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Friends dropping like flies...

Posted , 10 users are following.

luvinlex
luvinlex

It's something that started slow and I understood.. After my surgery, when I was "laid up" those first few days, I had a gazillion people come by. People did my grocery shopping, took my dog for a walk, sat w me while I got in and out of the tub, brought me food and milkshakes, took me to the doctor, picked up prescriptions.. Called to check on me. 

Then, slowly, you realize some people have stopped calling and you understand. 

Then, your good friends start to stop coming over and say things like "why don't you walk your dog?" or "YOU can walk down the road to the mailbox" and it was not that I couldn't do it, I was a bit scared to fall or lose my balance, but I did start doing for myself. More and more, started driving myself to PT. 

Seems like every conversation I had with people had something to do with my hip, or I had hair falling out, or I was depressed, or I didn't have an appetite, or lost weight. 

I missed the birthday party of one of my BEST friends... and she was so upset, she left me a voicemail ( I think she was tipsy ) and said, "You didn't come to my party, you didn't even call to tell me why, so you know? Have a nice life, I'm through with you, I love you but I just give up, again, I love you but have a nice life, I can't do this anymore" Well??? That's pretty harsh for missing a birthday party... and especially from such a good friend. 

Less emails or text messages. Another friend, she does my hair. She gave me a gift certificate for free color and cut, then she needed $100 to make her mortgage payment the next day...now, I've never heard a word from her. I haven't talked to her for so long, finally she said "how about Monday?" on Monday, she called and said "I'm just in a funk, and I can't do your hair, but I'll call when I can work it in" Now, weeks and weeks later, still no call. I don't want to bug her because she certainly knows about the hair and the money both. So, one is avoiding me. One good friend, he met a girl and she was jealous and we never had anything going on, worked together for 15 years, lives right next door. He calls and say's "we can't be friends anymore, my girlfriend doesn't believe a man and woman can "just" be friends. So... I'm sorry. That was back about a month post op near Christmas. He never called once, "can I pick you up some things from the store?" "How are you coming along?" Nothing... and even though I told him I understood, I felt like I was just tossed aside w no consideration for my feelings. He just texted last week and said "do you think we'll ever talk to each other again?" WHAT?? I said "Right now, I really don't know" and left it at that. Another good friend, who lives in Perth, known for 9 years, I'm always writing her about the hip or I'm driving or my doctor is mean or my scar is horrible and she wrote me an email last night, she didn't say "me" by name, but she said her body, ( she has arthritis and bone cancer and breast cancer ) She's good w her cancers, but she aches and stays in bed a lot. If she can, she'll go to walk on the beach. (btw, the average price for a house there is $600,000 and a pack of cigarettes is $50 ) Well, she's very cool, had a website called Reinventing Myself full of great articles. So, her email said that she'd been in pain and that she felt like a sin eater, that when she gives her energy away to other people, it makes her weaker and weaker. That she needs some lightness in her life, free from problems, free from drama, politics etc.. and I know she meant I was dragging her down and sucking the energy out of her. That she needed a "break" again, not mentioning my name. To build her energy, and to feel better. I wrote back and apolgized for anything I'd done, that I know I'd loaded her down with my problems, and I didn't realize it. She had said all the energy she is losing is literally killing her. So, I didn't take it personally, I just told her I understood and for her to get well.. and she sent a link from youtube "access" a place where they have discussions on healing your body, and how to get rid of problems, etc... so, I got the picture after watching the video. So, it was like, 1, then 2, then 3, and now #4. I can't afford to lose anymore friends. At this age, you only have a handful of good ones. I don't know what to do to change or repair these frienships. It's hard to not have someone to call, if they won't answer your call. They see it's you, and just let it go to voice mail, then never call you back. I emailed another friend and said "I don't mean to bug you, but I haven't even talked to you since April 14th!" She said there was nothing wrong, that she was getting her dad settled in an assisted living center, she was his chauffer, did his shopping and she also has twin 11 year old boys. But.. I had emailed her and thought "here is another person who doesn't care to talk to me anymore" I have some issues with anxiety, and sometimes just don't want to go to parties or be around groups of people. I shouldn't get a "have a nice life' phone call. Now, I'm afraid to say anything to anybody... "my dog has constipation" or "I took a nice hot bath" because my days are really not that interesting. 

