) and we pause to grab a condom.. then BAM! I remember that I have herpes and feel so disgusted with myself and insecure in the moment and unsexy about it. I also feel like after the news, we haven't been as connected intimately... like things are kind of off and not as passionate as usual. I know I'm probably overreacting but I feel like he is being so cautious everytime we're intimate and that he sometimes looks at my vagina to make sure I don't have symptoms at the time. I go through phases now where I'll be okay with not thinking about the fact that I have herpes and then one day it'll be on my mind and I wont' be able to think about anything else for days and I'll cry myself to sleep thinking about how discusting I am, and how this is going to change the rest of my life. 

To this day, I still haven't told anyone else that I have herpes. I don't think I've fully come to terms with it, and I'm still so embarassed about it. I just fear what people will think because of the very negative stigma that is attached to it. But it's also so hard for me to accept this with having no one to talk to about how I'm feeling (so I'm hoping this will help). Right now I'm doing everything I can to ensure I don't have another outbreak - I'm taking the medication daily, eating healthy and getting enough sleep, wearing protection during sex and ensuring my immune system is in tip-top shape. The medication I take daily gives me extremely bad headaches, but I deal with that to ensure I don't pass it on to my boyfriend. 

Now, where things get complicated is when we talk about the fact that my boyfriend has HPV (genital warts) and I found out about half a year before my diagnosis with HSV. I was obviously surprised to hear that he had it, and was tested after the news (negative for HPV, and vaccinated just in case). It obviously wasn't ideal, but I ultimately knew I wasn't willing to end things or to give up our sex life to ensure I didn't get it from him. I understand that there is a good chance I could get it everytime we have sex, and I've accepted the fact that it's very possible and I would not resent him if I did end up getting it - since I know the risks. To this day, he is still struggling to get rid of genital warts around his groin, and I have not shown any symptoms of catching it. I know this is probably wrong, but when I compare his reaction to mine I feel like he is being a bit hypocritical of my diagnosis considering he has HPV...

When comparing them both, I consider them to be quite similar.....they can both be dormant (asymptomatic) or symptomatic and are something you have for life. Neither have a cure. They both have a negative stigma attached to them. They are both more contagious when symptoms are present, and still contagious when they're not. Condoms cannot fully prevent either STI (since skin uncovered by condom can transmit the infection). They both cause unpleasant symptoms. When I look at it this way, I feel almost angry that he makes me feel so insecure and discusting (unintentionally) about having herpes when I have done nothing but support him after his diagnosis of HPV. 

I know there is alot going on here, so I'm really just looking for some support/opinions on how do deal with the fact that I have herpes, how I can help my boyfriend understand how I'm feeling, and how we can come to common ground over all this and I can move on with my life. This is very new to me, and frankly I'm extremely overwhelmed with what has happened lately...but this is a man that I am sure I want to marry and start a family with one day and I'm determined to not let this come between us. So if anyone has any input I'd be so grateful for your help...

0 likes, 11 replies

11 Replies

  • Alexinator
    Alexinator luna1321

    Posted

    I agree with you that your bf seems to be kind of a hypocrite when it comes to your situation. You're more than willing to get his virus but not the other way around (not that anyone would want it) it seems a little fishy to me, I would just talk and see whats going on with that. Hopefully its something easy and you both can move forward with your relationship.
  • FelizCastus
    FelizCastus luna1321

    Posted

    Out of interest, how were you and your bf tested for HSV?

    If I were you, I'd be annoyed about the double standards over HPV/HSV. But then again, maybe he's thinking that he's already got one STD, so doesn't want another.

    Best thing is to tell him how you feel, like you did here.

    • luna1321
      luna1321 FelizCastus

      Posted

      6FelisCatus,

      It was a blood test I believe in conjunction with the usual swab cultures that they do to screen for STIs.

    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus luna1321

      Posted

      You don't know the specifics? I always ask this where the poster doesn't say, because some doctors/clinics order the wrong blood tests for herpes or interpret the index values too literally. Positive swab tests are accurate. Positive/negative blood tests may not be, depending on the type of test performed, etc.
    • luna1321
      luna1321 FelizCastus

      Posted

      All I know about the tests is that they suspected herpes because of the symptoms I was showing during what was my first outbreak so they tested to confirm that theory and rule out other possibilities.
    • FelizCastus
      FelizCastus luna1321

      Posted

      Your diagnosis is likely correct, I suppose, but if your bf tested by IgM, for example, that's not accurate. Needs to be IgG. First outbreaks usually occur around the time of infection. Seems odd for you to have a first outbreak while he's negative. Also, if they swab and blood tested you for herpes at the same time, that can tell whether you had a new infection or not. Too bad you don't know the specifics and don't have your lab report.
  • cartercali
    cartercali luna1321

    Posted

    It's very double standard for him to react to herpes like that when he is in a similar position ..

