Girlfriend is denying she's depressed
Posted , 3 users are following.
I'm in desperate need of help regarding my relationship. My partner of 10 years is refusing to believe she is depressed.
I'll try to keep this short as possible. She's been through a lot, as have I, in the 10 years. Cancer, deaths, prison, homelessness etc. She grew up in care, had drug issues in her past but she's overcome those. Been through the wars. Why do I say she is depressed? Because she shows the exact same signs that I showed.
- Low moods
- Mood swings
- Anger
She is angry a lot and will constantly tell me "stop having a go at me". This makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I can't say anything to her in fear of her biting my head off. Her reactions to normal situations are not normal.
She always thinks people are attacking her and is very defensive. She accidentally gave our son peperroni that had been left open in the fridge for a week. It went out of date on the 13th. I mentioned it and she says "it's fine". My son starts acting up with his food because he found out it's out of date and she got stressed with me and stormed out the house in anger.
I never know what mood she is in. She's very up and down.
Sometimes she gets very excited. Over excited. And when I mention this to her she says she's just having fun and because I've mentioned it I've put a downer on it and she will go moody. But the thing is, I had these episodes too. Also, her mother has bipolar and her mother has also had these same episodes and her mother agreed it would be a wise idea to try some medication.
She decided to try the meds. But, when she was speaking to people she wasn't saying "I think it's a good idea". She was saying "Joe thinks I need them" (Joe is me). She even told the doctor that it's me who thinks she needs them. In the past she's tried medications but she's never took them long enough to see if they work.
I found out the other day she hasn't been taking her meds. She had her 50mg of sertraline for about a week but because of the side effects she quit. She tells me she doesn't need them and she isn't depressed. So now I'm dealing with denial here.
I can now totally understand what it felt like for her living with me when I was depressed. 2 depressed people is a warzone and at one point it really was a war zone daily. Since I've been on my 150mg for 5 months I've changed a lot. I can rarely even be bothered to discuss any issues in the relationship because while she's depressed it's difficult. It becomes a blame game where it becomes my fault for the argument. It always ends in an argument. So I just stopped raising issues.
I found out yesterday she hasn't been taking her meds and that explains a lot. I've discussed with her about this yesterday, and today, and her response is "I haven't took them for weeks and I've been fine". But she hasn't been fine, I've just not been bothered to raise any issues because like I said it feels like I'm walking on eggshells.
I admit I had my issues. I'm better now. I quit drinking 6 months ago, got on my meds, and things are now improving for me. But I want to help my partner because I know she isn't mentally well. One thing I never did was deny that I was depressed. I knew I was depressed all the time, but I didn't know how to get help and there was nobody there for me. I'm here for her but she isn't willing to admit that how she reacts to situations isn't correct and that she regularly has mood swings.
Don't know what to do but it feels like a daily battle at the moment with everything. Any disagreement will spark a problem in this household. I try my hardest not to ignite the fire.
Any help?
0 likes, 3 replies
james63103
Posted
In the past when an argument happened she would blame it on no alcohol, or my depression. Stopped drinking, and had my meds. But she's running out of things to blame the arguments on so now it's resorted to "You're having a go at me". If I get frustrated because she's completely ignoring what I'm saying she will say it's my fault and I'm getting frustrated and I'm causing the problem. But infact I'm getting frustrated because my problem (whatever it is at the time) isn't being acknowledged.
Yesterday our son was doing his exam practice. The teacher expects the working out to be shown. I've explained to him many times why he has to show his working out and how he will lose grades if he doesn't. He failed to show his working out. So I discussed with him and he started getting frustrated that he had to go back and redo it and show the working out. He gave me attitude and was repeatidly telling me "I don't need to show the working out". So I had to raise my voice so he knows he's going too far.
Immediately he starts crying so mom can hear him. And like magic mom calls him downstairs where he changes his attitude problem into crocodile tears. Mom places herself in the middle of the situation as a defuser, but I've told her many times that doing that is causing our son to play us off against each other and instead of me being a parent it turns into me and my son were arguing. That absolutely wasn't the case. I raised my voice, he cried for attention, and he got it.
So then this caused a problem for me. I've asked her many times in the past to leave me to deal with any situation. Kids treat parents differently, that's normal. They learn boundries. But here he learns nothing except that whenever I tell him off Mom gets involved.
I asked her yesterday to stop doing this. She said "I'm a parent too. I'm his mom too". Or she will say "There's no point in me being a parent I'll keep my mouth shut". If I raise any issues she will reply with "whatever, I'm not discussing it". So then I get frustrated that she's just cutting it off and taking non of what I said seriously. And then this turns into "You're the one getting frustrated".
My head is a mess.
Kate32457 james63103
Posted
Hi James,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. The problem with the situation and all those suffering from mental illness is that the only person that can help them is them. You can't force anyone to take medication or go to counselling as much as we wish we could and know it would help them. It may be that one day she will realise that she needs help or it may never happen. All you can do at the moment is support her as best as you can and try to remember her actions are the result of the illness.
It seems to me that your issues go further than just putting it down to depression, it seems you have disagreements on parenting skills etc. which nobody on here can really provide guidance on.
What are your thoughts on relationship counselling? It sounds like things are difficult between you both at the moment and talking it through with an expert who is impartial would definitely be beneficial.
I'm guessing your answer to this will be that she will refuse to go and if that's the case you may need to decide if you can continue like this and if not perhaps an ultimatum is needed.
Hope this is of some help. Good luck x
Jmyers james63103
Posted
speak to your GP about your concerns. My partner experienced some of what you are going through with myself and i am now on medication and under supervision .
They can review her establish whether she is depressed or experiencing something more like myself. I have been manic for too long to even have noticed.
I felt awful on sertraline 50mg for the first two weeks ans if anything they made me feel depressed when I wasn't depressed before