Freedom in sight?

Posted , 6 users are following.

Hi there,

Having read all the comments in this discussion I thought that maybe my first 3 weeks can help someone and maybe I can get some support. I am now starting my 4th week on Naltrexone. The first day was horrific, I was so angry with myself and the world, drank loads of wine and three sleeping tablets to drown it all out. Second day a hangover from hell and again tried to drink normally but vomited violently. Even though I made a serious decision to get my freedom back, I was feeling sad, mad and was mourning my old life. I need to mention that I started with the 50mg dose immediately not knowing to start slow. The third day, I did not have a drink at all, which must have been the 1st time in years. 

Ha, here I thought, well I must be one of those where the method works immediately, which in hindsight is complete nonsense. It takes time to change your thought patterns.

However, my wine consumption halved in the 1st week, but increased to a one third in the second week and in week 3 it increased slightly again.

I must say this does not make me happy. I am torn between being patient for the method to work and feeling guilty that I have not cut down more. I have terrible dreams and wake up panicky and anxious. 

I do not take sleeping tablets regularly. I have someone that controls my tablets, so only in extreme situations can I beg him for a sleeping tablet. 

I do drink my first glass of wine slowly and consciously and the wine does not taste the same, but I think I enjoy being intoxicated, so I continue to drink irrespective.

I do a lot of sport, but in the mornings, so mostly my fuel is alcohol. In the evening I want to relax and drink wine. The habit was formed over more than 20 years and is not easy to break.

I have however seen some real positive changes in the last 3 weeks. I have a lot more energy. I beat my personal best over 5km by 1min, which is completely new to me. I take time to do my house chores. I love my vegetable garden again and spend hours weeding, planting and just watching it grow. 

The bottom line is that alcohol is a jail, with a sentence for life unless I break out of it. The only time I socialise is at the gym or an organised run. I never go out in the evening, because I want to stay at home alone and drink wine and watch TV. I am single and live alone and with all the wine drinking I actually enjoyed being alone. I never felt lonely.

However, now that I start cutting down the wine, I really feel the loneliness as I don't have the wine to such an excess anymore to dull my senses. 

Anyone out there feeling the same?

By the way, I think more about wine now than before I started TSM, but I guess that will fade.

Cheers

CK  

1 like, 11 replies

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11 Replies

  • Posted

    I'm at a similar stage to you.

    ?No side effects at all from the tablets and drinking cut by 50% in week one. A slight rise in week two before being under 50% in week three.

    ?But it's still way too much and, as I start week four, I realise I'm going to have to raise my game and work harder on all my triggers.

    Which is pretty much everything the minute I leave the house!

    ?And we're both learning that stopping drinking is a two stage process. First stopping and then learning what to do with all the non-drinking time we have on our hands.

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    • Posted

      Hi Alex,

      From what I understand in your message is that you leave the house to go drinking. Do you go to pubs etc.?

      What do you mean by triggers? What are your triggers? 

      Please let me know how it goes. It is very hard to do this alone. My family do not really understand how TMS works and they are not that interested to find out about it either, so the normal question from them would be "how is your not-drinking going?".

      I then worry that they think I will never make it, because I am not cutting down enough. 

      But lets see. Here comes the weekend....

      Cheers

      CK

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    • Posted

      I live in the centre of a medium size city and there must be well over 100 places selling alcohol within five minutes of my apartment.

      So the temptation is always there.

      ?My research says time and time again that Naltrexone can take anywhere from three to nine months to fully work (or longer) (or not work at all) so I don't think we should be expecting too much by the end of week three!

      ?Personally speaking, I've found that the drug is good at taking away most of the buzz but it doesn't take away all the other things that are nice about pubs. Naltrexone only takes away the desire for ethanol but it does give me the chance to think about what to do with my life now that I am not a slave to a drug.

      ?Having read your posts the most obvious thing I can say is that you might want to consider doing sports in the evening so that you are doing something you enjoy in your drinking zone.

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    • Posted

      Hi Alex,

      I had to laugh at your last sentence. It is indeed the most obvious solution, one that i have told myself numerous times and so does my family and my sport friends. However, I am 56 years old and wake up at 5h00 in the morning, working a full day, which means that by the time I come home I am dead tired. 

      While we were training for a triathlon in December I had to go swimming in the ice cold sea after work in order to get swimming fit and it felt so extremely good. I wish I could bottle that feeling, but unless I have an event to train for I am very reluctant to get into the sea after work. Too much effort, getting into the wetsuit, then battling with the cold and then showering and getting ready for the evening. Sounds crazy. I am still working on the idea to doing just that.

      Hold thumbs. How are you getting along. I only had 4 glasses of wine yesterday and feel great this morning. Going for a 3 hour cycle in the desert just now.

      Cheers

      CK

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  • Posted

    Hi Sporty, 

    I have been attempting to moderate my alcohol use for almost a year with Naltrexone.  I desperately wish I could be a normal drinker but for me, even with the help of naltrexone, I have had to face the fact that I am not.  I really love the intoxication experience and one doesn't get that with naltrexone...that is the point.  

