Functioning alcoholic and then came the morning drink

The first time (when I stayed sober for 8 years) I went to rehab too Kelly...but really all it is is a detox....I stayed for about 10 days...then I was on my own.

​But, what I did differently was attend AA regulary...whether I wanted to or not...I hate to say this...but I think it really works....because you have people to answer too...people looking forward to seeing you suceed...meetings available when you want to drink.

​I can't believe I admitted that out loud..but it is like a commitment to yourself...and once I started...it was like a game to accumulate time

I hated AA the first time around Missy!  I was to do 90 meetings in 90 days. I got a sponsor, went to about 15 meeings and never said a word at them.  Then I told my sponsor I didn't understand AA.  She told me I should go out and hit rock bottom and come back when I'm ready.  I cried half way home, stopped at a bar and just sat outside in my car.  Thankfully, I talked myself out of it and started going to church but I also smoked pot and that did help.  And I did hit my bottom at that time.  I drank and took handfuls of xanax back in 2002 and by the grace of God I woke up and decided on rehab. 

This time I'm doing it with the help of my doctor.  I'm living in a different area and love the people in AA.  I'm not looking forward to going back.  I have spoke at these meetings because I feel a bit more comfortable.  I just dread telling them I drank after 2 weeks sober but I do need them.

Meeting are scarce in my area so I have one on a Monday that I attend regularly.  Wednesday's there is a local meeting but also a Women's Recovery Group that I enjoyed at a local church.  They focus on staying clean and working through the Bible. Right now I'm not sure which I need more of, lol.  

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.  It really helps to talk to people who understand.  Do you plan on going back to AA?

P.S.  I made AA out to be a cult, lol.  That is so not true! )

Kelly..I really SHOULD go back to AA....I will admit it saved my life...so why don't I go back?  its not embarassment.....at all...I don't care...we have to do whatever it takes to LIVE....at least that was my attitude for the first time around.

​I am lucky to have millions of meetings around here...

​I have noticed my "witching" time for cravings is between 3-7 at night...and unfortunately...they don't have alot of meetings between then....at night they start usually right about 7...and I'm over it by then..

Look at it this way...you should be glad to be going back...the other option is possibly drinking again and worse...not ever going back. 

You have me thinking seriously about going back....

​I was one of the worst AA members..lol..but I went faithfully everyday for over the first year (sometimes 2x a day)....and then I cut down to 3-4 times a week.  My mother HATED those meetings because she said I was just as unavailable as I was when I was drinking.  I said OH WELL...I'm alive.

​I had a good girl friend..and we used to talk about everyone....and whatever else it took to keep us going back.  We hated the "God" part...I believed in God...she didn't....I just didn't like that they said..it wasn't about GOD..and all they did was talk about GOD alot....I used to roll my eyes alot.

​I did get a sponser who ended up being my sponser/friend up until she died last year.....even when I was drinking....she was a great person...if it weren't for AA...I would have never met her...she didn't die of drinking...she had an illness..

​They teach you how to live...whether you believe in them or not...I was living proof of that for 8 years.

The only thing I look forward to right now is going to my meeting tomorrow.  LIke I said, I'm ashamed to tell them I started again.  Feeling like somewhat of a failure.  

It's funny how you mentioned AA says it's not about God but they talk about him a lot.  I thought the same thing.  But, this time I'm looking at it in a different perspective.  I need it mentioned a lot.  

I really wish I were smarter in 2002.  I should have searched for a meeting that was right for me.  I just stuck with one that I didn't like because I really didn't understand it at that point.  

I do believe in AA since I started going in a different area.  They're more laid back and I'm just a country girl - thus the reason for very little meetings in my area.  If I have to drive an hour to one I will.  Yesterday I definitely should have gone to a meeting.  Yes, I got women's numbers at the meetings but I don't feel comfortable calling them yet.  

Right now, I'm feeling a bit shaky just from drinking yesterday.  Nobody to blame but myself.  

I'm glad you are going to a meeting soon...I'm glad you are more open minded about it....it shows there is hope.

I promised myself if I fall down I'd pick myself back up and try again.  Thank you!

I was once sober for 11 years after doing A LOT of research.  I got overly confident and thought I could drink again.  I believe in God and believe he had a reason for my relapse.  Everyone gets sober in their own way.  I was sober for 2 weeks and had a slip.  All day I had anxiety about the meeting and all I was about to hear.  Also, I do not want to relive my alcoholism day after day.  I remind myself by reading, going to women's recovery meetings and journaling.  

