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Getting paranoid depression.

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Luckyreuben
Luckyreuben

So my mom figured out a few weeks ago that I am fairly depressed, and this is a bad thing because now she has my younger sister every day do 1 or 2 things like hug me and say she loves me or something like that, and my mother will go out of her way to try and make sure she I know she loves me and needs me like telling me how she wouldn't have survived the first four years after my younger sister was born without me. Now this might sound good and on the surface it seems like a good thing to do, but it just makes me more depressed because I can't help but see this as them trying to make me feel loved, and if they need to make me feel loved my twisted brain rationalizes that means I must not feel loved so I'm probably not, and I know that's not true but I keep feeling that like its all an act whenever they do anything nice for me. I didn't think it was to bad though until I got a text from one of my older sisters continuing a conversation we had been having a while ago, and it instantly made me depressed a bit cause I suddenly felt like my mom was just having her talk to to to keep me occupied so I would feel relevant, and ik that's crazy but now whenever anyone who might possibly know I'm depressed does or says something nice it makes me feel bad,like they are being fatortu make me feel better, probably just so they can feel like they did something good that day. Also whenever my mom tells me how important I am to her it makes it worse cause ik she suffers depression and has tried to kill herself multiple times. So that makes it so if I get bad enough that I even think about killing myself I feel selfish because I know it would break her if I died, so I feel bad for even thinking of ending it and it is a vicious cycle I get more depressed and think maybe it's the world being selfish if they won't let me kill myself, then I feel like I'm just being an entitled brat and this is sure to get better later, so I feel worse and worse. And then my chest ends up hurting so bad from all the emotions that I want to die because the pain is so overwhelming, so then I do self harm (sanding my arm will it looses large patches of skin and bleads, or burning myself over open flames, sometimes just ramming my shoulders against street polles till they bruse and blead) and all the while the pain helps dull the emotional pain, but what's real Scarry is that I can do all these things, the emotional pain is so bad that the pain of these things is akin to a paper cut when compared to a nail through the foot. And so I think what's most scary is that I don't remember to lain very well after it subsides, my only frame of how bad it is it that I can do these things and forget I'm even doing them cause the pain they cause is so un noticeable compared to the others. I feel like I should see a counselor, but I have this deep fear that I can't shake that if I tell a counselor the things I feel and know they will 1 day make it back to my family. My family is religious and in a trans girl,but I can't come out to them they wouldn't accept me, and I have lots of friends at school that I trust with my life, and I know the chances of them interacting with my family are almost 0 especially if I don't want them to, but I can't tell any of them I'm trans because there is that slight chance that my family will learn they have my secrets and torture them for information or something. Basically I have learned over the past days that I'm really paranoid and need help but will probably always be to frightened/paranoid to speak it. Thanks for reading, maybe it will help to get this off my chest.

2 likes, 8 replies

8 Replies

  • DawnDedee
    DawnDedee Luckyreuben

    Posted

    Sorry you suffer so.  It sounds like you need to come out and be done with it.  Be free to BE.  No one can live their lives to suit others for very long without crumbling.  We cannot live our lives concerned about what others will think of us.  Easier said than done, yes, I have my own struggles with this, however, it is bound to be a better path than the one you are on. Speaking to a counselor will help and they are supposed to keep your private concersations private unless you demonstrate that you are a danger to yourself or others.  So if you cut out the self damaging acts, then they have no reason to report anything to your family.  

    Just some thoughts to try to help you figure this out.  I hope you find your calm and balance.

    Dawn, USA 

    • Luckyreuben
      Luckyreuben DawnDedee

      Posted

      But I can't come out, I have calculated it and the way I see it and I think there is at least a 70% chance my life will be worse if I come out, and I know a counselor is supposed to keep it secret, but the fact remains if 1 more person knows the my secrets that's 1 more chance that it could come out somehow. I know it's not rational but I can't move past that fear.

    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Luckyreuben

      Posted

      I understand the fear.  I really do.  When I was 18 years old, I married a man that I did not love enough.  I did not want to, and I spent many many nights pacing around in my bedroom, banging my head against the wall, wishing I had the courage to walk to my parents bedroom and announce that I did NOT want to get married.  But I knew what their rath would be and I did not think that I could live with that. They hated me my whole life and I they would hate me even more if I backed out.