So... maybe don't burden your friends so much, and use this forum to talk hippie things, not them. I never thought about it until it was too late.sad

2 likes, 18 replies

18 Replies

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  • Catherine456
    Catherine456 luvinlex

    Posted

    So sorry...I think we all experienced some of this...neighbors even bring food 1st and 2nd day...then no calls,texts ..forces you to become independent. I don't have any words other than your not the only one....take it easy
    • luvinlex
      luvinlex Catherine456

      Posted

      I know it's not good to sit around and worry about things in the past that you have no control over. You just need to be mindful to keep that from happening if not again, not so much. IF you ever talk to these people again. Wow, I didn't realize how long my post was!! No wonder people get worn out!!rolleyes
  • Loral
    Loral luvinlex

    Posted

    Nobody really cares do they. Life goes on and we have to move on too...
    • luvinlex
      luvinlex Loral

      Posted

      You're right, they just move along. My life is also so different than others, I'm not married, no children, both parents have died... so I depended on my friends more than other people might. Just a bit lonely
  • Chris8968
    Chris8968 luvinlex

    Posted

    I've never gotten a call or visit from anyone. My teenaged daughters live with me which is great but sometimes I need adult interaction and my girlfriend is so busy that I see her about an hour a day. My parents haven't had anything to do with me or my daughters for years and since my daughters and I moved up here 7 years ago with nothing my priorities have been raising them as a single father and working full time. Making friends didn't fit in. I have felt very lonely since I lost my job 8 months ago and I was stuck at home without any transportation. My car broke down and I couldn't afford repairs. I'm awaiting my second THR then I have to find a new job at 47 years old.

    What I'm getting at is things could always be worse. It's time to focus on the positive and take care of yourself. Don't focus on what anyone else is doing or not doing. I recognize that depression in our situation is very real and most of us suffer it to some degree or another but this to will pass.

    Yes, I would have liked visitors and phone calls but I guess since I'm a male people just expect that I don't need that sort of thing. I have many acquaintances being involved with local community theatre but havent heard from anyone so for now I listen to girls teenage drama when my daughters come home from school, then they go off to do their things and I'm left alone again but I do appreciate the time they spend with me. My girlfriend has an hour from the time she gets home and has to go to play rehearsal. On the weekends she goes to see her daughter and new grandson so I'm usually left home alone again.

    • luvinlex
      luvinlex Chris8968

      Posted

      I can feel some of your pain. Boyfriend left after 9 years, I had to give up house to him or pay the whole mortgage myself. Then, I lost my job and had to file bankruptcy. The engine block on my car cracked and needed to borrow $4000 to get a new one. Went on unemployment, then on disability...You never know what another person is going through. Glad you've got your daughters, they are always good to you, even after they get married, then you get grandkids.. 2 daughters - wooo that's tough. So, on the very worst day of my life, I made it 100% through it and it didn't kill me. I expect more unpleasant things will happen to me, after my mother died.. I have never been the same. She took a large part of me with her. We were so close.. this weekend is a sad one. 
    • luvinlex
      luvinlex Chris8968

      Posted

      You know when you hit rock bottom.. you appreciate the small things, the small kindnesses. A small but nice place to live, my dog, with heat and AC, a yard, food, roof over your head, that stuff. I don't want the things I used to think would make me happy. A cabin in the woods, a dog, a fire..let my hair go gray. Then, I'd fall and break my hip and nobody would hear me and I'd be eaten by wild animals... So, I'm good where I am. There are so many transitions in life we have to handle and we never know what they'll be...
    • Chris8968
      Chris8968 luvinlex

      Posted

      I hit rock bottom 7 years ago when I turned 40. The economy tanked, I lost my job, our home went into foreclosure, car repossessed, and then my wife of 15 years decided she no longer wanted to be a wife or mother anymore. My daughters and I moved over a thousand miles away to be near family and start over again. I lost all my possessions but got custody of the girls. My family was somewhat helpfull at first as long as I did everything the way they wanted me to. As soon as I made a decision they didn't agree with they disowned me and the girls. They were never really there for me anyways.

      After recovering from that all that, my situation now doesn't seem that bad.

    • luvinlex
      luvinlex Chris8968

      Posted

      Wow... It's so true "walk a mile in my shoes" - we all have things nobody knows about when they just look at us.. walking down the street..at the grocery..getting gas. My ex husband, his father was worth millions after working for General Electric and buying stock for 35+ years. He left my ex and his sister everything. Neither have children. But, he used that his whole life to hold over their head. "Disinherit" you... He even made some sort of trust that a person oversees and they couldn't touch until they were 60. Then, they are only allowed so much a month. ( I don't understand these things, but I guess it's so neither one of them would go blow the wad at once ) Anyway, what I meant, is that even after his death, he had his hand from the grave around their ankles. I'm glad you got the things that money can't buy, and that's your girls. Bouncing back is so hard, and keeping any sort optimism almost impossible. I think we're about ready to hit hard times again. The rich... they have nothing to worry about except taking away government help from the poor and turning up their noses at school lunches, after school programs, food stamps, subsidized housing. I just wish they knew what it was like. That people aren't askin for a hand out. They worked all their lifes to have pension. Even that, it's impossible to live on. Do I think I'll ever IN MY LIFE own a new car? No. Trips to "Tuscany" like your friends to? No. I've got to be happy w what I've got... and be grateful for the little things.
  • debbi1949
    debbi1949 luvinlex