    I don't really see the point if it is not to get that head shift at the end of a busy and stressful day.  Over this year, I have done a lot of saying "that is it, I can not drink!" then trying one more attempt to control my drinking.  tt is a head and thinking problem rather than a physical problem for me. 

    So, I am one who observes Lent and so this past Wednesday started a "fast" from alcohol.  I'm scared to say "never again" because I can see my pattern over 19 years of doing that and returning to use over and over again.  

    I am a divorced professional woman.   I live alone.  I am happy being alone.   I definitely have a lifelong social anxiety problem but I have noticed that alcohol definitely worsens that.  

    Sorry this is not a happy story but it is a true one.  

    All my best, 

    Barye

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    • Posted

      Hi Barye,

      That is indeed not a very encouraging story, but this is why I am on here. I need to know how everyone is doing on TSM. 

      Did you take the pill religiously? The way I understand your message is that you did not take it because you want to get the feeling. Completely understandable.

      I have to give it up though, because the "drunk me" is a completely different person. No barriers, no inhibitions and not at least concerned about any consequences. The sober me can't take it. I get such a bad conscience and get depressed with a large dose of self-loathing. 

      I am a highly qualified scientist, so the "drunk me" just does not fit in my life. Everything that I build up with my career I can break down within one night of getting completely drunk. And you must know the "drunk me" loves everyone and is not a rational thinker.

      I curb my drinking by going to bed very early in the evening and waking up early in the morning, but this means that I can never accept an sundowner or supper invitation, This drinking puts huge constraints on my life. I need to break those constraints and live free.

      Like you, the best part of my day is my "wine hour" more like hours. I have a love affair with red wine, but this affair just breaks me down. 

      I really hope your fasting goes well. That would be impossible for me to do. I just treasure my daily dose of wine.

      Good luck.

      Cheers

      CK

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    • Posted

      I did not take it religiously, no.  My understanding was that you take it about an hour before you want to drink.  Mine has been a cycle of being "moderate" (taking the medicine on the days I was drinking) and then just getting the f-its...and then (hungover) vowing to quit, going a few days and then desperately wanting to drink again.  

      I had a "last time" in January which brought me to this site which is very helpful.  ( I've been sober before via AA for 2.5 years once and 15 months the 2nd time and 3 months the third.  I hate AA.)     This time, I drank again after 10 days which was a joy but then within a few days I was back to the misery of it making me feel terrible in the morning and being the center of my thoughts i.e., first, how miserable I am...then thinking I could have a drink...then planning to have only two...then buying 6 to cover the rest of the days until lent...ug!)  I am a professional too and hate the cranky, red-faced, hungover, self-conscious me at work.  

      Thanks for the luck and back to you!  It will work out for all of us, this I know.  

      Barye

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  • Posted

    I deal with a lot of people who abuse alcohol because I am a criminal defense attorney and though your problems aren't like theirs at all, I think you need to give yourself some credit. First of all you're exercising which helps to deal with the anxiety side effect of not drinking as much as you were. Secondly it's sounds like you eat healthy with the garden and that you are trying to find other outlets for stress like gardening and exercise. If you've been on alcohol and possibly pills for 20 years and you've cut down by a third that's a huge achievement. Give yourself time to heal you're on the right track, the friends will be there when you start to get better and the fun things to do other than stare at the TV while getting drunk.

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  • Posted

    I deal with a lot of people who abuse alcohol because I am a criminal defense attorney and though your problems aren't like theirs at all, I think you need to give yourself some credit. First of all you're exercising which helps to deal with the anxiety side effect of not drinking as much as you were. Secondly it's sounds like you eat healthy with the garden and that you are trying to find other outlets for stress like gardening and exercise. If you've been on alcohol and possibly pills for 20 years and you've cut down by a third that's a huge achievement. Give yourself time to heal you're on the right track, the friends will be there when you start to get better and the fun things to do other than stare at the TV while getting drunk.

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    • Posted

      Thank you Counteecullen. I needed to hear this on this exceptionally beautiful Sunday morning. It is just so amazing getting up in the morning having had only 4 glasses of red wine the night before. All my senses are clearer and I am completely calm. Besides my normal morning nausea I am ready to go cycling in the desert for 3 hours. 

      Hopefully, I don't want to reward myself for that effort this evening again. One day at a time. I guess the fear of aging lies very deep in-rooted in me and alcohol only speeds it up.

      Happy Sunday to all.

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  • Posted

    Hi Sporty - Sounds like you are moving towards healthier consumption.  I can totally relate to that beauty experienced in the morning after not getting tanked.  I notice that is is dimmed even with just a little bit of alcohol.  I still love alcohol and after these 50 days of Lent, I will probably retry the TSM..not sure.  

    I know I am in the early stages of alcoholism...no dependency symptoms such as seizures or withdrawals but it is a central organizing principle of my days which is sort of deeply stupid and disturbing.  

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