Posted , 5 users are following.
So my mom figured out a few weeks ago that I am fairly depressed, and this is a bad thing because now she has my younger sister every day do 1 or 2 things like hug me and say she loves me or something like that, and my mother will go out of her way to try and make sure she I know she loves me and needs me like telling me how she wouldn't have survived the first four years after my younger sister was born without me. Now this might sound good and on the surface it seems like a good thing to do, but it just makes me more depressed because I can't help but see this as them trying to make me feel loved, and if they need to make me feel loved my twisted brain rationalizes that means I must not feel loved so I'm probably not, and I know that's not true but I keep feeling that like its all an act whenever they do anything nice for me. I didn't think it was to bad though until I got a text from one of my older sisters continuing a conversation we had been having a while ago, and it instantly made me depressed a bit cause I suddenly felt like my mom was just having her talk to to to keep me occupied so I would feel relevant, and ik that's crazy but now whenever anyone who might possibly know I'm depressed does or says something nice it makes me feel bad,like they are being fatortu make me feel better, probably just so they can feel like they did something good that day. Also whenever my mom tells me how important I am to her it makes it worse cause ik she suffers depression and has tried to kill herself multiple times. So that makes it so if I get bad enough that I even think about killing myself I feel selfish because I know it would break her if I died, so I feel bad for even thinking of ending it and it is a vicious cycle I get more depressed and think maybe it's the world being selfish if they won't let me kill myself, then I feel like I'm just being an entitled brat and this is sure to get better later, so I feel worse and worse. And then my chest ends up hurting so bad from all the emotions that I want to die because the pain is so overwhelming, so then I do self harm (sanding my arm will it looses large patches of skin and bleads, or burning myself over open flames, sometimes just ramming my shoulders against street polles till they bruse and blead) and all the while the pain helps dull the emotional pain, but what's real Scarry is that I can do all these things, the emotional pain is so bad that the pain of these things is akin to a paper cut when compared to a nail through the foot. And so I think what's most scary is that I don't remember to lain very well after it subsides, my only frame of how bad it is it that I can do these things and forget I'm even doing them cause the pain they cause is so un noticeable compared to the others. I feel like I should see a counselor, but I have this deep fear that I can't shake that if I tell a counselor the things I feel and know they will 1 day make it back to my family. My family is religious and in a trans girl,but I can't come out to them they wouldn't accept me, and I have lots of friends at school that I trust with my life, and I know the chances of them interacting with my family are almost 0 especially if I don't want them to, but I can't tell any of them I'm trans because there is that slight chance that my family will learn they have my secrets and torture them for information or something. Basically I have learned over the past days that I'm really paranoid and need help but will probably always be to frightened/paranoid to speak it. Thanks for reading, maybe it will help to get this off my chest.
2 likes, 8 replies