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The day started like they all do... actually there really isnt an end to the day because i toss and turn all night, weird vivid dreams, digestive issues and so on. You open up your eyes to get slapped in the face with that INSTANT anxiety feeling that literally feels like your being kicked in the gut that leaves me fidgety and unable to focus. The day didnt go well with how i feel, arguing with my husband while we were on the way to the cemetary so i could put flowers by my parents which i basically threw in the cup holder blew them both a kiss and left.
Laid on the bed with the 100 symptoms I feel everyday physically despite the Drs saying im fine. Im watching tv just watching people LIVE. I dont remember what that is like. I found myself praying for God to take me please God take me now. My beautiful teenage daughter who is about to graduate is such a strong girl she has a tic disorder that she deals with very well, that I blame myself for giving it to her. She walked into my room and sat on the bed and i asked her how things went, she went to get coffee wth her best friend since grade school who is a boy and they are having some troubles. She started to cry. She laid down next to me and I wrapped her in my arms and ran my fingers through her hair and wiped away her tears and told her i loved her. It was like she was 2 again. I squeezed her and was sobbing on the inside because I didnt want to have a break down in front of her thinking about all the ways ive failed her and my other daughter and how much of their lives ive missed that I will never get back because i was checked out mentally and feeling like s**t physically. I then prayed God please let me feel better please take this all away so I can be the mother my daughters deserve.
Thats all I just really needed someplace to go and ramble ❤
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