As for the medication.  I plan to use it for the first month and go off of it.  All of this is being done under my doctor's supervision.  I believe anything you can do that's all natural is best but right now.  So, if I'm giving pharmacuedical companies money for one month for my sanity it's worth it.  I certaily gave them enough for one month in 2002 when I was in rehab.  So, no, I don't plan on staying on them.  

So, as my higher power being GOD and only God I'll continue my recovery in church by meetings, services, and helping others.  

EVERYONE should be open minded and understand that AA is not for everyone and not to assume things without asking.  Thank you.

P.S.  Funny how people in AA judge about that "magic" cure.  I don't think I"m the close minded one here.

hi ...this topic brings alot of controversy...WHATEVER WORKS...

​For me...it is different...at one time it was AA...maybe I'm supposed to go back..I'm not sure...

I've been able to maintain being my own person and attending AA....but if it upset me as it does you right now...and others...I wouldn't go either.

​Work whatever works.

Hi colin!

​There is research on both sides...my uncle...stayed sober over 20 years without AA...many people do....

​As far as medication...I never thought medicine to be a magic cure...but I will tell you one thing...if I didn't sleep the first time I got sober...and SOON...I was going to drink.  It took medication for me to sleep...therefore, keeping me sober longer...along with MANY other things I did...pray, exercise, eat correctly, learn how to communicate, counseling...etc.

​I also learned while sober..that I had a mental illness that was "deemed" serious...do I believe in mental illness?  not really...I think EVERYONE has brain dysfunction to some level.  But, I will admit the medication I take as suggested by the Drs....helps me to live better than i was living without it. 

​There is no magic cure for any of us....and some things work better than others....for different folks...Different strokes for different folks.

​I say...do whatever works at the time....if AA works...than go...if it doesn't than you definetly do not want to waste your time going.

One thing I feel STRONG about thou...is AA should at least be tried...with an open MIND....before individual decisions are made.

And I am speaking from experience....I HATED the thought of going..but at one time AA saved my life...and I myself am open to going again.....I'm just not going right now...and I don't know why.

​As far as you being "missing" from this site...I think that is "too bad" because different opinions work for different people...and I like everyone's perspective....

ps..

​My higher power...was Dunkin Donuts coffee....for real...that coffee after work was a necessary element to my sobriety.  Instead of going directly to liquor store...If I made it to DD...I knew I would be ok....even if I couldn't make a meeting that night.

​The topic of G-O-D...really bothered me in AA...it took me alot of work to block that out while I was there....but I managed....and I brought it up a few times..."this is not a religious program".  I freaked out one night early in sobriety and at my time to share...I said..."If this is not a religious program! Why is GOD in the preamble?"....Why do we pray at the end?

​I got no answer just a bunch of fake smiles...lol...or the people that just wouldn't look at me.

Hi Misssy,

Thank you for replying so courteously and with a great deal of common sense. I like your 'dunkin donuts' analogy; I did the same with my own remedies at home although I wanted to be 'out there' with other people feeling needed.

I've always thought that to communicate by text leaves us without  personal interaction; body language is just one example - eye to eye contact etc. You know what I mean; we lose the personal touch - especially us men. It can be difficult to convey our feelings by text but we try......... so here goes:

I can say that being in A.A. hasn't been a bed of roses; it was very hard and confusing at times - especially as a lot of alcoholics are proficient liars but I learned how to deal with it and come what may; it kept me sober. 

I've said it before; I'm not a bible basher, religion is for the religious - not me; I'm not in the slightest bit religious. God (if there is a God) is more than welcome in my heart but my faith is not strong in that regard. I think too much emphasis is placed on A.A. being a religious program (although it did have to begin from humble beginnings using a methodology with substance) and my view, also, is that God is a seperate issue from religion. If God exists, it's a bonus (or, in some cases not) but we are primarily concerned with our, alcoholism or whatever you choose to call it. So, God or no God, we have to deal with it the best way we think fit.

None of us know for sure if God exists; faith in ourselves and the drive to create a useful life is surely (unless we find out something new) our God.

A.A. had to begin somewhere, somehow; God and religion were extremely useful tools to start with........ those ideals have worked well for thousands, maybe millions of people over the decades so something tells me it works. I'm an example.   