    What in the world ????

    If you are taking suppressive medicine is very rare that he will contract the disease ..

    But seeing how as you are willing to risk your health for him shows a lot ...

    You guys should be able to get over this .

    The person that infected me with herpes says he has HPV too . Which makes me confused..

    I was contemplating on Maybe going back or something with him .. But he doesn't even know what he has ..

    Have you talked to him about this ??

    And why he acts the way he does ?

    • luna1321
      luna1321 cartercali

      Posted

      I have tried to mention it and have a conversation about this but I think it just upsets him more because I'm still very much emotional about the topic and have struggled coping with the news. I went for about a week after my diagnosis not leaving my bed, missing school and work, being very closed off and depressed (even thoughts of suicide- something I've struggled with my whole life). So I think for us to talk about that kind of scares him. And I don't really think he has taken any time to really see how his actions and reactions affect how I feel about myself. Finding out I had herpes was very unexpected and turned my whole world upside down. I'm currently in a city were I don't have a lot of friends, I'm away from my family, and my boyfriend lives away... So I haven't really had anyone to lean on after the diagnosis. And I think that's why I'm struggling so much with it...
  • Carter_Drake
    Carter_Drake luna1321

    Posted

    Hello Luna. I just found out too. I'm so mad that maybe I'm not mad. I can't think of words to express it. If you love this man then stay with him. I wonder about the situation, if I had known would I still be with her. And if I would be cautious about her condition. The answer is yes to all. I'm not sure if I would spread her legs and thoroughly inspect, as I know this would make her insecure. But then again I cannot say because fear changes people.

    Believe it or not I have already taken a shot at two women since, it seemed that the woman that I was able to get to listen to me long enough was actually comfortable with it. I really hate to admit it but that is one thing that I think the forms are spot on with: you as the carrier must work hard to ease your partners fear. If you are in the routine of using condoms then maybe it should not be such a huge problem for him to not use a condom when you plan to become pregnant.

    And ask for him being hypocritical of your condition that is completely ridiculous. It is terrible that in light of your disease he has forgotten about his own.

    I want to say not to let this get you down, but this is coming from someone that had a pistol in his mouth just hours ago. That would only make me more angry.

    I hope I gave some sort of help. After all, I am experiencing the same feelings. smile

    P.S. Good on you for judging him in the first place. Hopefully he can do the same.

  • swan23
    swan23 luna1321

    Posted

    Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Your boyfriend is being unfair and hypocritical. You need to remind him you are in the same boat. At the same time I can understand his wariness. I have HPV and would very much like to avoid getting HSV if I can help it. I haven't felt sexy or turned on since finding out 2-3 weeks ago (Dr thought it was herpes at first which is why I signed up to this forum). I don't think my Sex life will ever quite be the same but I hope it gets better, for you too. The one good thing about HPV is you can build your immune system up to help fight the virus and 'get rid' of it within a couple of years (though some say it stays in your system but dormant) there have been women who have tested negative after previously having it. How familiar is your boyfriend with the ins and outs of both HPV and HSV? He appears to consider herpes worse which is where his behavior stems from. Have you pointed out his hypocrisy? Or asked in what respect he considers them different?
  • Mysterious23
    Mysterious23 luna1321

    Posted

    I would just like to give my perspective on the topic. I was raped when i was 16 years old and was test some months after that and received a positive HSV2 test. I feel as though I dont want to have a long term relationship because I have been left in the past because I have confessed what I have.

    Now my current boyfriend is leaving me because he is allergic to condoms and is terrified of getting HSV2. I am doing everything I can to keep him from leaving me. We have been together for a year and i told him a couple months back. He just wants to know he is safe and Im trying to show him. He is so paranoid that he cant sleep at night. We have sex unprotected for a year now and he still does not have it. I take my medication regularly and dont have sex with him when I have a breakout.

    He has been my best friend for years before we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But now everything is going down the drain. We had our future planned and now I am moving out.

    My grandmother has given me advice bc she too has HSV2. She was in a 12 year relationship with her husband and has never given him the diease. They never had protected sex and she was openly honest with him.

    I do believe everyones infection is different. I dont breakout much which I believe I wont give it to someone because I take my medicine and dont have sex with breakouts. I am going to my doctor this week to see if they have some way of screening for every month by swabbing the inside of me to see if they can get a positive reading that way. I feel as though if they get a reading of negative then i wont give it to him. Also, I dont believe everything doctors say because I believe some are just trying to make money

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