      Hundreds of people, even from other countries, were going to attend, and I had received hundreds of gifts already.  My parents spent a lot of money. So I felt that I HAD to get married.

      So, Luckyreuben, I decided that as long as everyone else was happy, I could bear being unhappy.  I just knew that I could handle it.  After all, what is one more unhappiness?

      I was married for three years and each of those years, something major went wrong with my health.  I began to realize that carrying the burden of everyone elses happiness while I suffered, took it's toll on me.  Big time.

      When I announced the plans for divorce, my parents told me that they would disown me and all kinds of other nasty scary threats. But I had to live my life for me no matter what anyone else thought. In the end, they still carried on like normal with me.  They felt anger, social humiliation and God only knows what else.  But life went on.

      Am I correct in assuming that you are living at home underage?  I understand that the timing of coming out is crucial.  If you need to wait, then I urge you to stop hurting yourself because it is only a temporary fix.  The counselor is sworn by law to keep your business private.  At least that is the way it is here in the States.  If you are underage, they still have to keep it private unless, as I said before, you are a danger to yourself or others.

      I urge you to overcome your fear of a counselor.  Can you choose which counselor you want?  Any way you dice it, you need a safe outlet for your pent up emotions and your goal is to accept yourself as you are, in your own eyes, no one elses, and by the time you can come out, you will have gained new inner strength.  And the depression can be managed.

      My best to you!  Hugs

      Dawn 

      This option could very well save your life Luckyreuben.

  • hypercat
    hypercat Luckyreuben

    Posted

    Hi I think your mum is lovely and obviously loves you a great deal to go to such lengths for you.  The trouble with depression is it makes us see the negative rather than the positive and instead of being able to accept this at face value,  you are trying to see a hidden agenda.

    You don't say whether you have sought any treatment or not.   Are you still at school?  If so there must be a counsellor there you could talk to or a favourite teacher or your doctor.  If you are 16 or over then you are considered an adult and anything you say to them is confidential.  If you are under 16 then they would have to consult with your family.   Seek help please.  x

    • Luckyreuben
      Luckyreuben hypercat

      Posted

      Ya I'm 16 and I have thought about taking to the school counselor a few times, she is nice but I don't know that I mentality would be able to. Cause we end up in the same building every school day and I don't know that I could handle knowing she knew every day that I was at school, I did try to talk to her once, I was having an anxiety attack in school (still not sure what causes those) and I decided I needed to talk to her and I swore to myself that I would, but by the end of the school day I wasn't anxious and I couldn't force myself to go talk to her no matter how hard I tried remembering all the times I had been depressed and anxious. Things like this have happened a few times so I don't think I actually can talk to her no mater how hard I try. There is also the problem that everyone at school might find out I'm seeing her and then wonder what's wrong and that would be bad because while I am actively interacting with people who don't know that I'm depressed and who seem interested in our conversation is the only time that I'm sure not to have problems. within minutes of stopping our conversation I sometimes become depressed, but as long as I'm talking to them I'm fine. And I think if I knew that my friends knew I was having problems it would through me into an endless spiral of depression and anxiety while I wonder if they really give a sh*t about me or are just trying to make sure I don't kill myself so as they don't have to feel guilty.
    • DawnDedee
      DawnDedee Luckyreuben

      Posted

      Makes sense that you would not want to utilize the school counselor, however, if you just visit once, she/he/ might be able to lead you to other resourses.  Another idea is to email the school counselor.  Is that possible to do?  Or can you go straight for help outside of school, on your own?
  • linda66990
    linda66990 Luckyreuben

    Posted

    Get a counselor first. Let them help you with your depression and when that is under control they can guide you in letting people know that you are trans.  There are many that will accept and support you. We all deserve to let our light shine.
  • DawnDedee
    DawnDedee Luckyreuben

    Posted

    Lets not forget the power in reading books!  There are scads of self help books and most can be read digitally so there is no book to hide.  I found that reading helped me long before I actually knew there were counselors.  See if you can find something to read that could help you.  One thing is for sure, new information ingested into our brains, gives us something new to think about. Something new to think about, opens up fresh ideas, creates clearer perspective.  

    Take care

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