I get a lot of support from my belief in a higher power and that (for me) generates itself in many guises of my choosing..

I was never fearful or guilty of not paying strict adherance to the talkings in A.A. of God or religious aspects - I don't think many were. I may have been one of those with the false smile but when I did smile genuinely, I knew that the meeting had been a success for me both in terms of giving and receiving.

The real social gatherings took place at the coffee bar afterwards.

It was mainly the fellowship (with learned caution) that pressed the right buttons for me.

I think that praying at the end is a bond between each other and for me bears no significance to God or religion. For some, it was important. No-one can dispute it with authority; If there is a God, I'm sure he would rather us pretend to pray and be sober than to pray, pray and pray and then get drunk.

My thoughts about it rest simply on the fat that I do think that the religious aspect puts people off which is a shame but the whole concept taught me that there was a better way to live and I chose to follow that path. What can be a fundamental problem with A.A. is that every meeting is different in different locations but the steps and traditions remain the same. It really has been quite remarkable and unique in design.

It can sometimes be difficult to attend a new meeting alone but that is why A.A. has open and closed meetings. No-one ever needs to feel alone and vulnerable. Of course some people are particularly sensitive and would prefer to take medication or read a book or two perhaps?

My thoughts are that it is just as much a program of self awareness and a character builder as it is a program to eliminate our drinking problems. To stop drinking, for some, is just the start of our own personal restructuring.

So, as you know, you may enjoy one meeting but another one can drive you crazy; the nice thing about it is that the only requirement to become part of the fellowship is a desire to stop drinking. You know you do not have to sign a declaration to testify that you believe in God or any religion. Nor do you have to pray...... the coupling of hands at the end of each meeting says enough. 

Some people want to continue to drink; that is their choice; I would only ever ask anyone not to decry A.A. because of the 'religious' aspect that it was founded upon and that is without doubt the most obvious excuse some use not to go so that they can continue to drink. Like it or not; it is the truth! 

Thank you for listening. Best wishes, Colin.

  

Colin, I will apologize. I felt like I was being judged because I was going to AA and decided it was not for me. Remember, I did try this before....this time I'm in another area. Let me honest with you. I like the area I'm in better. I think the people are great. However, I don't like the way the program is run. I do believe in God so I have absolutely no problem with AA bringing religion into the program. As for my reasons. I'm not sure a person as yourself, who supports AA would understand it. So, to save an argument I'll pass. Whatever works is my motto. I left the group with some good things. But, overall one should not dwell over anxiety an entire day with the thought of a meeting. That is what I did. So, like I said, I'll continue my women's support group, go to church and I'll be in outpatient program again next week. Most importantly I LOVE researching all different ways to stay sober and reading as many books about drinking as I can. I must say I think I've read 75% of them. Anyway, I don't hate AA. Its just not for me. As for being open minded. I am very much so and should I fail in my way I'm not afraid to give AA another try. But, for now I gotta do what works for me. As for the meds, I've already stopped one and will be cutting back on the other this week. Can we just agree that AA works for some but not everyone? Wishing you the best and apologies again. I'm usually not so quick to react but I had just made a decision not to go back and was feeling a bit edgy. Have a great day!

Hi Kelly, thank you for your reply. I wish you well and I certainly have no quibble with you about any method of recovery you choose. 

I really do wish you well in all of your endeavours. Live your life to the full. 

Very sincerely, Colin.

 

 

Morning... Yes, the religous misconception is there...and the biggest reason most people I know don't want to go. 

​I was dedictated to going because I was desperate....desperate as the dying can be.

​When we enter AA...we are so sick...body and mind...that we are very fearful and non trusting...at least I was....and people on the outside telling me...this is not about GOD....I trusted...and then BAM...the first share I heard at a  meeting the person mentioned their "higher power" at the time I did not know there could be various higher powers...from spiritual to material....I just ASSUMED they were talking about GOD...

​i'm wondering right now..why does that turn off many people?  Including me? Many like you and me believe in a GOD or want to...so why do we get so mad? Is it fear?  Denial? I don't really know even if I dig deep I don't know why it bothered me so much...hearing this in AA but it did and it does other people.

​Like you say....I wish people could just "suck" it up basically and not put so much weight in the fact that they do talk about GOD and higher power in meetings....for some people they NEED to...to stay sober....I had to learn how to let it roll off my back if it aggitated me...because I needed to be sober.

