GAD, panic attacks, dissociation, feelings of going crazy,etc

Hi, my name is Lyn. This is going to be long so please if you don't want to read it or will only read part of it, leave this page.

It's currently 4:24am and I just decided about 5 minutes ago to make this account while searching the internet in complete fear for people who are like me.

I've been having anxiety & depression problems since I was about 9 or 10 years old. My first memory of anxiety is going to bed at night, then suddenly being pulled into a daze of uncontrollable shaking and fearing that I was going to die. I'm 17 years old now. Ever since my first experiences, my anxiety is fluttering. It was horrible for the first year I felt it, I was having a panic attack constantly and never strayed from my parents. I don't really remember that much, so, sorry.

Over my middle school years I struggled with socializing and formed some kind of worthless mentality toward myself. I aways felt awkward, like people secretly hated me, thought I was ugly, etc... But yet again here I don't remember much because I've forced a lot of it out.

Fast-forward to my high school years. By this point, my anxiety has faded a lot, all except for the social aspect of it. Problem is because of my bad experiences, I started a really bad skipping habit in 7th grade. Here I am today in senior year struggling, losing it, not able to keep up. The world keeps on moving around me and I can't seem to do anything but waste my own time.

Moving onto the truly bad stuff of it all. This seemingly off the rails horrible awful series of breakdowns i'm experiencing trace back to August this year. I decided to tag with some of my buddies down to a gravel pit in the forest, and we smoked some weed. As far as I know, it wasn't laced, but I have a history with freaking out from weed so...

It had never done anything this horrible to me. All of my previous greening out experiences didn't make me think of life or death, and they passed as calmly as they could. This time, I got a pain in my chest and started to feel horrible only after 2 rips from a pipe, so I asked my friends to go on a walk with me.

My heart-rate started accelerating and my chest felt like it lost control. I had a searing burning pain in my chest right up until we walked back to the car. I asked my friends to drive around to see if it could distract me from what was going on. Tightness in my chest started. Burning, a stabbing feeling, pretty much any type of chest pain you could imagine, I had it. I was talking to my friends the entire time and voicing my concerns while they comforted me, but then scarier stuff happened. I lost feeling in my legs, then my arms. I was crying, confused, high off the earth, dazed. I called my would be future boyfriend and he talked to me for a bit.

I swore I was dying. The pain in my chest was absolutely real and it was awful. But in time it slowly eased off and by the end of the night I was passed out in my friend's bed after eating some chicken nuggets (lol).

Ever since then i've been kind of... Messed up. First it started with lots of dissociation and feeling all out of it. Within a few weeks I started having panic attacks several times a day. I started to have violent thoughts (like "Oh, I could strangle my cat" "Oh, I want to gouge my eyes out, etc" ). School started and ever since then I feel like i'm barely holding on.

Maybe it's the stress. I find most of my severe symptoms came to light after school started. I mean I've always sucked in school because of skipping and slacking off, so pulling off my graduation in my real senior year is going to be a lot of hard work.

Anyway, the thing about these symptoms is that, all I can really say to convey what I feel is "Sh*t just got real" I'm scared of myself. I'm scared i'm going to hurt myself or someone else. I'm scared that i'm going crazy. I'm scared that i'm not going to graduate and i'm terrified that i'm somehow dreaming or in a coma or not even living right now. My symptoms have never felt this life-threatening or serious. At this point it feels like i'm getting lost inside my delusions.

I feel worthless at school and I talk awkwardly, I get p*ssed at my friends fast and I cry on my boyfriend's shoulder and burden him so much with my overly-panicked self when nothing is actually wrong. Ever since the incident, I've felt like there's something wrong with me, but every time I feel like I need to go to the doctor, I start to feel better and convince myself there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm set up for a therapy appointment this Thursday and I hope it goes well. I just can't shake the feeling that i'm developing mental illness far more debilitating than just anxiety and depression.. After all i'm an adolescent.

I feel like i'm in a constant battle with grasping the help I need. I don't even know if this therapy appointment will work out for me... I've been through so many tests and screenings and counselors and people all around me who tried to help me but they couldn't. I'm scared that i'm going to die. I don't want to lose to myself. I feel trapped and like there's no way of telling everyone around me that i'm on my last string of hope without sounding crazy or needy. I don't want to die. I don't want to lose to mental illness ever.

This thread is probably all over the place but if you read this all thank you so much, there's probably much more that I could add but just typing this all out has made my thoughts a little more clear. I'm mostly posting this here because I just want someone to listen, but if you have any advice or similar experiences to share, please go ahead. Thank you. 

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