    Posted

    How long a period of "askng for help" did you have? Couple of weeks? Couple of months? Couple of years? I'm due for mine in June and only anticipate at most, a couple of months. When you said you couldn't get your mail because you were afraid to fall, I totally get that, but couldn't you use a walker? Did you have a walker? You look young in your picture. When was your surgery and are you still feeling dependent now? Take care!
    • luvinlex
      luvinlex debbi1949

      Posted

      The first week. People are buzzing around like flies, the door is like a revolving one. People have sets of keys so they can check. Help you in and out of the tub. PT comes in, you begin to walk and use just a walker, and then people see "oh, she can walk!" Well, I can't go down steps, I can't drive, I can't go to laundry room or get groceries. So, there were a few people who hung on another month of so, but these were the REAL friends.. and I even got Christmas cards and emails all saying "I want to come by and see you!!!" and you know? It was all just empty BS. To get my mail, I have to walk down some steps, go through a courtyard, then down a long driveway, that's ashphalt. Quite a little walk.. I stopped taking the dog because she would pull on me, even though little, my mailbox key, the mail, her poo bag, and her and leash, was such a chore. I used a walker for awhile.. even on w the seat and wheels and breaks w a little basket. ( ended up donating that ) until I felt I was able to walk it alone. Again, not up some rock terrain or anything. The fear of falling is I think a lot just in your head. The bathtub was the worst obstacle. Living alone, you can imagine all the dangers I had filled my head with.. but, time actually does make it a lot better, you build your confidence, you might be hurt that your friends have stopped calling or stopping by... but I'm good. It was just a shock at how fast they left. I'm 5 months post op. No, I feel independent, I drive anywhere and do anything I want. Maybe getting up off the sofa, I might need a hand or a arm - low seats are the worst! Each day you grow more strong... and find things like "find summer shoes" to keep you busy. I'm not sure what kind of shoes I'll be wearing from now on...cry 
  • bini31328
    bini31328 luvinlex

    Posted

    Hi

    I think when we having to be so focused on ourselves and feel so vulnerable it's hard to see how life goes on by so much faster for others . I had a friend phone the other day to say she wanted to come and visit 'the invalid' - had to explain this was my 3rd week back at work - she couldn't believe it . Your friend with the cancer is on a journey of her own and I guess has to deal with it as best she can but its a shame she is losing your friendship - other friends - when they have dramas in their own lives are sometimes unable to focus on anything but that . The rest of it is people just not understanding how difficult this process us and how long you are unable to function properly . I am sorry you feel abandoned , that's a miserable feeling . Try not to be too lonely hon , you have lots of friends on here xxxxxx big hug

    • luvinlex
      luvinlex bini31328

      Posted

      Thanks. Sadly, it's something you get used to. But, who knows what tomorrow brings? Hope it's not another joint replacement!!! ;-) I'm waiting for the first friend to have their hip replaced.. ha.. Thanks for the warm feelings.. 
  • steve86482
    steve86482 luvinlex

    Posted

    You have to wonder if they really were your friends. Sorry you are experiencing that. When we lost a 17 year old daughter 20 years ago everyone came over and called the first few days. By the second week it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop from 100 feet. Some don't want to be bothers and others don't know what to do or say. Hang in there
    • luvinlex
      luvinlex steve86482

      Posted

      Same when my mother died. I felt so alone...like 1/2 of me died when she died. My friends, they are all good people, but you can only depend on them for a certain time. Your life has been changed forever, their's hasn't. They go on with day to day things, you have this weight of grief that never goes away. I do think a lot of people don't know what to say or do. At times, it was the friend who came over, sat on the porch, watched lightening bugs, heard the crickets noises, and we just sat. We didn't have to talk. She knew... those friends are precious. I rarely had a day that I wasn't w my mom taking care of her.. once w a friend to the funeral home to pick a coffin ( she's funny, calls her mom and said "Guess where I am? I'm in a room filled with coffins of all shapes and colors!! It's go wierd" Those funeral home guys they can be stuffy. So, those silent nights, just sitting...no deep thoughts or talk. Those I remember best. I hold no grudges because the majority of them have already lost parents and some children. I have to learn "I'm not the center of anyone's Universe" Thanks for the kind words, and I'm so sorry about your daughter.
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