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The Miricle of Hope is alive and living in me today, I still have anxiety issues coping with crowds, noise polution and challenging issues that we all have in our daily lives but to live in a hell for 3 /4 years in a place I am supposed to feel safe and secure in bacme my worse nightmare and continued for what seemed forever.
I lived in fear every moment of the day , fear that the niegbors would lie about me again to my Housing landlord, and to the Police as they were continually operating behind my back a thug style attack on me from all angles, its caused so much pain and anguish and often required another lonely stay in hospital where I had no alternative but to return through the front door of my flat and it would all start again.
Anxiety became my companion , there was no comfort it only got worse.
Taking my life was always an option and my Anxiety taht controlled my head with lies and so much fear even took me to deaths door on a humber of occasions.
There was no let up at all, and it led to me being arrested while I was again the victim of a hate crime by my neighbors from hell.
The were calculating all the assults on me then reporting me to the Police while I was totally unaware of what was going on behind my back, my relationship totally broke down 2 years ago and any complaint to them regarding Anti Social behavior and any other matter especially the disater thta I came up against while being diagnosed with lung infection, emphysema and having no Immune system due to the challenges of long term HIV for 28 years my life was what I believd finnished when I found mold hidden inside a built in robe that was thick , black and really wet from ceiling to floor where the mould had travelled across a large floor rug that led to my bed, the mould hade travelled up into my metal bed frame which was blackened and into the pine slate then was found under the matress that I was sleeping on.
I was sick mentally , very sick physically and in trauma continually as all my medics knew that I was in danger of my life while entering a home full of mould infestation , i was escaping it all on a weekly basis whhile the Housing landlord ignored all the medical letters , the councils enviromental protection services and my mp, what should of been a serious repair situation became a 234 day of me left in a home full of mould.
Late november having been in hospital multiple times and now on a lung machine to keep me breathing stabily , i was at the lowest point of my existance , it wasnt a life i was existing , my anxiety and distress was immense , i flew back to my family in Melbourne Australia to die.
Die of a broken heart and my illness, my pain was immense.
And the Anxiety was ever increasing.
I was at deaths door, there was by this time an eviction order and all these issues travelled with me to australia where i was admitted 3 times with serious infection, depression and accute anxiety.
My family struggled to cope with the son and brother who was now close to them but not himself at all.
My pain was ever present and mostly i would continue to just break down and cry buckets of tears.
They tried to comfirt me in the limited understanding of what they were seeing.
I was not the same son and brother they had always known.
Anxiety is a devestating illness, mostly misunderstood by all even the medical practitioners who have never experienced such depths of despiar them selves but are trained to deal in a medical way with all the symptoms but they too didnt seem to understand my pain.
I returned to London to fight the eviction order and lost as the multiple lies that were seen as the court told about me from the 2 wicked neigbors who were full of hatred for me , and the landlord that left me for dead, then the local Police force who saw me as a nuisance had all written my destiny through wicked and corrupt lies to have me thrown out and left me in utter and immense pain.
I was so ill during the eviction I collapsed an ambulance was called and i was taken yet again to hospital i was driven by ambulance and stayed there for 8 nights, my best and dearest freind was also now missing as during the eviction on 22 july he ran out of the house in distress and has been on the police missing persons list since this day, i have heard nothing.
I was driven from the hospitaal directly to the Housing office at my local council where i spent all day laying around being given water by the security guards until i was given a temporary roof over my head , a local bed and breakfast place.
I had no chance to recover any items of essential furniture in my home and said goodbye to the loss of almost everything that filled my home of 4 years and the previous homes I had lived with my best mate who was also my carer.
I am writing this from my bedsitting room in the bed and breakfast, i have been here for 7 weeks and the relief is immense at last to be away from the trauma and pain of 4 years of living hell.
Step by step , inch by inch I have climed my way out of the distress with tears with every ounce of energy i could pull from my reserves and I am able to say I am doing so ,so well today, the anxiety levels are as low as can be expected right now, the mental health doctors are amazed , my hiv specialists are also delighted as I am now taking my immune medication to assist my body to cope with infection.
I have a clear mind today , I am free of the distress and all that immese pain and in one word I can pass on the secret word that can and will see everyone of us through what may be going on for you right now or has been a long lasting issue when Anxiety is allowed to take over our lives and supress us and rob us of any joy, peace and calmness .
The word that worked for me is indeed HOPE .
Hope cannot fail us , it will not dissapoint, it may require change in fact it will require changes and this can feel quite uncomfortable when there is no option but to accept this is what is happening to me and this is the way to find that freedom of mind ,body n soul that I am in need of, be prepared to feel uncomfortable when it seems a wrong decision has been made, but know that HOPE is alive in you and will not fail you.
Anxiety will tell us that everything is wrong and nothing can change without it causing me to return to all that pain , but if we are to be assured of HOPE that is on our side then we have a real chance to move forward.
Even here in this bed and Breakfast I have had to contend with some unpleasant people living in the building, petty thieves, very mentally ill people who are troubled in thier lives and bring drma and inflict thier pain on others who are here to try to find releif from the past trauma they have come here for.
I have had to go through the system and the system sucks and is painfully slow, but today after making a monday morning complaint about the attempt to break into my room and personal space and rob me of anything that i may have.
I was thinking in my head who is trying to rob me all they have to do instead of breaking in is ask me for anything that I may value and i will gladly give it away anyway as for me its all temporary materialistic stuff anyway.
And then there is the lovely but selfish drunk who has been using his room as a half way party house for the violent , the disturbed and manily criminal element who have been coming and going and causing huge nuisance to the people here who are going about thier business without distrupting the whole security of the bed and breakfast.
Oot of the blue at 4.30pm i had an email from the housing to inform me i was to meet them at a one bedroom preoprty tomorow moring to sign a new lease for my own flat.
Its not ideal in many ways for my needs but then again its a miricle that the offer has arrisen due to my complaint of the distruption of these issues I raised with my housing officer.
I have no choice but to sign for the flat on viewing it tommorow, so i am now prpearing in my mind for a move in the next few days.
Now when i contemplate where i have come from and where i am at today, is it not a mighty miricle.
I have no depression , i am no longer feeling isolated, I have clarity and a sound mind, i am able to make reasonable and responsible choices for myself and I can see clearer than I have ever been able to in over 4 years of hell in my head.
The anxiey remains but its now contorlled and not with drugs and medication, it is controlled through my will to fight my illness with all I have got, to not have everything turn to disater and to not be frigtened and scared anymore of change.
Everything in our lives must change- nothing will stay the same.
Its so true.
My point is if i can do it... so can you.
Find the HOPE that is today the most precious tool that I live with, seek help from those in here that understand and know what you are talking about.
be true to yourself and if you have to fight for freedom of anxiety and distress then i encourage you to do just that whichever way you can and that works for you.
Let the change begin and it all starts with me taking that ever important grip on HOPE that I now believe is mine.
Life is worth the living.
Dont waste any more time in accpeting the existance that degrades your precious life.
I hope you have found some encouraging and prompting thoughts that you can connect too in reading all i have said.
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