​I asked in one meeting - the preamble mentions the only requirement for membership is the desire to stay sober.  SO I said..."I feel like I don't belong, because I DONT have a DESIRE to remain sober....I have a DESIRE to drink....and I'm here so I don't".

​And as you mentioned..."you wanted a better way to live".  AA absoultely taught me a better way to live...and how you say it...is the AA jargon that I swore I would never adhere to or learn..I am a very stubborn person....and being that way almost killed me.

​I still talk alot of AA jargon...I too feel honestly it is somewhat a "cult"...with a different language...but I needed to learn something new....it wasn't much of the books that taught me to stay sober...it was watching other people...and learning most of the sayings...as I said "Live and Let Live" was a big one for me.

​One day at a time....This too shall pass....Practice an attitude of gratidude...these sayings helped me in real life...and helped to keep me sober.

​And the one that I never thought I would say...."But for the grace of GOD go I"....I would say this...when I would enter a meeting and learn that someone died because they went back to drinking....the shock of it all....and then I had to wonder what the reason was I was still alive...I always said GOD got me to my first meeting but that I was doing the work to stay....and when someone died....I really believed I was alive by the Grace of God....but I never shared that in fear to scare off the newcomers.

​And lastly, like you mentioned I think people believe they have to follow RULES in AA...and most of us don't like RULES...there are no rules...the only requirement is the desire to stay sober....

​There are people there that like us to think there is a certain way to do that....and rules...but those are usually "their" rules....its always what works...only.

​My post is as long as yours....and you did good for a guy (lol)....the problem with these long posts...is unfortunately most people will not read them.....God bless those that do....

​See I said GOD BLESS...now coming from me...most people on this forum would not be turned off by that...but when it comes from strangers in AA....we ALL can be a little leary of what kind of crack pot that person is!

Financial reward?  People may have that misconception as well.

​I know all the monies collected in my meeting were to pay for the church space we were using, the coffee we prepared and the occassional 24 pack of donuts!

) So, for a guy, I didn't do too badly..... welll, it might be a first for me so thank you.

I feel that you speak to me from your heart. Alas, not everyone does; fear rages inside some whereas I sense no fear in you.

I thank you for being who you are and for being there for me and others; were there more like you, we could help each other more.

If there is a God, may him bless you.  

 

Thank you colin..that was quite a compliment for someone that really feels down on themselves right now...I appreciate it....I only wish I could help myself...as much as I have a drive to help others...

​Keep posting..your input is valuable to me and others

I think when you said not everyone does I fell in that category.  Please let me just say that is not like me.  I think at the moment I made the decision to stop AA for now I should have stayed offline a bit.  At the moment I tended to take things personally.  Again, my apologies! 

I agree that Missy is awesome.  She has given me some great advice.

I believe there is a God and feel we're all blessed for finding this forum

Hi Kelly, I am nor ever have been in a position to judge others; sometimes I do generalise when I ought to take more time and be more specific. I apologise to you for that although I don't think we need to draw swords about anything previously said as we are here to help each other. I hope so.

Best wishes to you.

 

Hugh? Elaborate on that "willing to give advice on medicinal based cures".

​I just don't understand....I will be giving my computer to my b/f in a minute so he can do his "morning" thing...we have routines...LOL....Routine is important to sobriety as well.

​But, I would like to understand the comment before I can form a reply and my "take" on the topic

I do hope that your 'clear as daylight' assumption does not include me, Colin.

Considering I provide support to those utilizing these 'new'ish cure and The Sinclair Method was researched in Finland, I can only conclude that you might be referring to me.

If you are, the just name me.

But if you are referring to me, then you need to do more thorough checking up on people!!

I have not now, or ever, made any finiancial gain out of The Sinclair Method.  C3 Europe is a not-for-profit organisation.  In fact, I am taking part in a sponsored cycle ride this coming weekend to raise funds to keep supporting others.  And we exist via donations.

There are many people, some of which are on this forum, who have contacted me personally for advice and suggestions.  Some have even taken advantage of the FREE counselling support that C3 Europe offer.

Personally, if it is me that you are referring to, then I don't care what you believe.

But what I DO care about and what I WILL take objection to very strongly, is if you are trying to imply to others that I am making a financial gain out of the horror of AUD.

 

I will also add that C3 Europe is a properly registered UK Ltd company, listed at Companies House.

We are due to submit our 2nd years accounts in August next year, but the 1st years accounts are available for anyone to see.

Those accounts show every penny coming in, and every penny going on to be used to provide resources, and support those who need it.

They also show that I pay for the running of the website out of my own pocket, in order that every penny can be used for the support of others!

Well said, Joanna, I am so glad you spoke up for yourself, I was getting increasingly annoyed.

I would like to take this chance to thank you for all you do and tell you how very much it is appreciated.

Pat

How can anyone make money on this website? I don't get it.

 

Think we will have to wait patiently for further explanation from Colin, Misssy.

Based on his investigations and the very thinly-hidden references to The Sinclair Method, the only 2 people who fit his quoted criteria are Paul Turner and myself.  We are also, to the best of my knowledge, the only 2 people on here who have outside websites for Colin to do some checking up on.....

So, Colin seems to me to be accusing either Paul or myself of only being on this site for some sort of financial gain (whether that be on this site itself or outside of the Patient forum).

He couldn't be any more wrong! 

Many of you will testify that I have never somehow tried to coerce any of you into parting with money, and have given freely of my time.  And even more of you can testify that with Paul, for goodness sake!

I hope Colin expands on his detective capabilities because I think we would all like to hear of how he reached this conclusion with his many years of experience of being around the block.

Lastly, I would like to add that if Colin is wondering why some of his posts get moderated, maybe it could be because (especially with this one) he is posting off topic AND falsely accusing people of financial gain!!

So, Colin, how about some expansion on what particular evidence you have used to make your incorrect assumptions??

Hi all,

I have deleted the posts referring to financial gain etc. and will be messaging the user. If anyone does need reassurance - no-one makes money from these forums. Plenty of users try but are soon deleted. If at any time anyone is suspicious of users trying to make gains (financial or otherwise) then let us know. There are report links on all posts and in any private messages received.

I can personally vouch for Joanna and Paul so let this be the end of it.

For future reference - if a discussion is going off topic like this ie pros and cons of AA etc then please report it so I can prevent it getting out of hand.

As always feel free to message me at any time if there are any issues.

Regards,

Alan

Hi! I think this is fair in that maybe colin assumed that money was being made and now it is clear.....so thank you...even thou I'm not dumb enough to have money extorted from me...my family used to do that enough...I'm a pro at identifying manipulation...ha!

​But, when you mention pros and cons of AA? Can you be more specific? Because I DO think that talking about AA pros and cons on an alcoholic site is appropriate.  I do think it is important for people that don't know what AA is about to learn from others what it is about....to decide if they want to give it a try. 

​I don't see why topics on alcoholism involving trips to AA, experiences in AA or pros and cons of AA would be moderated?  We are all adults...if we don't like a topic we don't have to read it....if we want to debate with someone without becoming vicious....than again we are adults.

​I see many of us....working thru our debates on many topics....they even worked thru this one on the money making thing....but the money making topic was not clear...and is NOW....but the AA thing will never be clear and there is no "right" answer for that and always will be a discussion between alcoholics.

Excellent way to post that. I can say although I posted "The thoughts on AA" I still did my own research and went with my gut feeling.  It was still nice hearing what others had to say on the topic.  I will always say "find what works for you" and I love hearing different opinions whether it's AA, Smart Recovery, Lifering, Women's Sobriety - all opinions help me look into them further.

Thank you Missy for always saying things I think.  You word them a lot better, lol  

 

I love people...I love writting, I love expressing my feelings.

​My cousin was a writer for the Russian newspaper...I think if I wasn't a drunk my whole life...I could have taken some path in writting and expressing feelings....just would need spell check ALL the time!

​Today I have therapy...too much going on...what topic to discuss?  LOL.  I have it 1x a week and I look at that session as a "recovery" step...I was ready to throw up my hands the other day and say FORGET all these Drs....and I'm glad I didn't do it.....so many appointments get overwhelming.

Hi Missy,

There is no issue talking about AA at all and they are not moderated.

What I meant is that there has been in the past several times where the original discussion has been completely taken over by debates/arguments specifically about AA which in some cases led to extreme views being expressed by both the for and against views and personal attacks being posted. 

I agree completely with your comment

"We are all adults...if we don't like a topic we don't have to read it....if we want to debate with someone without becoming vicious....than again we are adults." but sometimes this doesn't happen and things get out of hand.

Regards,

Alan

Thank you for the clarification!